I was going to write a swift «am I asexual/aromantic?» entry, but I’m apparently starved for a conversation partner, seeing how this monstrosity was born. (That’s what you get from working 9 hours alone every day with only like 1-6 customers every hour and no one to actually talk to!!!!) Anyway, I understand how the length might make this unreadable, so let me apologize in advance. I kinda just needed to write down what I was thinking and feeling, and there isn’t someone I can talk about this with, so on the internet it goes. If anyone takes the time to read this and maybe even give me some sort of response, I would be forever grateful! (And please forgive any typos or grammatical errors, English isn’t my first language!) Sooo. Where to begin. I am a 20 year old girl, and I am uncertain in my sexuality. Or, I’m getting kinda certain, but hearing someone else’s opinion might be helpful when you’re stuck discussing it over and over with yourself. I have never really concerned myself too much with sexuality, as I firmly believe that love is love no matter what. I also didn’t worry to much about myself, thinking that I’d eventually figure it all out, probably when Prince Charming swept me off my feet, catching me just as I fainted from how much «luuuuv» I’d be feeling. (That’s kinda how reality seems when you grow up as a little nerd spending most of your childhood devouring books and watching fictional couples on TV, right?) I got my first «boyfriend» at age 8, but that was truly completely platonic. Still I felt the need to «break up» just in case when I actually got a real boyfriend (this guy asked me to be his girlfriend, and that makes it a completely legit relationship when your 10.), and that guy I «dated» for about three years. I say «dated», as we didn’t really hang out much, (due to some distance, different schools, and you know, me not actually being all that interested.), and when we did we usually just played my video games or did stuff I’d have done with or without him there. He endured, because «love», right? Poor guy. As our relationship reached the three year mark, with us having met up perhaps, ten times a year? (And a lot of that was at the «youth club» we both attended), we started fooling around. And by that I mostly mean kissing and making out, which was kinda nice (albeit a bit gross, and not something I would usually instigate), but I’d rather keep watching the movie that was on in the background. Being in a relationship (with someone I didn’t feel very relationship-y about) was very tiresome, and so I broke it off at age 13. I figured I was still just a kid, and that this guy wasn’t The One. At all. The guy didn’t quite see it the same way, and he was devastated to learn that we wouldn’t spend the rest of our lives together. (Which, just saying, can’t be normal at age 13 no matter what!!!!) When I met this guy and started hanging out (though the youth center we both went to somewhat weekly), I felt flattered and excited at his attention, but this quickly faded out and turned into annoyance. I would usually decline spending time together, and to this day I can’t understand how he could take our break-up that hard. However, at the beginning of High School, I met a new guy. Let’s call him Jack. After a couple of months of everyone in class getting to know each other better, we became fast friends. We would talk for hours, we shared a lot of interests, and he was easily my new best friend. (Still is, actually.) His attention made me feel the same way as I did with Guy1, and I decided this was most definitely a crush. We started dating, (or rather, we became girlfriend and boyfriend, and hung out in class like we’d used too.) This lasted roughly two months, and I quickly became stressed, annoyed and uncomfortable being around Jack alone. When I broke up, he was a bit upset, but in the end I think he saw that it was inevitable. During the period we were together we kissed goodbye once, a peck on the lips like your relative might give you. I told people I broke up because I realized I felt like Jack was my brother, and that I really liked him but not «like that». After a while, when we were speaking again, Jack actually mentioned that he found me a bit weird while we were dating, seeing as I didn’t appear interested in anything sexual. Or intimate, at all. «I was thinking you might be, like, asexual, or something», he said, and I said «of course not», because I’m not. How could I be, when I’ve always felt like I have a high sex-drive and have masturbated frequently for at least ten years? I decided that because my life was changing a lot, and I was going to move once every year in the next few years, it wasn’t the right time for a relationship. (Oh denial, you are my friend.) Also, I didn’t really want one beyond the promise of someone who was «mine» and knew me better than anyone, and would stroke my hair and sometimes cuddle and maybe live with me and… Basically a really touchy-feely best friend, in other words. I have had a lot of friends, and some of them even quite close too me, but our personal space is kinda huge, and we don’t usually touch beyond a hug hello or goodbye. The reason why I’m reconsidering my life and choices right now, is because I’ve moved away from home and am living in a much bigger city. I’ve met a lot of new people, and two guys have now asked me out. In the span of one week. And as I panicked, and chanted to myself «no