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What exactly is romantic attraction/chemistry?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by CPUNerdGirl, Sep 17, 2015.

  1. CPUNerdGirl

    Regular Member

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    Yes, I identify as more or less homoromantic, but I'm always concerned about people thinking I'm silly for my labels, and I would like others to weigh in on my question.

    So I have a hypothesis about what people mean when they talk about romantic chemistry, based on the one girl I've dated. Is it this warm feeling in your lower abdomen, where you have this overwhelming desire to be really close to the person, and kiss them, hug them, etc.? Because that's what I felt with this girl on the second date, and then the dates after that.

    I've done things with multiple guys, but I felt like there was something missing, and decided I didn't want to date guys. But I did have a relationship kind of thing with a guy several months ago, but I generally only saw him as a close friend I had sex with (as seems to always be the case). As for the warm feelings I've described, I felt that only one time, about two months into the relationship, and then never again. It was when I was having a significant health-related issue, and I felt really weak and vulnerable. That relationship was difficult because every few days or so, I felt like being very cold and distant, but then I didn't want to hurt him, so I'd suppress it, until I couldn't handle it anymore (usually took about a week or two each time). That happened multiple times, and he always got emotionally hurt from it. I can't recall ever feeling that warm feeling again with him or anyone else.

    So, is that what people mean? And given that, am I indeed more or less homoromantic? Thanks, everyone.
     
  2. Alder

    Full Member

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    I find it really difficult personally to pinpoint exactly what that romantic connection is, because I have definitely felt it with some people, but have found it impossible to find with others, and I suppose that's to do with my orientation in general- despite me still figuring that out. Just like straight girls can be really close friends with another girl but cannot develop that intrinsic, strong romantic attraction. It's not really something I think we can control- and I find it more difficult to pinpoint than sexual attraction.

    I suppose romantic attraction is just a very deep connection in your gut and heart; you feel that magnetic pull towards them, you care about them and want to be with them in a long term partnership, and make sure they're well and happy, there's that very affectionate feeling but it also goes further than simply the type of affection you feel for a friend. I know that when I liked this girl I knew I was in love with her because of the way I cared for her and would do anything for her; even though I cared about one of my guy friends at the time and enjoyed hanging out with him and being with him, there was this lack of a romantic spark there, and I didn't love him in the same way I loved her.

    It is a very warm feeling and I know this isn't really substantially helpful but- you will know when you feel it. There is that desire to be close to them, to kiss and to care for and to be with romantically- and that's not the same as just hanging out with someone you enjoy being friends with. However romantic attraction does feel differently to everyone, so it may just have to be something you have to think about introspectively.

    You can have sex with someone without feeling romantic attraction to them. Oh and also- you can have sex with someone without feeling sexual attraction to them too. I think you might have felt romantic attraction to that girl, but if you only saw the guy as a friend you had sex with then perhaps that is all it was. I can't say for you based on what you wrote if you really are only romantically attracted to girls and no other gender, but I hope what I wrote above helps in some way.
     
    #2 Alder, Sep 17, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2015