Whattup people, Here it is. I have changed. I used to be the top dog with nothing to fear. Weed was my drug and I loved giving love to the women. I was aggressive, dominant and addicted to my first girlfriend. College came and I became fascinated with lucid dreaming, this lead to insight meditation and pursuing Male Multiple orgasms. Before I knew it I was practicing Key Sound orgasm, Kegels, and the prostate massage. This was distracting me from my second girlfriend and ultimately came between us. I had many incredible experiences with her which ranged anywhere from crazy rough sex to sharing parts of our essence together. We slowly became enmeshed with each other and I feared I was becoming a woman and gay while she feared she was becoming a man and slightly lesbian. It was as though we had shared too much of ourselves. My orgasmic process had become rewired by the prostate massaging which I did not share with her because of fear and this changed the way I looked at orgasm. Eventually I pushed her away because love was too real and I had to love all parts of myself and what even seemed like all parts of the human experience as a total. I couldn’t handle the responsibility and the sincerity that was required and I backed down eventually breaking apart from my love. Then I found myself in a crush with a good friend of mine, male, and could not handle the confusion. It was nothing like the image of a young man that I was and it was breaking apart my ability to be completely open and genuine with people in general. My intellect was suffering from a lack of emotional stability. It wasn’t the same kind of arousal. It was socially submissive, not masculine and did not seem to represent me in spirit. I ended up in almost two years of celibacy (no sex and no masturbation) which I thought would help but ultimately led to extremely altered states of consciousness with an unmatched intensity and an unparalleled hunger that further distanced me from most people around me. I wouldn’t express myself. I was bottled up and couldn’t figure out which way was north. I recently have gotten into a relationship with a woman and still have occasional fantasies about receptive anal pleasure although I don’t think I could ever trust a male with my body. I am trying to deal with male and female forces, procreative and receptive forces, and the general urges to fuck everything that comes near me. I am afraid that I will become consumed with my sexual urges and that if I ever experiment with a man I will be tainted and my energetic body would be broken beyond repair. If there were colors to my experience the man in me would be red and the female dream in me blue. There is so much anger and hate in me it rips my chest apart, contorts my face and finishes sentences for me. I am an animal lost in a game of pushing my seed. I just want to meet other people that have gone through similar experiences and constructive responses would be most appreciated. Holla back
Welcome to emptyclosets! I hope you find the support you are looking for. It sounds like you're experiencing some pretty complicated and confusing emotions right now. I'm not sure I've experienced exactly the same thing, but I've struggled with my gender and sexuality over the years, so perhaps some of what I've experienced and learned might help. I'll post more shortly. Hang in there.
Thanks for the response I appreciate the fact that you reached out. Hopefully I can find some more help from this website.
Hey there again - here is a more detailed response. From what you say, it sounds like you have discovered what you feel to be both masculine and feminine energies within you, and that this discovery is clashing with your self-image, causing you a lot of confusion and self-loathing. And now, after two years of self-imposed celibacy, a lot of extremely pent up sexual energy. