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Feel like an impostor no matter where I feel my sexuality lies?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Hachi, Oct 6, 2015.

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  1. Hachi

    Hachi
    Regular Member

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    Hey there, I've posted here before, and I lurk here quite often. Emptyclosets is my safe spot. NOTE - This is long and I apologize. I just felt like getting it all out.

    Lately I've just been feeling increasingly anxious about myself and my preferences. Growing up I believed I was straight.

    I have only dated men. Granted, I've only dated two, the second of which I am currently dating. My first relationship I specifically remember him asking me out and me thinking, "Attraction comes later...right?" I know for 100% certainty that I not only did not find him attractive, but the first times that we kissed etc. I was actively repulsed. In the end, however, I got used to the relationship and just sort of "got it over with" in terms of everything sexual.

    I started dating my second boyfriend about a year ago. I am a very introverted, picky person when it comes to whom I share my company with, and my boyfriend shared a lot of my feelings and opinions on certain things. I also found him attractive. He is very handsome.

    However, about a year ago is also when I realized for 100% certainty that I was at the very least bi. Before I began dating my boyfriend, there was a girl at the coffee shop next door who I always got a little nervous about. That's when it hit me - I'd always gotten a little nervous around girls ever since I hit puberty or so. I *can't* make girl friends. I am terrified of them. I also don't want them to think I am checking them out or that they can "tell".

    I feel as though if it were easier to tell whether or not a girl liked me or to put myself out there for girls, I would be with a woman. However, since I feel as though the chance that any girl I happen upon is a lesbian is nearly impossible, I feel like dating a woman in itself is impossible.

    I love my boyfriend but I feel very much like sex is something I do exclusively for the enjoyment of my partner. and I don't know if that is a problem with me, or the fact that he is a guy. But all I know is I enjoy foreplay (he knows I like women so we will fantasize about that together) but once it's finally time for sex I just can't wait for it to be over.

    I'm sorry this is so jumbled and nonsensical, I just needed to get it off my chest. :icon_sad:
     
    #1 Hachi, Oct 6, 2015
  2. Acuba403

    Acuba403
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    First, I'm sorry you are in this position (*hug*)

    I wouldn't worry to much about labeling your sexuality, as long as you are happy with someone what it's called shouldn't matter; the only reason I say I'm Pan is so it's easier for others to understand. When it come's you your boyfriend, you should be able to talk to him and let him know your feelings on sexual intercourse and that you don't want to until you figure yourself out. It shouldn't make a difference in your relationship if you two have open lines of communication. As for the finding a girlfriend I can't help you that much I'm out of practice myself.

    Hope I helped a little bit. good luck (*hug*)
     
    #2 Acuba403, Oct 6, 2015
  3. JustAKid

    JustAKid
    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I understand what you're going through, unfortunately I have no advice as I'm currently in a similar situation and don't know what to do myself.
    Hope you find what you're looking for (a girlfriend?) and that it all works out :slight_smile:
     
    #3 JustAKid, Oct 6, 2015
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