no no, I do not want to go out with you, no thanks, not gonna happen NOPE» I called my friend to complain, and her comment kinda stuck with me. I told her how TWO guys were asking me out, and she said, «you know, this is kinda the opposite of a problem!» Which is true, seeing as «everybody» is thinking about sex every few seconds, and «hitting that» and thinking someone's «hot» or, excuse my language, «fuckable", while I’m just as into sex as everybody else… I just don’t really want to have it. With another person. Like, I’m just fine doing stuff to myself? Feels good, get’s it done the right way, and doesn’t have to include someone else and make it all emotionally messy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that while I truly enjoy porn, erotica, smut, etc., I never actually envision another person while masturbating. I usually just think about the same stuff as usual, like what I should make for dinner, or what will happen in that tv show tomorrow night. And while I am more than capable of finding someone aesthetically pleasing, I never look at someone and think «I’d like to sleep with him/her, cause daym s/he’s sexy». And if I do, it feels completely hypothetical, and I don’t think I’d have gone through with it if the person actually offered? I sometimes feel really excited about new acquaintances, and I’d call it a crush, but it isn’t really romantic. It’s more the potential of a new and maybe someday close friend, I think. And as it dawned on me that being completely panicked and downright upset and angry because someone asks you out isn’t «normal». My internal rant went somewhat like this, «why does he have to upset the status quo? WHY? We’re friends, and YES I want to watch a movie, and have dinner, and cuddle on the couch, and do stuff and hang out and talk every day, but I don’t want your body parts inside me! And that’s apparently what you want, because why else would you ask me out on a date when we’re just becoming friends?! NOT FAIR, now I might have to stop hanging out with you if you only want me for the potential of a relationship, what a mess!» I’ve censored out the bad words, because I am a classy lady. Sometimes. Of course I didn’t write anything like this in response, it went more like «sure, that would nice », all the while thinking that after a date or two the whole thing would just die out when he realized that there was nothing there, or I (forcibly) pointed it out, like I’d already done twice before. I had to tell one of the guys asking me out that I’m not looking for a relationship right now, (cause he was moving waaaaay fast, and asking me out every. single. day.), but I’m more than open for a friendship. (Cliche much? However, in reality I haven’t lived here long, and I have about three friends (who doesn’t know each other) that I see once a month, so new friends; very welcome indeed.) He answered that he understood that I felt we were moving to fast, and that he’d respect that even though he couldn’t help any «accidental feelings occurring over time» or whatever. Which is fine, seeing as I don’t think I’m gonna be his new lover no matter how many sparkly, magical rainbow fairies spray us in love dust. However it does make me feel «disconnected» or "on the outside", like there’s something most everybody else is experiencing and I’m just «wrong». I’ll be sitting at a bar watching a friend make out with someone she literally met twenty minutes ago, and I’ll think «this is completely weird. What the? Why would you do that with a stranger? ….why do it at all». I’m not a prude or a grandma, but I just don’t get the appeal. But seeing as I’ve never had sex, I feel like I should at least try if the right person came along? I’m kind of feeling like my obvious conclusion to everything would be that I’m actually asexual(??) or aromantic(???), but how can I know? When I’ve tried to read up on this, it states that an ace/arom doesn’t feel sexual attraction, but I can’t know if I've felt sexual attraction if I actually can’t feel it?! Right? I’ve always been awfully interested in sex, but not in the «experimenting as a twelve year old» or playing doctor, but more like a scientist finding out how things work, how it all fits together, and what other people do. (And also how it seems to have everyone else in a frenzy, doing their alcohol-soaked mating dances, or sticking their tongues down each others throat in a CLASSROOM. (Seriously though, you’re fourteen years old, please don’t have foreplay on a desk during recess, oh God, please. <- traumatic real life experiences.) Sometimes I do feel horny and think about truly «doing it» with another person, but thinking really hard about really doing it with this person may actually result in me no longer being in the mood. The only time I’ve felt like taking it further was under the influence of (not much) alcohol, making out with my best (female) friend for (then) give or take 12 years. She’s the only person I can imagine actually spending my life with, and it doesn’t make it seem less possible in my head seeing as she’s actually a lesbian. But if the only person I might want to be «more» with has known me for 15 years, and been my closest friend for half of those, does that mean I’m probably demisexual? And I’m scared that the only reason I actually want a romantic relationship with anyone is for intimacy and having someone to be with, (and kids, dogs, suburban life, white picket fence, like «normal people» have), which isn’t really enough for most of the guys asking me out - expecting a «real» girlfriend happy to have sex and give blowjobs (just no) and making out and being all lovey-dovey with pet names and…. Sigh. I think I could put up with all that if it got me cuddles, intimacy and a best friend in return, but in the end that wouldn’t be fair to my partner. «Enduring» sexual activities isn’t the best foundation for a lasting relationship, or so I’ve heard. Haha. (And no, I am absolutely not saying that being asexual is «abnormal». I honestly would be perfectly fine living without sex, I think. As long as I had a partner that loved me and «got me», and I could still get off on my own. However, even though my relatives support my claims that having kids now (at 20) is insane, they do inquire after potential boyfriends from time to time. (That’s all people my age care about, having 15 boyfriends a year, isn’t it?) Telling them that I actually have lots of suitors isn’t really something I’ll do, because that only makes everything worse. On the other hand, right now they’re all sympathetic and a bit sad for me, because I can’t get a boyfriend (and I’ll probably die alone surrounded by my 30 cats. No, but seriously, they don’t even think that, it isn’t a possibility because I’m gonna reach the top and become prime minister or something, and of course I’ll get married and have lot’s of crazy sex and make babies. And I do (really) want kids, I just don’t really want to do the nasty. Or necessarily have a father in the picture. This is a mess.) Anyway, I’m pretty much done with vol. 1 of my autobiography, but I’ll have to say, writing all this was pretty therapeutic. Finally I would like to know if anyone has any insights on how I should go on about «coming out» if the need should arise. I've pretty much been living on Tumblr these past couple of months, and even though I only follow fandom blogs the whole LGBT, Kinsley scale, CIS, feminism, racism, etc, etc, etc.-side of Tumblr have reached me pretty well. However, even as I’ve suddenly discovered the existence of asexuality and the likes, a lot of the people I surround myself with would probably think I’d experienced some sort of sexual abuse, that I just have a low sex drive due to mental problems, that I didn’t get enough love and intimacy from my parents as a child, that their divorce «broke» me, or so on. What are some good answers to what asexuality is? How do you usually say no to potential suitors? And not just strangers, but friends who’d like to take it a step further? Keep in mind that I might not be shy, but I’m not forward, direct, blunt or bold at all either! I’m much more likely to fumble out a polite and vague answer than say what I think and feel, which is something I’m working on. But it ain’t easy. And finally finally, you know… Am I asexual or aromantic? Demi? Something new and exciting I don’t even know exist yet? (*hug*)
You're probably ace, but I can't define your sexuality for you. If you don't look at people and think "I want to sleep with you" you're ace (unless you're demi) and if you don't have crushes you're aro. And if you are demi, to avoid conflict I'd see it as an extra descriptor rather than a sexuality. I'd guess you're a straight ace, but ??? As for coming out, I don't know. Probably come out to your friends or boyfriend first unless you're close with your parents. People are going to be ignorant about it no matter what, but you probably won't get attacked. If you think you might face corrective rape, slurs, or any violence at all you should get those people out of your life.
Given what you describe, if we are using the widely-accepted, grounded in research, and recognized definitions of various (recognized) sexual orientations, you would definitely not fit into the asexual category. You'd fit quite nicely into the spectrum of either homo, hetero, or bisexuality (it isn't completely clear to me whether your attractions are to men, women, or both... but you clearly have attractions.) People who are truly asexual, if we are using the widely accepted definitions based on research and used by practically everyone except a tiny group of people who've made up their own definitions, have zero sexual attraction to anyone and no sexual interest. What you're describing is simply a lower-than-normal sex drive which... is also well within the normal spectrum and doesn't require any special labels. As for the demisexual label... a very, very large portion of heterosexual and homosexual people don't feel attraction to anyone until they get to know them, so that label, again, fits well within the spectrum of conventional labels and isn't supported by any credible research nor by any significant number of professionals who work in the field. There can be many reasons for lowered sex drive, lack of attraction, and/or dislike of sex. Nearly all of them are psychological or socialized behaviors rather than the hardwired condition that the widely-accepted definition of asexuality would require. The good news is, if I'm correct, what you're feeling is quite normal and ordinary, and the lack of sexual attraction is likely something that, with some self-exploration and self work, and possibly some therapy, could be resolved so that you can have the full, rich, and fulfilling sexual experiences that are, for the majority of people anyway, a valuable and enjoyable part of a relationship.
