So as I've started realizing I have feelings for women, I keep seeking out others stories to try and see where/how I missed this. I'm 29 and can't for the life of me ever remember having crushes on girls at any point in my life, I never had that best friend that I wished I could be with. Growing up I ALWAYS had crushes on guys, however, they were always more emotional crushes and not sexual fantasies. I don't think I ever really thought of sex until my first boyfriend in high school and a lot of what he wanted me to do made me feel like I was doing something wrong, but I did because I was lonely and didn't want to lose him. Thinking back on it, I never actually had a crush on him, he was the one who was interested in me and he was an attractive, funny and pretty popular guy, while I was the shy, quiet girl who never had any luck attracting guys up until that point at about 16/17. That was my longest relationship we stayed together for about 3.5 years and were even engaged, although I think we were so young it was never a "real" engagement, more like a promise. After that it took me awhile to get back into dating and most of the relationships I had after that point lasted only a few months, the longest lasted 9 months. In looking back, I can see a few things that would lead me to believe my feelings for women haven't just sprung up out of the blue, one being a time when my first bf accused me of checking out another girl while we were driving somewhere. I remember at the time telling him I was just looking to see if I knew her, but I also wonder if maybe somewhere I was checking her out or wishing I was with her. I also know that I was never really comfortable with having sex with guys, there were a few times between relationships when I would try to seek out a guy who wanted to wait until marriage, hoping that would allow me to enjoy the relationship more if sex wasn't a part of it. I was never very religious so I don't think that had anything to do with it, I was always terrified of getting pregnant, but I still question if more of that trying to avoid having it was because I wasn't sexually attracted to most guys, that's not to say there weren't times when i did enjoy it, but for the most part it was something I wanted to avoid and never really felt like I thought about it or fantasized about it much. I also have realized that of all the guys I crushed on or were in a relationship with, a majority of them either later turned out to be gay or were more feminine in nature. Also, especially more recently, but I seem to remember usually paying more attention to the female when I saw a couple in public or focusing on the female in movies/tv shows. I know earlier this year I caught myself telling someone that a movie starred the female (i think it was Anna Kendrick or Emma Stone) and then one of those well known guys...and literally described it as this, showing I clearly was paying more attention to the female lead than the male. Also, I can remember my first bf's mom sending me this silly email with "attractive" firefighters wearing little clothing and thinking "why would I care about this?" It's also the same nowadays when friends most pictures of guys that are known for being attractive and I just don't get any excitement from it, but yet when I watched Into the Woods...all I could do is stare at Anna Kendrick's cleavage hahaha...but this was after i started realizing I was attracted to women. So anyways, long story short...what were any signs that made you realize you were gay or bi? I start thinking that maybe this is a phase or maybe I'm bi, but when I look back at what I wrote I really don't think that's the case.
I had girlfriends from 1st grade all through the age of 20. they were all small crushes. Some lasted a week, some a few months, one 16 months, and the last one for 2 years. I was never happy with any of them and didn't want to have sex until I was almost 18. It scared me and I didn't want to get anyone pregnant and have a baby with someone I knew I wouldn't like. I looked at guys from a pretty young age but didn't notice it until I was 13-14. My life got turned around pretty hard. I had a dad and siblings for the first time and now I had to be tough and like girls and do they whole stereotypical guy thing. I suppressed all of my feelings and basically completely forgot about them, other than the fact that I still always felt like an outsider. It wasn't until the last year that I realized I'm not happy in a relationship with women. I'd rather be with a man. I'm dealing with gender issues now, but that's beside the point. You don't always see it before. It hasn't been until recently, looking back on things, that I think and feel like I should've seen a bunch of signs. Check out the kinsey scale. It's not an official test or anything, but more of an idea. You may not feel totally gay or bi or straight. That's where that idea comes in.
