Poly or not poly

I'm poly more in theory than in practice, but I'll chime in. I've had a few experiences that have shown me I am polyamorous, but I've never been in a real poly relationship. My fiancé is polysexual for the most part though. He's fine with sex outside the relationship, but he doesn't think he has/wants to have feelings for anyone outside the relationship. We're both fine with how we identify in that regard, and he's fairly certain he would be fine with me expressing my feelings and sexuality, so long as he has priority in my heart.

My best advise would be to talk as openly and honestly as possible at all times with your partner, and with any person who you want to include in your relationship. Even if it's a :***: buddy or a one-night stand, be sure you are clear in your intentions with that person.

To me, cheating and infidelity are synonymous with lying, not with sex. By talking to each other honestly about what we feel and what our needs are, we can set rules and find compromises that we are all comfortable with so we don't betray each other's trust. Be very up front with your boundaries, especially when introducing a new person into the relationship, and make sure you are clear on their boundaries as well.

Each person in a relationship adds complexity, so be careful to consider that. There's also only so much time in a day, and you have to find ways of balancing your time so that no one feels left out or neglected.

Whether or not you want to be in a poly relationship comes down to you though. If you are happy the way things are and don't feel like it needs to change, then don't change it. If you want to explore this, make sure your partner knows how you feel. Keep in mind that every relationship is also different, and your model of a poly relationship can be completely different from someone else's model. At the heart of that, though, there should always be honesty and clear communication.

 

Yes, there are poly people out here (lots of threads on it...but it's "polyamory" not "polyamori" so that might account for a failed search...you could just search for "poly" and I'm sure you'll come up with a ton of stuff).

And yes, it's still a taboo.

But to be precise, if you've had threesomes, even with your boyfriend, then your relationship has not been monogamous. Not that there's *anything* wrong with that, mind you. Just being precise.

There is a fundamental question underlying your post, and it's bugged me for a while:

Is "polyamory" a trait or a practice. Homosexuality got a *ton* of validation when people stopped seeing it as a practice, and started understanding it as a trait. Bisexuality lacks that validation currently, but seems to have hope of moving in the same direction. People view bisexuals as "fence-sitters" and have a hard time understanding us, because they view bisexuality as a practice, rather than a trait. But people seem to be more and more coming around to accepting that bisexuals aren't bisexual because they have sex with both men and women...*some* of us have sex with men and women because we are bisexual. Same exact analysis for transpeople. Are they trans because they choose to present as the opposite sex, or do they present as the opposite sex because they are trans? After years of wrangling, society seems to have moved further on this question than on bisexuality...we understand that being trans is a trait, not a practice.

Somewhere down the line, this question needs to be examined for polyamory. Is this simply something people *do*...or is it something people *are*? It feels like the latter to me: I have the capacity to love many people. Not everyone does, and not everyone would be ok with being with me, if I can. But "the capacity to love many people" is a trait, no? To me, that makes me poly. But I think most people would say I'm *not* poly, because I've been in a monogamous relationship for 29 years...I'll only be poly if I start having sex with people other than my partner. I feel like that's a narrow/shallow view. Some of us choose to have relationships with multiple partners, because we are poly...it is not carrying on such relationships that *makes* us poly.

 

I am in a happy polyamorous marriage! There are all different kinds of polyamory. Some people have multiple casual partners outside of their primary relationship, while others just have one. Some people are interested mostly in sex outside of their relationship, while others are interested in an emotional connection, or both. Some polyamorous couples, it works where each person has people that they're seeing outside of the relationship, and those secondary relationships don't overlap. Other couples have a third party that they are both involved with. It's something worth exploring.