(My god, I was trying to make that concise I really was :lol:, if you guys think it's too long to read I will add a summary, but for now, anyone who dares to read it can do so in this long format) I'm a tomboy and idiots at my old school used to call me lesbian just to make fun of me, but I never considered not being straight until recently, when I've been starting to think that I might be bi. For the past year I've been thinking my same sex feelings were a bit too sudden and just me being slightly curious for the fun of it. But more recently I realised 2 things that made me sign up here: 1) These feelings have actually been creeping up on me for 3 years and are not just confined to this one year 2) My interest in lesbian stuff (erotic fiction, porn, celeb crushes, my lesbian classmate) has become a bit obsessive. Let me clarify about how I'm realising that this has been creeping up on me for 3 years. Year 1: Became friends with a girl who everyone thought was a lesbian even though she did have a boyfriend. I pretended I didn't agree when people told me that she was really gay and were jokingly warning me, just cos I thought she didn't need other people deciding for her even if the rumours about her and the other football (soccer) club girls were true. But secretly I began wondeing whenever we spoke what she thought about me, and tried really hard to make her like me more cos tbh she was a bit of an ass to me now I look back at it. Year 2: This year I started learning Japanese and 2 things came out of my love of Japanese pop culture: 1) I had read yaoi manga (gay male comic porn) a lot before but this year I read a yuri (lesbian comic porn) story for the first time and it gave me butterflies in the romantic parts and arousal in the sexual parts. I read it multiple times but never really thought much of it. 2) During my exam season I found a lesbian themed Japanese music video and I could not concentrate on studying for the rest of the day I was just thinking about it and feeling aroused. Me and that footballer friend talked on the bus every day and I used to get really pissed off when she wasn't on the bus. She seemed to always be trying to live up to her gay reputation and used to regularly do weird things like caress my face and say that she loved me as a joke but I sort of loved that. I also used to see hugging her as a bit of an accomplishment. Went out of my way to get her an xmas present even though I knew she was an ass and wouldn't have one for me and was rather overjoyed when she seemed very appreciative and bought me an extremely late gift in return. Basically I was just way too invested in that freindship. She was not nearly as bothered and we lost contact after moving on to new schools after this year. Developed my first properly acknowledged celebrity girl crush in a Japanese guitarist. Year 3 (this past year): Started a girls school (they always say same sex schools make you gay, lol). One of the first people I became freinds with came out as a lesbian a few months later and had an evil girlfriend for a while. We sort of moved off into different friendship groups as the year went on but I am always observing her out of the corner of my eye. Started getting addicted to lesbian erotica on wattpad. Read it on my phone at all oppurtunitites. Girl crushes grew in number. Watched the first 7 eps of the L word but the bad acting and awful lines just killed me. Finally, recently I started watching lesbian porn (I had only watched gay male porn before (I was scared of the demeaning way women are sometimes portrayed in straight porn)), and having lesbian fantasies and even dreams. The main reasons why I am unsure are: 1) Gay and bisexual people often talk about knowing from really young or at least being able to pinpoint some obvious signs from back then in retrospective. The best I can come up with are: I have always been a tomboy, and when I was really young I only hung out with boys and tried to pretend to be a boy (but at the same time, I had a crush on one of those boys sooooo); I remember calling Britney Spears and Daphne from Scooby Doo sexy (but i don't think I even knew what that meant); and every celebrity I've ever liked has been female, I don't have much opinion on male celebrities except that if they're acting in a movie and they show how ripped the are I'll be like "daym". Other than that, I didn't have female crushes. 2) Still find it easier to get off to gay male porn than lesbian porn, even though I've only been watching the latter recently. 3) I'm not religious and I live in England (as opposed to the conservative American South or something) so I don't really have too much fear of being bi other than that my mum will think I'm a real weirdo (which is nothing compared to being disowned for example), so I think I may just be finding the idea intriguing. The needle that broke the haystack of me finally posting was me hearing Demi Lovato's song Cool for the Summer (it's basically about experimenting and such). I am not a fan of her, she never entered my radar, I listen to Japanese rock, but that song made me a weird mix of overjoyed and really emotional to the point of wanting to cry just cos it came at this crazy time. (I'm a big music person so i can get way too emotionally involved in songs, sorry). It has been ringing in my head ever since, so I thought I better let out all this stuff that it's stirring up.
It was basically the same for me too with Cool For The Summer. When I was questioning my sexuality, that was my anthem song lol. It still kind of is. Anyways, regarding your concern with not really thinking about the same sex before: it isn't like that for everyone. Some people may not think about it until they are about your age. And have you had any interest in guys before other than in porn? If you haven't, there's a possibility that you're a lesbian. Anyways, I hope you figure it out soon, I know its really confusing and stressful. But it may take time.
Well, as for your first concern, I didn't realize I was pan until last year, and I'm 18 now. Heck, I didn't even realize I was a girl until last year either! As for number 2, I wouldn't look too much into that. My interest in erotic materials often fluctuates depending on who I'm crushing at at the time. If I'm crushing on a guy, I'll likely look up some yaoi overy yuri. I bet when / if you start crushing on a girl yuri will start looking even more intriguing As for three... That seems like less inhibiting and more enabling, yeah? Take it from someone who does live in a mostly rural state, while it could be worse it could also be a whole lot better. Anyways, hope I helped a bit. If you ever want to talk feel free to hit up my wall. (P.S. You're learning Japanese? That's so cool! I am as well. I'm still learning the Hirogana though, so I'm not very far along )
Thank god somebody replied I was thinking that was way too long! Hey, it's you, heyKittie, from my introduction thread! Thanks for all your advice. In answer to your question, yeah I've had litte crushes on guys but they never really got to be expressed like the one I described in my post. You see I came into my secondary school (british school for ages 11-16) with some primary school friends and was very shy and only made friends with people they were friends with. Basically they decided I wasn't good enough for them (I think because of my tomboyishness I never really saw the value in all the things that made you a cool girl at that age e.g. makeup, fashion(I see more value in those things now though)) randomly one day and turned everyone I knew against me and I didn't have any friends for the first two years of secondary school, so all the guys in the school just came to see me as a freak and I never really dared go near them for the next 3 years as I was bouncing back from that. Most of them thought of me as a joke or at least were friends with those who did. The only guy friends I had were a gay boy and 3 geeky guys in my science class and I never found them attractive. Tbh I had very few girl friends too. Sooo, I have literally no experience.
I can relate to that story a bit. I'm basically without any friends at my US high school. I really rely on the internet and my one friend from a different HS for all my social interactions. As such I also have literally no experience! I've always felt feelings towards girls though, and have for boys for around three years now. Though I've only gone anywhere with a boy, I still know I like girls. I feel like I'm rambling. Hope this helped (even a little) though.
Thanks AsheTheHuman, hearing that you realised later and that you've been in similar situations to me is really helpful. And yes 3 is not inhibiting I just mean that if I can't even accept it in such a good situtation, there's a chance that I'm just happily curious because I have no reason to think that anything's wrong with that because I have no huge fear of being gay like you might if you were from a religious place in South USA. I just wanted to add that because I doubt a straight person in a more conservative area would experiment very far because they have a bit of that fear. If I was doing the same things and I was from that sort of place I think it would be more obvious that I was very much not straight because that part of my personality would have to be strong enough to overcome my fears. Do you get what I mean? It's a bit of a weird rhetorical point but it was something I was thinking of so I added it anyway.
I think I do. And that does make sense. I think the best thing to do right now is just live your life, and if / when you get a girl crush who is a lesbian / bi / whatever, to talk to her and be upfront that you're still experimenting. I'd also just stick around here and continue to explore your feelings in a safe, controlled environment.
You're doing fine I think. I just started coming out (late thirties here :eusa_doh: ) and looking back I can't recall feeling attraction for guys until I was 15 or so. I had the same thought as you that shouldn't I have noticed something sooner but I didn't. It seems to be a mix. I think you're smart to seek information, just keep an open mind. It doesn't sound like it but it's still possible that you are straight.
No it doesn't sound like it at all, Zen, lol. Nice to hear another story about only realising late, that was my main problem. And hi bi2me. I guess I have some reason not to want to talk to my mum if I decided I was bi. My mum isn't very religious, like, she's not aetheist and my aunts and uncles are religious except the one she is closest to, but she doesn't go to Church except at Christams and sometimes Easter. Plus she never christened me because she thought shed let me decide on that. So I never see her as a conservative religious sort of person, but she does have a background of some religion. So although she doesn't literally scare me when talking about the subject, and she's had gay friends and she knows I have gay friends, she'll occasionally do little stuff like: make fun of gay people a bit; when there's a gay kiss on TV be like "ew why are they showing this the gays are taking over television" (and generally she thinks gay people have too much exposure); half the time when I'm about to leave the house, look me up and down and say "Is this your new dyke look?" She thinks she's so funny when she says these things but she's really not. Mainly I think she would laugh at me if I said I was bi, and probably doesn't think it's a real thing.
I hear you! My parents were a bit the same when I was younger and "bi curious" as my friend and I labeled ourselves. At this point, I'm not really worried about coming out to them unless there is a reason they need to know (like I have a girlfriend). I'm happily married and not interested in leaving, so at this time, I just don't see the point. Good luck to you!
