For various reasons, I've never been able to form romantic relationships with either girls or boys. (Mostly due to where I am situated, rather than any underlying issue; I'm also 17 so I don't think I should be in a rush or anything haha.) Up until the age of 15/16 I was pretty sure that I was straight. I fantasized about boys, (almost always fictional, strangely enough. I had maybe one or two real life crushes, but nothing serious or super butterfly inducing.) and I always thought that I'd find a husband. Then, I started to wonder what it would be like to be with a girl, kiss a girl, etc. I was convinced I was bisexual, leaning more towards men. As time passed, I felt as if I was /literally/ getting gayer, right up to the point where I'm almost certain I'm a lesbian. Now my fantasies include marrying a nice girl, settling down, having a peaceful life with her. Just doing platonic as well as romantic things with a girl makes me feel fuzzy inside. Recently, however, I've been thinking about boys. It's almost always sexual rather than romantic, and the thought of settling down with them is still pretty unappealing. At best, the thought of being in a stable relation with certain guys will make me think: "Meh, it's okay I guess." I feel as if I still have some remnant of (shallow) attraction to men, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Am I gay? Am I bi? Does this mean that I just (as my father says) don't know what I really want? Have you guys ever experienced something like this? How did you come to terms with it? Thanks for reading my giant text wall haha.
It could be that you are gay and it is indeed remnants of shallow attraction you are feeling. Otherwise, it could be that you are bisexual with a fluid preference. I've experienced/am experiencing similar. Society told me I was a straight boy, so I was only supposed to like girls. Even when I first came out to myself as trans (or well, technically for the second time), I wasn't sure of my sexual stuff and all. I identified as exclusively gynephilic. Then I opened up to the possibility of being bi. Now I'm pretty sure I prefer guys. It happens. It takes time getting used to. Just remember that you're lovely and amazing just the way you are, however that might be. (*hug*)
Only time will tell haha. But what from I'm seeing/feeling I think I might still prefer girls over boys, if I like the latter at all. I can't help but think that compulsory heterosexuality had/has a lot to do with my confusion. It's so socially ingrained that girls must always match up with boys. Sometimes gets hard to tell whether society has convinced you that you straight or whether you're /actually/ straight. That being said; I also have feelings of nervousness around men? I also feel nervous around women, but there is marked difference between those feelings. I get tense and bristly around men, but women make me feel jittery and smiley. It sounds clean-cut when I describe it this way, but sometimes the repulsion briefly becomes attraction. Either way, I feel pretty gross afterwards. This doesn't cover the entire scope of people I meet, but in my day to day encounters with strangers this typically sums up the way I feel. Thanks for the kind words. ;u;
