Confusing Feelings Regarding my Sexuality

So, I've been thinking about this a lot. I mostly want to put this on here so I can have a place where I can write it all out, but advice is definitely accepted!

I thought it was supposed to be easy. Like, straight people just know. There's no questioning. And gay people who I've seen are just like, "yeah, I always knew". But I'm definitely not sure.

I've always been a pretty girly girl. And I've always just assumed I was straight, y'know? I do remember this one time in pre-school when me and this guy were arguing about which one of us was going to marry our best (female) friend, but other than that, there hasn't been really any signs.

When I was in fourth grade or so, I had a "crush" on a guy, but I feel like that was just because I felt like that's what I had to do right? Everyone had crushes on guys. And then in sixth grade I liked this guy for maybe two years. I was really good friends with him and I was sort of flirty with him, but then he asked me out.

It got extremely awkward really fast. I mean, it was eighth grade (actually just last year for me), so it was bound to be an awkward middle school relationship, but I swear we barely talk to each other for the entire two months that we were "dating". I broke up with him after that, and we're still friends, but definitely not as good as before.

That's basically my history with relationships. In terms of sexual attraction, I feel like I'm not really attracted to guys. I'm definitely attracted to girls. But I notice guys more. If I see a guy, I'm more concerned with what he thinks of me, and how I act, and it's sort of awkward sometimes. And I sometimes unconsciously tease or flirt with guys. With girls, my eyes aren't drawn to them, but I definitely think they're attractive, and with guys I never think that.

There are some people who are more like role models to me. I talk about these people a lot, so my mom usually thinks I have a crush on them, and it sort of feels that way. They're pretty much always older, and of varying genders. Sometimes they're my friends, sometimes I don't know them as well. I'm more comfortable around them, and I'm always really happy when I see them, and I really want them to like me and be impressed by me. But a romantic relationship with them? No way.

I don't really know if that plays into my sexuality at all, but there you go anyway.

So thinking about who I actually want to be with in the future, I don't really know. I feel like any romantic relationship with a guy would never be natural or comfortable. Maybe, though, if I found the right person. A girl would feel much more natural, but still, I don't know of anyone I would like to date. There was this one girl, I've known her practically all my life, who I thought, "it would actually be nice to date her. I would really like that", and I got really nervous and excited whenever she held my hand or hugged or cuddled with me (in a non-romantic way; there's a group of four of us and we're all really close), but she has a boyfriend, so...that's not going to happen. Otherwise, the only lesbians at my school who I know of are all the kind of...under-achiever kids who don't care about anything. I wouldn't want to date one of them. I'm extremely over-achieving and I care about everything.

So, I've come out pretty much indirectly to a fair amount of people. My mom sort of guessed, and asked me about it, and I talked to her a little. She's totally accepting and everything, and she wants to keep talking to me about it, but it's weird. She keeps asking me if I've "figured anything out", and I'm sitting there like, "How am I supposed to do that???? I already think about it all the time! I don't want to think about it anymore". I don't really know how to come out because I don't really have a label. It's not really that big of a deal to me that people know I (might be) gay, so I told her she could tell family and stuff, and I've pretty sure she's told our entire family that I'm "thinking about it".

Most people in my life are okay with everything. I have two extremely Catholic friends who aren't going to be okay with it, but I guess that's not a big loss. In terms of my other friends, I came out to that group (four girls including me) I mentioned earlier. They were all good, but I did say I was gay, and then I still felt like I was lying, so I emailed them and actually said I was still thinking about it, but they didn't seem to want to talk about it, they all just said, "Oh, we're so proud of you, you're so brave, we love you no matter what, we'll stand with you for everything", which is great, of course. I just want to talk to someone about my actual feelings without it being awkward.

I came out to another friend in sign language (we had just been self-teaching ourselves to talk during Spanish, nothing professional), because we were in a crowded place, but I don't know if she got it. I came out to another friend in person, but over text, because again, there were a lot of people there. I've actually talked to her about my feelings more closely, so that was really nice. Another friend found a book I'd bought (This Book is Gay), and was making jokes about it. Then I had dinner at his house with the girl I just mentioned, and his sister was there (his parents weren't), and he was talking about it, and then his sister just jumped in asking me if I was gay, and I sort of gave a vague answer because it was uncomfortable, and we haven't really talked about it after that.

I want to find a label I feel sure about, and comfortable about so I can tell more people. I was thinking like homosexual demiromantic, but I dunno. I sort of just want to identify as plain old gay, but I feel like that rules out any feelings I might possible have towards guys, and I don't want to label myself bi or pan. At the moment I've put the label queer on here, because it refers to pretty much anything that's not straight. And that's what I am. Not straight.

(If you're wondering about my gender identity, I'm a cisgendered female. No doubts about that)

If you need any clarification on anything, I'm happy to respond. You can give advice if you would like, you don't have to.

Anyway, if you're still here, thanks for reading this incredibly long post!

Don't forget to be awesome!!!

 

First of all, thank you guys for your advice and support. It's nice to talk to someone about this where it won't be awkward or uncomfortable.

I know I didn't respond to this for a while, but I didn't really feel like thinking about it. I don't know, I just feel like I owe it to you to respond, because you're all so nice and helpful.

I still haven't really figured it out, but I feel like since I can't really imagine myself in a relationship with a guy and I'm not really attracted to them I'll probably just label myself as gay (or maybe queer, because I actually really like that label).

I've met a couple of really nice girls recently who I know are gay, so that's pretty nice. I sort of want a girlfriend, even though I don't particularly like anyone right now. There have been posters put up about a LGBT-type club at our school. The first meeting's tomorrow, and I don't know if I want to go. I'm leaving the country for six months soon, so I don't know if I want to be part of it, and also, I don't want to go alone. I was thinking of asking this transgender boy in my grade (he just started transitioning this summer) if he was going, but I dunno. We'll see. If I don't go this week, maybe next week.

I've also been really busy! I just took my level seven piano exam, and I'm ready to get some new pieces. I was also in a play that just finished up a couple weeks ago. I have to get caught up for all the school I'll miss when my family's in Europe, and say goodbye to all my friends. My sexuality's not super high on my list right now.

Once again, thanks for all your help and DFTBA.