:'(

I find it's fairly normal to feel anxiety over all this, sometimes it's very difficult to come to terms and figure out your sexuality, that's fine. If imagining yourself with any gender is causing you anxiety right now, hit the brakes on that for a bit.

Meanwhile, maybe try and tackle why you're so worried about being a lesbian- is it the practical consequences you're worried about, or do you think that maybe it's wrong for you to be gay? There might be some internalized homophobia to work through, which isn't uncommon either. You can normalize different sexualities in a way, watch some TV shows, read some books with lesbian, bisexual girls (who are naturally and healthily portrayed), see how you feel that way. Look into other people's experiences coming to terms with their sexuality- not only on EC, though you can find plenty on here, but also interviews, biographies, etc, of other people out in the public.

You could maybe try looking into the past and the feelings you had for people before, however, this might not be the best idea because it can be quite anxiety-inducing too, and really confusing at least from personal experience. To some extent it can help, but it's not a foolproof, concrete way to go either.

A LGBT+ friendly counsellor or one who is specialized in talking through these kind of things can help too, if that is at all possible for you right now. You can also join some LGBT+/GSA groups, go to some of their events too and join in on some of the discussions- only if it's safe for you though, and you feel comfortable doing so. It's totally fine to go to those as someone who is questioning.

Just know that whatever orientation you figure yourself out to be, it's okay. Your attractions are normal and valid and there is nothing wrong or unnatural about feeling attraction to other women, or being a lesbian. Take your time with this, and you can always come back onto here to ask for advice whenever. Good luck!

 

I agree with mackenziesr. Explore by watching and reading, and hold off on imagining sex for a while.

It took me years (even though I knew I was attracted to girls) to feel like being with a girl was normal.

 

Someone just gave me similar advice, and I too, don't really know what to think or do. Today I started just writing down some of my thoughts. It was actually really helpful. I wrote a poem about a girl and then a boy, and it was really revealing. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. Just realize it's normal to be frightened - I'm right there with you!

 

Anxiety is your body's response to fear and fear is a defense mechanism, it evokes the fight or flight response. So for some reason you associate being with someone as danger in your mind. What you might want to figure out is why are you feeling this way? Is it what others will think? Is it deviating from society's norm? Is it that you are afraid of what you might feel? Is it that you are deep down not really interested?

Seems to me like mentally you are blocking your true feelings, whatever they may be. I'd say try and get in touch with how you feel, how you really feel. It will take some time. Pay attention to your natural response, your instincts, body's reaction, what you think about when you are not thinking, who you look at when you don't even realize it, etc. This requires a dedication to getting in touch with yourself, to cut past the overthinking and fear. What is the anxiety trying to hide? or what is the anxiety trying to tell you? Why do your current instincts see this as a "danger".

If there is still no answer. There is also the possibility of asexuality or even something called HOCD. Less likely, but still a definite possibility.

I am not going to pretend I know what I am talking about because I suffer from my own confusion about sexual orientation, but I just thought I'd try and help analyze what you might be feeling and perhaps get you thinking deeper about it? just my thoughts?