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Came out, but OCD forcing me to question myself??

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by neonbutterfly, Sep 29, 2015.

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  1. neonbutterfly

    neonbutterfly
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    Hello everyone!

    So I have had many many problems with OCD in the past. Germophobia, hypochondria, hand washing, etc but mainly its the ruminations and the obsessing that gets me and i don't have many outward compulsions.

    A couple of days ago I came out to my family and over facebook that I prefer women(4-5 kinsey scale). I grew up mormon so i think i have a lot of internalized homophobia which may be a big factor with this, but i can't stop arguing with myself over whether or not certain thoughts mean I'm "truly gay" or not. I know that sexuality is fluid and I'm definitely not exclusively 100% gay, but i feel like my attraction to women outweighs my attraction to men enough that saying I'm bisexual feels wrong.

    I feel gay. I know that being with men always had a sort of disconnected feeling, like I'm not really so into it. I have been with two women, and both times it was absolutely different from men and it was like sparks and fireworks and afterward i got a little obsessed.

    I know for a fact that having sex with men is completely unappealing to me now. Dicks are gross, they smell gross, and the faces men make when having sex totally turn me off. However, I enjoy the physical pleasure and the touch of another person.

    I can appreciate and be physically attracted to a man occasionally (however i almost never check out dudes on the street), and this is probably why I'm confused. I think i might just crave the love and affection of another human being (desperately) so sometimes if a man who's somewhat good looking shows me attention, i can get a sort of "crush" feeling. But realistically I know I'm not interested in being with a man or having sex with one, but this little crush feeling i get makes me sit and argue with myself about whether or not i can truly call myself gay.

    I feel like i want to identify as gay, but its like the OCD forces me to weigh out every single little factor to prove it to myself. There have been tons of clues in my past (for example, I know I've constantly checked out other women's bodies my whole life, not so much with guys) and it really seems like I'm gay but why do i have little crush feelings on guys sometimes?

    The whole mormon thing i think might be to blame because i never wanted to be "bad" or "wrong" and i was taught that homosexuality was wrong, so every time i found myself looking at a girl it was like "no don't look thats wrong". I wonder if this is so ingrained in me that even though i want to identify as gay and feel like i should, my brain says "no no no wrong wrong wrong" and tries to talk me out of it or play tricks on me to make me think i'm not?

    I guess its just the label that gets me mostly, saying "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" brings up that "no no wrong wrong" feeling, but everything points to me being gay.

    I considered maybe I'm homosexual biromantic but it kind of seems like splitting hairs to me. And I don't want to be with dudes.

    any help here? anyone else here struggle with something similar? sorry if the post is long
     
    #1 neonbutterfly, Sep 29, 2015
  2. angeluscrzy

    angeluscrzy
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    I can relate as I too have ocd, and more than my share of obsessive thoughts. It seems anything I think about very much causes a lot of anxiety. I've worried a lot about having ended my ltr with the mother of my children, what if I meet a guy and find out I seriously over-romanticized the gay feelings and thoughts I've had. I worry over what if I am intimate with a guy and all those shameful ways I felt when I was younger come back. I worry over what if no guys are attracted to me, just everything.
    I'm just trying to adjust my approach to things now by just telling myself I am free now to just see what comes organically. No more feeling like I need to be with someone. I need to just (somehow) get up the nerve to get out more and meet people. I know that having a deep connection with another guy is possible, because I was crazy over my best friend as a teen, even tho it was unrequited. Seems that the best course of action is just to take all the labels out of the equation and just focus on what simply feels genuine. Wherever that comes from, to just embrace it and see where it goes.

    I realize my thoughts strayed off the point a bit, but I did actually have a moment today where I foumd myself checking out a girl. She was wearing a half shirt and very in shape with some visible tattoos and her hair was dyed pink. I found her incredibly nice looking. But then as I thought more, I just kinda realized I admired her beauty a lot but I didn't see myself as wanting to really have sex with her or anything.
     
    #2 angeluscrzy, Sep 29, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2015
  3. newfish

    newfish
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    I don't have OCD and I still wonder sometimes if I'm wrong, despite no evidence to support this (though not nearly as much as I thought about it when I first came out). Not sure how the OCD will affect this, but I just kept reminding myself that I was sure.
     
    #3 newfish, Sep 29, 2015
  4. Geek

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    There's even a special term for this: HOCD

    According to Google:
    While it can be an issue for me at the end of the day I realize that love is love and it doesn't really matter.
     
    #4 Geek, Sep 29, 2015
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    No there isn't at least not if you're talking to anyone credible on the subject.

    There's no more HOCD than there's "flipping light switches OCD" or "not standing on cracks OCD" or "washing hands OCD." There is only OCD. A very small group of people have attempted (fortunately, so far, unsuccessfully) to perpetrate the idea that there is somethign called HOCD, and this is doing a huge disservice to people genuinely diagnosed with OCD as well as people who are in denial about being gay and using "HOCD" as a way to avoid accepting themselves.

    OP, given that you have what sounds like a fairly severe set of OCD-related symptoms, your situation is probably best discussed with a therapist with deep familiarity with OCD to help you sort out and resolve where the sexual identity ends and the OCD begins (or vice versa.)

    I would also suggest, if you aren't already familiar with it, the book "Brain Lock", written by a researcher/clinician on OCD, which has a research-proven practical strategy that has been very helpful to many suffering with OCD.
     
    #5 Chip, Sep 29, 2015
  6. Scifiguy338

    Scifiguy338
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    Practically, you seem gay. Its normal to feel satisfied when you get positive attention from someone, and I can't say whether those 'crush feelings' are socially ingrained or not, or whether they are confused with feeling admired. Its quite normal to appreciate someone's appearance regardless of gender or sexuality- many gay people confuse admiring the appearance of the opposite sex to not being gay before they were sure they are gay, and even some straight people wonder if they are still straight if they admire the same sex.
    Its definitely up to you how to identify, but it seems gay is the most practical, especially if you don't want to be with guys, and are grossed out by the idea of sex wit them.
     
    #6 Scifiguy338, Sep 30, 2015
  7. neonbutterfly

    neonbutterfly
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    wow thank you everyone for your responses! I signed up mainly to hear some other opinions on this and I'm so glad I did. It's so nice to talk to someone about this, especially others who've gone through it. I feel like I'm getting a bit more clarity now.

    Chip thank you for the book suggestion, I don't have the money for a therapist unfortunately but i do think need to get a bit more control over my OCD. I've been trying to kind of ignore it, which is pretty difficult.

    I've been trying to just let my feelings come more naturally over the last few days, and slowly I think I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that its okay for me to be gay.

    Just hearing a few responses has helped a lot! Thanks you guys! its so nice to not feel so alone :')
     
    #7 neonbutterfly, Sep 30, 2015
  8. fxngirl

    fxngirl Guest

    I don't have OCD but I used to (and still do sometimes) feel exactly the same way as you. The main reason I was confused for a long time and I didn't know whether to define myself a lesbian or not, though, is that I started having feelings for a guy. The problem, though, is that I don't ever wanna have sex with guys, so right now I don't exactly know how to define myself.
     
    #8 fxngirl, Sep 30, 2015
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