Long post, but interesting. Some of your experiences, I can relate to a lot. Wanting a partner to be a sort of intimate cuddle buddy rather than someone to have sex with--that makes perfect sense to me. And I also have the experience of constantly trying to get rid of guys who are after me, while everyone else seems to actually want that to happen to them. These are pretty good markers of lack of sexual interest in other people, I think. Not necessarily lack of sex drive, since you say you like masturbating. Just lack of wanting other people to be involved in sex with you. I don't think I'm aromantic, and I can't tell whether you've ever felt romantic attraction much, so I'm not that helpful on the aromantic side. But you do sound like you are on the same page as me in regards to sex, which I define for myself as very very graysexual--sex is something that interests me a lot, but mostly as a concept and not something I want to do myself. That sounds like what you were saying too. And so if I were to guess at your sexual orientation, I would say asexual, and still a question on the romantic part. A lot of times people suggest experimenting as a way to solve these questions, but it's hard to experiment if it means engaging in activities you really don't want to do. Not worth it, maybe. I don't think you need to worry about "coming out" just yet, except maybe to get rid of the guys chasing you. And you can tell people when they need to know or if you happen to be in a relationship with them, but otherwise I am not sure you need to come out much at all--unless it is important to you to have your identity out in the open, once you settle on what it is. You can message me anytime if you want to talk more, also.
There's zero credible evidence to support the idea there's a separation between romantic and sexual orientation. In this case, it is far more likely the OP's issue is not hardwired, but tied to either a separate issue. Depression and anxiety are strongly correlated with a decrease in sex drive, and according to the (crappy) studies, about 60% of people who self-identify as asexual (likely not meeting the recognized definition) also report co-occurring depression, anxiety, or anger issues. Separate from that, it's becoming increasingly common to see correlations between very early childhood (before age 2) emotional bonding issues that have a long-term effect on ability to experience strong emotion, including sexual arousal. These issues can, in most cases, be addressed in therapy. I concur that, at least from my perspective, I'd see no reason to "come out" at this stage, since so much of what's being described is likely not hardwired and can pretty easily be addressed and resolved.
Chip- I've asked this before in another thread, but didn't get a response from you. Can you give us citations of peer reviewed research articles that disprove any sort of separation between sexual and romantic orientation? If there aren't any, then we have to remember that the absence of evidence is NOT the same as evidence of absence. This issue might not have been studied enough yet, and its scientifically a mistake to discard possibilities before they have been disproved. And, if there are, then I look forward to reading them, and will accept their findings so long as their methods are sound.
You can't prove a negative. What we do have is 70 or so years of study of human sexuality, a lot of research, and journal and scholarly publications, where there's never been any indication I've ever seen (and I've looked) even inferring or implying a separation between sexual and romantic orientation. As near as I can tell -- and I did do a fairly extensive literature search when this issue started coming up a few years ago -- it's all entirely the product of a small handful of people who put forth the idea. Nobody credible has ever published about it, at least not that I can find. There is one study I have heard about secondhand, indicating that the places in the brain where arousal and attraction happen are different, but no indications of separations between romantic and sexual orientation. Further, although it's anecdotal, nobody I've even spoken to who works in the field (and that's a lot of clinicians as well as researchers) has ever seen any indication of this either. Sure, it would be great if somebody did some good research on it. I'd be totally in support of that, and would look at it with an open mind. Until then, I think it's reasonably safe to say that with all the study of human sexuality, attraction, arousal, and other things that have been looked at over the past 70 or so years, it's likely that this separation, if it existed, would have come up at some point in the past. It wouldn't just come out of nowhere. Tomorrow, 100 people on some online community could get together and collectively decide, without any scientific basis to do so, that lots of people have monkeys flying out of their asses. But just because there's no peer-reviewed research proving that there are no monkeys flying out of anyone's asses doesn't mean that there are, in fact, monkeys flying out of people's asses. The same thing basically applies here.
Welcome. Glad you're here. I'm also Asexual. I think it's hard to self identify when you don't know how it feels to be attracted in the same way you see other people expressing their understanding of attraction. But that's basically what it's all about. For me as long as I can remember, I felt like everyone else had drank someone's kool-aid and suddenly started acting bizarre when near certain other people. I'm not trying to be insulting of attraction but those of us who don't get it... well, we don't get it. And the decisions attracted people make to get closer to, grab the attention of, and so on... well I'm not sure what they are basing these decisions on, but it all seems highly not worth it to me. LOL Why? Well, I guess in keeping with the analogy I'm immune to their kool-aid. LOL I remember when I was super young... like elementary school aged... seeing adults being attracted to one another and wondering if they'd been drinking because they seemed kind of drunk. LOL Maybe that helps sum it up for you or maybe not. Meanwhile, Still glad you're here.
