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Compulsion to force o/s attractions

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by foxconfessor, Oct 4, 2015.

  1. foxconfessor

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    I've posted about this a lot, but am honestly still struggling and looking for answers.

    Basically, I know where my genuine attractions lie, am becoming more comfortable with them (though still not completely) and know that following these feelings will lead to a discovery of my true self, and in turn a true form of happiness.

    But I'm still having the issue with forced opposite sex attractions. It's become a compulsion. It started with a male friend I convinced myself I had a crush on nearly 5 years ago. The thought of having a crush on him made me really happy, and the fact that I was able to fantasize about him made me so relieved - I felt like I'd finally found the escape route I was looking for all my life. Yet, in person, I didn't feel that kind of involuntary attraction to him, and most of the time when I thought about him I couldn't help but wonder whether this was what people really meant when they described "not being able to stop thinking about" a person - but rather just something I did out of habit, because I knew I should.

    These doubts led me to realise that I really was gay. Yet the more certain I felt about this, the stronger the compulsion became to feel something with him. Now I feel pretty much dead certain of my sexuality, whenever I hang out with him, I get this desire to be physically close with him, and whenever he does something sweet or kind or generous my heart skips a beat.

    But it still doesn't feel like the thing - that connection I can imagine with women, complete with feelings of longing that stem from my desire for them as individuals. I still feel like on one hand, with this guy, we should really just be friends - that that was my true instinct all along, yet all this absorbed heteronormativity tricked me into thinking that because we had so much in common, and are so right for each other, that our relationship had to develop into a romantic thing.

    I know all of this, but still there is this compulsion which I really have to rail hard against when I'm with him - which isn't the same as fighting genuine feelings for someone, but to others may seem that way (certainly, I wouldn't attempt to explain this to any of my friends!)

    Please can anyone who has experienced this frustration please give me some advice on how to fight this! It's one of the few remaining sticking points for me accepting myself, and has almost ruined what could have been a genuinely great friendship. :eusa_doh:
     
  2. foxconfessor

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    Still feeling frustrated by this! Anyone?
     
  3. QBear

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    I wish I could offer some useful advice, but I've not experienced this situation, per se. And, being bisexual, I have attractions to both men and women, so I can't exactly relate.

    I guess I can say that I did have the realization last year that dating straight women really doesn't work for me, and vowed to only date other queer folks (women, men, and trans folks) from then on. It has been very freeing.

    Before that, I tended to compulsively develop "crushes" on many of the single straight women I met. It was pretty distracting, but also rather disappointing. But also, in retrospect, I think I was also searching for a woman to try to be straight with. Which, of course, was inevitably disappointing, because I'm not straight, and don't want a straight relationship. (I know it sounds odd that being with a straight woman wouldn't work for a bisexual guy - but for me it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I'm somewhat gender non-conforming, maybe it's that I don't feel that straight women "get" me, maybe its something else, but it's true for me.)

    Anyhow, how is my experience relevant to your situation?
    I think the lesson I learned is that, even though I knew I was bisexual, I was still stuck in the compulsive mode of searching for someone to "fit into" the straight world with, and that wasted a lot of energy. But once I vowed that I was ONLY going to date people that really do it for me, and then actively pursued those folks, I was freed from my compulsive crushing.

    So, maybe the best way to stop your compulsive but unsatisfying crushing on your male friend is to vow to only date other girls, and then actively pursue that?

    Or maybe not. Individual results may vary. Lol
     
    #3 QBear, Oct 6, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2015
  4. UniqueJourney

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    I've not experienced exactly what you are describing, but I have a compulsion that is similar in some ways.

    Every single one of my romantic relationships has been rushed from the friendship stage straight into a romantic/sexual relationship. And then at some point, with each one of them, I realize that by forcing a sexual attraction and interaction that wasn't really there, I actually destroyed any chance of obtaining the non-sexual intimacy of a deep and abiding friendship that I most long for.

    Ultimately what has begun helping me move past this tendency, is to take a breather from relationships of all types (because I can be attracted to any sex/gender etc)...and just learn to be comfortable and happy and in love with me. No relationships means no pressure to sexualize something that deep down I don't want to be sexual.

    At some point when I'm more grounded in myself I'll be strong enough to be me...in a relationship that evolves naturally from friendship into something more.

    If you aren't in counseling, you might find it helpful, though it can certainly take time to find one that's a good "fit". I resisted counselling for many years, but when I finally gave in I was blessed to find a counselor who has been a tremendous help to me. I would give up every other doctor I had before I gave up my counselor.

    Learning that I can break this cycle of compulsion is beyond amazing. I hope that you can find your own freedom from yours. All my best to you.
     
  5. Mickey 29

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    foxconfessor: I was in the same situation about 6months ago. It took me a long time to realize I was gay (I always thought I was bi, then I thought I was bi with a preference for dudes...but I had only had sex with women). After figuring out I was, in fact, gay... I still continued to have sex with women, because it was all I knew. It became less enjoyable with each passing year...and I would specifically seek out women who were looking for casual sex, nothing serious, as I knew it could never really last.

    Well, about 6 months ago, I ended up falling for a good friend of mine. Really the only close female friend I've ever had. We started hanging out a lot and I really was falling in love with her. It really sucked because I felt like I had finally figured out my sexuality, and here I was... falling in love with a woman. I tried to play it off like I wasn't interested in her, but my actions said otherwise. I even ended up moving in with her when I started taking classes at a University she lives near (granted I moved into her basement, and we didn't talk about being a couple at all...I actually wasn't even sure if she was interested in me). Anyhow, over the course of two weeks, I started to fall for her more. One night, we made out and I actually tried to initiate sex, but she stopped me. She told me she wasn't into anything casual, and that she always liked me, and asked if I would ever date her. I immediately felt like a huge piece of shit, and eventually blurted out "I'm Gay". She cried (I think mostly out of shock) and then I spent the next 3 weeks convincing her I was gay, as I don't think she wanted to believe it. She even said she didn't care that I was gay and still thought we could have a relationship. I knew that would never work, but it also broke my heart to tell her, because I really did love her...but I could never give her fully what she wanted.

    Anyhow, we are still good friends now, and closer in a lot of ways. But for me, it definitely complicated things when I pursued any sort of relationship that was against who I truly knew I was. And saying "knew" is a weird thing. I didn't officially "know" until I was about 27, but really I felt like I always did.

    Based on my experience, I would suggest remaining friends with him and pursuing a relationship with a woman if you feel you are ready for that.
     
  6. VictoryForEarth

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    The same thing happened to me. I felt so sure I had to be straight and have a romantic relationship with someone I convinced myself I was in love with a guy I barely even knew. He was nice and smart and so I convinced myself he was my One True Love. It was only when I realized I was forcing my feelings for him that I realized my romantic interest in women and genderqueers, and my Demisexuality came soon after.
     
  7. TheStormInside

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    Your situation has some similarities to one I've been in in the past, with my ex bf who was also a very close friend. I do think I had a genuine crush on him, for years really, and as you said it was like your relationship in that you seemed so compatible and got on so well that the romantic relationship seemed the thing to do.

    Well, I really loved spending time with him when we did eventually get together, but physically I didn't really have much of a desire to be near him. I don't think I felt the "compulsion" like you are describing but there was a definite sense of going through the motions. We were a couple so, we should hold hands, cuddle, be intimate. I did it because it's what you're "supposed" to do, and it's what he wanted. But, it felt forced, and anxiety provoking. I too felt like I needed to make myself enjoy being physical with him, so perhaps that's where we are similar. I realize now that a straight woman wouldn't have to force herself, she would just enjoy it. And, likely desire it. I think as women we get this message that we don't desire sex, or that sex is something we do for "our men" and so to me it felt like, maybe there's something wrong with me, but at the same time women often complain about having to have sex more often than they'd like and perhaps that was the issue. Here's a secret though- women DO like to have sex, provided they are actually sexually attracted to their partner.

    I think for now, maybe try to relax around this guy and listen to what your feelings are telling you. It sounds like you two aren't together (are you?) so there's no need to engineer situations where you must be physical. Can you just try to let things happen naturally? I think the best thing would be to do your best to just experience the time you spend together without worrying about your feelings or your orientation too much, and just let what happens happen. Maybe you'll find you ARE indeed drawn to him. Or maybe you'll find once you relax and take that pressure off you really just want to be friends. But, it's hard to see these things clearly when we monitor and over-analyze every feeling and action we take.
     
  8. foxconfessor

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    Thanks for all your responses guys! I'm so grateful to be able to have a dialogue like this.

    It's interesting a few of you have experienced genuine romantic feelings towards members of the opposite sex, despite not wanting to do anything sexual with them. I'm not sure I can imagine it, at least not for myself. Perhaps for some people there are divisions or exceptions, but clinging onto a possibility of developing some form of romantic/sexual feelings for a guy in the name of "fluidity" will only prevent me from accepting myself wholly - no ifs, no buts.

    But yeah, TheStormInside, I too used the widespread portrayals of female heterosexuality (as somehow less pertinent/powerful than other sexualities) to explain my aversion to guys. It's weird though - now I feel oddly drawn towards guys for their masculine attributes/energy - a physical pull almost, a desire to be embraced into that energy. Yet I think that must be an effect of conditioning, as I cannot for the life of me imagine falling in love with a guy, experiencing a person-specific attraction to a guy, dating or spending my life with a guy. It's hard to explain, but trying to frame guys in that way for myself almost seems to make my soul feel nauseous.

    Counselling isn't really a logistical option for me but I feel I have actually made a surprising amount of progress myself, with help from this forum. I've still got an incredibly long way to go and things are still heavy and tough, but I'm making progress, I think.

    I'm meeting my friend tomorrow, and will use this time as a exercise in discipline - by trying to remain in tune with myself, break through all the filters I've created and enjoy our relationship for what it is - a good friendship. Which, given the circumstances, I guess I should treat as a small triumph, rather than a loss.
     
  9. foxconfessor

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    Update: So, this didn't work. Mood right now: :bang: