So, the idea that I might be a lesbian has been in my head for about 2 years now, after I ended my relationship with my first and only boyfriend when I was a junior in high school. And while many of my friends are gay or bi, and I know my parents are not against it, the thought made me kind of squeamish. Even though I'd never expressed any interest in guys, I was the 'straight friend', regardless of how I felt about guys. But now that I'm willing to admit that I'm gay, I can pinpoint every 'sign' that I was, all the way back to before I started pre-k like my total disinterest in guys, the crushes I had - but thought of them only as very intense friend crushes - and more recently, how while I liked guys in theory, whenever one of them would show a romantic interest in me, I would immediately feel put off. Slow dancing at prom was a special kind of hell. It wasn't until I got to college and fully realized my crush on a girl I knew was more than a simple 'friend crush' as I'd made myself think before, that I let myself think that being in a relationship with a girl wasn't a bad thing. And though I feel like I can kind of admit it to myself, and have come out to two of my best friends, I can't help feeling weird about the whole thing. When I think about the situation I'm putting myself in, I want to take it all back and yell and play it off that I didn't really mean it - I was totally kidding. Haha. But I know I'm not. Is it normal to feel that way when you discover you're gay? To feel like it would be easier to continue acting like you're straight?
Yep! This is kind of me right now only I haven't told anyone. Just know you are not alone. Stay strong! <3
Yupp sometimes I too feel like going back to the past and resetting everything. The questions about my my sexuality have made me miserable at best. But stay strong
Totally normal, especially the disinterest in guys and those crushes that are lot more than just friends crushes.
I think for a lot of us growing up gay without realising/accepting it creates a discordance between your conscious experience of life and your subconscious experience. Trying to find out who you really are takes a lot of inward searching through that subconscious, to the point where bringing those thought out into the external/conscious/public spheres of our lives can create a weird feeling of disconnect. Saying "I'm gay" out loud feels like an out of body experience, but saying it to myself in my head feels like the most profound and all-encompassing statement imaginable. I'm hoping with greater self-acceptance, this divide will decrease until I can experience the same kind of unity everyone growing up straight does.
