Hi all, I've decided to come on here to see if I can find some answers about my sexuality, which I've come to realise is more complicated than simply naming myself as a 25-year-old gay man. Recently, whilst dating guys I've found myself questioning whether I'm really sexually attracted to them. I think they're very attractive and I wouldn't say that's the issue here, but I have often found that I'm not really excited by sex. During sex I often feel dislocated and have to work hard in my imagination to get turned on. Often I have to imagine that we're in some kind of porn movie or fantasy to get off. As this happens everytime I date a guy I lose confidence in myself and it ends awkwardly with me suggesting that we could just be friends whilst feeling a little fustrated that the physical side isn't working. However, I do think about sex alot. I wouldn't say I have the highest libido - it goes up and down - but I do want sex and think about it frequently. Usually this means that I use porn, or gay dating apps like ****** and S***** to get myself off. I usually do this daily because it makes me feel attractive and wanted. I've been using porn since I was about 12 or 13 like this and now it feels like it's the only way I can be sexual. I have had some good sexual experiences in the past, but these are just 1 or 2 in many. I would really like to start a relationship and have good sex with another man, but these sexual difficulties have often made me lose confidence and back away from dating or the guys I've been dating. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual, but I don't think I would be so attracted to guys if I was and think about sex so much. What do you think this could be? I am just overthinking things?
Well, I think the porn and the dating apps might be hurting somewhat, to begin with. After all, when you get down to it, real sex is a bit of a mess. There's some fumbling, some repositioning, something that seemed hot in fantasy doesn't feel all that hot when you try it out, there's the sweat and the breath and then your partner accidentally elbows you in the eye or accidentally uses teeth where no teeth should be felt, or one of you comes way earlier than expected. That doesn't mean it's not also a whole lot of fun! But it's definitely more work than a fantasy where everything goes exactly as planned. And... you have been specialising in a very specific set of fantasies for some time now. That's not weird. Most people start off that way. But it does mean that your usual way of getting off is basically "ideal sex". In your idel porn fantasy, or even phone or text sex, all goes exactly as planned and everyone knows instinctively what to do and you both finish at the exact moment you want to. Then real sex happens and it's somewhat offputting to discuver it's not like what you imagined. So... I think to overcome that, there's several things you can do. One of them is, in fact, to back off the porn a bit. I'm not saying you shouldn't masturbate even when in a relationship, but it helps to use real sex you had as inspiration. Or construct a fantasy with the actual guy you're dating. Not just inserting yourself into a porn movie or a picture on an app. Secondly... how do you generally feel about a guy before you sleep with him? On some level, I think sex is best enjoyed when it is more than "Oh, he's kinda hot, so let's try how he is in the sack". Physical attractiveness only gets you so far, IME. To me, a lot of what makes good sex great is the feeling of "OMG, this guy is so awesome. And he's willing to get barenaked with me!". In effect, I'm more focusing on the other guy, how he is enjoying himself, and whether he's getting any pleasure. The right kind of partner will then usually reciprocate the gesture. Finally: good sex is about communication. So don't be afraid to give pointers (and of course to take them in return). If you have a thing you want to do, then tell your partner and he will probably take direction. Don't just go to some parrallel porn movie, but direct your own, as it were. Of course, all of this is going off your first post. Feel free to come back and tell me why this is or isn't on the money! And finally: nope, you don't sound asexual to me. And getting sex to work is sometimes a thing that takes some effort!
Hi Filip, Thank you for your post - it has helped to make me feel alot calmer. Your post really made me reflect on how much expectation I had been putting onto sex, and that's not fair on myself and certainly not on the person I'm with. Your post especially struck a cord when you wrote about that 'ideal' fantasy that you can conjure and dismiss at your will. As you say, real sex isn't a fantasy, it's filled with awkwardness but it should feel individual. I think that I've been inserting myself into these movies and fantasies for so long that I've forgotten what kind of guys I like in exchange for the men that those fantasies present. To answer your question about how I feel about a guy before I sleep with him: alot of the time I feel a mixture of excitement and nerves, although probably more nerves as I've had more experience and the problems I mentioned started to present themselves. I do have a few crushes, but I agree it's more than the physical. I suppose all of these things that I mentioned have made me lose quite a bit of confidence in the sexual side of myself. These gay dating apps put physical attractiveness about everything, and after a while, in my opinion, that finds its way into how you benchmark your own worth. Even if you're showered with compliments it only sets the bar higher. And all of this, again, starts to wrap what you believe is attractive. Again, thank you very much for your post. I'd really like to take a step back from the dating and apps and just figure out actually what I like, not the people on the apps or in the movies.
