Hi there, I'm new here, but I hope somebody maybe can relate to my situation or give some advice. Usually I'm not one for labels. After more than a year of struggle with my transness and sexual orientation, I'm ok with not having correct words for them. Close friends understand me beyond labels, and to the rest I'll just come out as whatever I'm not: a woman/a man, heterosexual... But when I read a bit about aromanticism, I started thinking, and the possibility to label myself as aromantic has made me feel all optimistic and giddy for a day now. I know some people might see that as proof enough that a label might fit me. But I'm more confused than that. I have been in (few) romantic relationships, and they were emotionally close and long-lasting (I'm kinda loyal and persistent...) but I wasn't that sad when they ended. We just went on being friends, and that was cool for me, except for sometimes missing the physical intimacy. That lack of lovesickness always made me feel like a bit of a coldhearted monster... For years now, I couldn't really imagine being in a romantic relationship with somebody. On the other hand, I do experience sexual attraction ("pansexual"), and I literally get butterflies in my stomach, but am really shy and private about my sexuality (even more now that I came out as trans), and always thought I could only really entrust it to someone really close, which would somehow force me to have a romantic relationship. So I never know if I'm just too inhibited about what I actually want to have with people to even admit it to myself, or if what I feel towards people just generally doesn't fit within the concept of romantic relationships. Also sexual attraction, wanting to cuddle, trust and deep emotional connection, those are just completely seperate things for me, directed towards several different people at the same time. Still, the term "polyamourous" REALLY doesn't seem to fit. What confuses me, too: I do enjoy a good (preferably queer) love story. I even tend to think them out myself. It just doesn't seem to translate into my actual life. The "are-you-aromantic"-checklists seem to imply you must find everything romantic strange, absurd and uninteresting? I wonder if it would help me to just say I'm aromantic, because the only other concept I have for this is "freak that's going to die alone when everybody else couples up". This could help me out of the sadness when people tend to see my relationships as "just friendships" :tantrum: Even when I and the other person distinctly feel like we're more than friends but can't find words for it. Thanks so much for reading! GenderSciFi
Hmm... truthfully, it makes little sense for you to adopt an aromantic sexual identity as you clearly want to be in an intimate relationship with others. I identify partly as aromantic because I never felt any need for an intimate relationship, never really wanted to date or have a partner, kissing and hugging seems weird and uncomfortable and I'm 34. The reason why I'm not aromantic is because I am trans and I can potentially see mysrlf in an imtimate relationship with a girl once I transition into a girl. Two things you can understand out of this, aromantic orientation is actually really clearly defined. You feel a complete lack of desire for romantic intimacy, most aromantics have never been in a relationship and see no need to be in one... it's meaningless to them. The second thing to take into consideration is that being trans influences your ability to be intimate with others because of the feeling of disconnect and unstable identity. Transitioning (partly) should help you feel more comfortable with being intimate with others because of feeling more comfortable with your own body and self. In your case, I wouldn't even say that your ability to be intimate sounds impaired. You clearly desire a romantic relationship and the fact that you have already been in a few relationships shows that you aren't even that shy. Be patient with yourself, in time it will become easier and you will find a partner who sees you for who you are and you feel comfortable enough with to be truly intimate with... (*hug*) Yael
Hey, thanks so much for the great advice! It's definitely made me think more about how the trans thing might impact my troubles with my orientation. At the same time, I don't know... my friendships actually fulfill me very much, and there are one or two people that I can open up to about almost everything eusa_liar weeeell, why then do I not discuss this with them? hmm...). They feel like more than friends. But the thought of being in a romantic relationship with them... :dry: But then again, what does that even mean? Different things for everybody! Basically, yeah, I like intimacy of different sorts, physically and emotionally. Intimacy = romance? Sooo confusing! :help:
