Is this an anxiety disorder (OCD) or am I gay in denial?

For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to women. I am a 21 year old male and for all my life i never thought about my sexual orientation. From a young age I remember being extremely aroused by naked women. I remember having a crush on my middle school teacher to the point where I felt like i was "in love" with her. I use to go home and masturbate to straight porn and thoughts of her when i was 13.

I then went to an all guys high school starting at age 14. Not once during high school did i feel any attraction towards any guys in school. I never even thought about it. I was on the high school baseball team and had to shower naked with other dudes and not once was i remotely turned on. I kind of felt uncomfortable being around other penises but we had to shower so i did what i had to do.

During high school from age 14-18 I must have made out with over 50 girls. I was a confident young man. I was told i was very good looking. I had no problem getting with girls. During this time I continued to masturbate to straight porn literally everyday. Some days multiple times a day. I loved life. I was happy. Any thought about sexual orientation never crossed my mind.

I started smoking weed heavily around 17-18. Pretty much a blunt to several blunts a day. That was all me and my friends started to do. By the time i was 18 i had already had sex with 12 girls. On some occasions I struggled with erections but it was due to being nervous and inexperienced at sex. Never did I think that I couldnt get a hard on because I was gay. Still at this time I never had any gay thoughts. I never thought about the male body and was confident in myself.

When I turned 19 is when I started to experience what i think are "intrusive thoughts". I was wanking away at my usual daily porn. I was under a lot of stress at the time. High school was over, college was starting, and for the last 4 previous months i was on a dry spell. I wasnt getting with girls like i use too. I started to become lazy in life. I was trying to fit in with the cool crowd and smoke weed like all my friends. I guess i was starting to subconciously become depressed. A girl that i really liked didnt like me back and i was devastated. So I was masturbating to porn that day and was starting to notice weaker and weaker erections. My sex drive was plummeting in real life and so were my erections to porn. Thats when the thought of "what if im gay? came into my head. Ever since that first thought my life has completely changed

Since that day:
1) I analyze the way I look to see if I "look" gay (ie have feminine tendencies or physical characteristics)- which i do have small hands for a man, a "pretty boy" type of face
2) I analyze the depth of my voice, to see if it doesnt sound masculine enough
3) I am in constant paranoia that people think I am gay
4) I have constant gay thoughts every day from the minute I wake up until i go to sleep. They are usually of another mans penis penetrating me- I do not find these thoughts arousing. They give me a constant anxiety feeling in my stomach, cause what i guess is a tingling sensation or a groinal response
5) I get anxious around men I perceive as "manly men" or masculine men. I guess this derives from my porn usage from constantly seeing years and years of muscular men pounding women out. I guess my brain has somehow linked arousal with men even though im not aroused?

I have heard that years of internet porn use can desensitize you to your normal sexual orientation? I am wondering if that has happened to me. Although i never escalated into watching gay porn, I guess my brain had become desensitized to what would normally turned it on and needed something weirder or taboo for me to feel anything. Its almost as if anxiety and attraction feel the same now.

Major point: I am extremely insecure in my masculinity. I use to never think about being masculine when i was growing up. I was just a guy who loved having sex with girls, masturbating to girls, making out with girls, developing feelings to girls. Now all of a sudden as I grow older I have started feeling very insecure in my masculinity. I am only 5 foot 9 and 155 pounds. I am skinny and I have what people would describe as a "pretty boy" face meaning a strong jaw line and cheeks bones, perfect eyebrows (even though I dont even get my eyebrows done somehow they are perfect), etc. I am just a really good looking guy (not trying to gas myself up but this is what people and girls have told me). I dont know why I am now insecure in my masculinity. Being skinny didnt bother me at all when i was growing up in my teens. It didnt affect my confidence towards girls. Now i feel as if i dont measure up to other guys.

Lastly, I just got out of a 2 year relationship with my first love. I started dating her at 19 despite the problem with these thoughts i was having. She was 17 and i was 19 and we spent almost every day together. We would have sex almost 5 times a week for the first 6-7 months. We couldnt keep our hands off eachother. The problem with our sex life however was that i would have to watch porn or look at pictures of naked women before picking her up to have sex so I could get aroused and in the mood. I would struggle with erections i would say 65 percent of the time. I would have to imagine my favorite porn actresses in my head to stay aroused. I would often cum quickly within 5-10 minutes. I use to love giving her oral sex. That was my favorite thing to do. I use to love doing 69 position with her and i use to love using oil to rub her body in.

We just broke up 5 months ago because i finally admitted to her that i had a porn addiction that i was now going to stop. She knew all along i had a problem with porn but always dismissed it. When we broke up we still would have sex for the first few months. I noticed that if i didnt jerk off for a week or so and didnt look at porn and then see her I would be ROCK HARD. So i am guessing that the erection problems were due to having too much sex and watching too much porn. I dont know

Where I am at today: Heartbroken and devastated that my ex girlfriend has moved on so fast. She is already dating another guy, a guy quite the opposite of me who is more muscular and has more money and is more popular. I feel quite inadequate compared to him. My self esteem is shot. I have no confidence in myself. I constantly have these gay thoughts day in and day out. Its like my mind is trying to convince me i am gay. I get anxious around other men. I have ZERO desire to want to pursue a man. Thats what I dont understand. If i was gay, wouldnt I WANT to pursue men? I just dont. I dont get aroused by thinking or looking at pictures of a topless guy or at a penis. I still struggle with my porn addiction today and it is because of the gay thoughts. I masturbate to straight porn to reassure myself that i am straight. I cant help it. I have physical cravings for porn, to watch porn. I rather sit at home now and watch porn then go out and pursue girls. I just dont understand what has happened to my life. I went from a confident guy who loved girls, loved women, loved sex, to a guy who is constantly questioning his sexuality, who is anxious around other men. I just hate life now.

Please if anybody can help me with any advice on what to do i would appreciate it

 

Thank you all for your responses. I guess i wrote this as a compulsion because I have been diagnosed with OCD by an OCD specialist. This was 2 years ago. I went to therapy but never kept up with the homework I was assigned. Eventually I couldn't afford treatment anymore and stopped going. So essentially I never got the help I was looking for. I regret not taking full advantage of treatment. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am still watching porn to reassure myself I'm attracted to women. It use to be so easy to be aroused by just the thought of a woman without the use of porn. I guess i have just watched way too much porn which has caused me to become dependent on it to be aroused. When I stay away from porn for a long period of time I notice my natural attractions and ability to be aroused by women comes back. I guess i just need to get rid of porn foreveer. It is not helping me one bit.

I want to apologize for using this forum as a means of reassurance from LGBT people that I am not experiencing denial. I hope that anybody can take my experience into consideration and quit using Internet pornography. It is a growing problem in this generation that is changing the brains of young kids everywhere to the point where it causes sexual dysfunction and warps sexual tastes over time. I wish all of you the best in your lives and will forever support LGBT rights as I always have. I just wish there was some way I can treat my OCD. I just cannot afford treatment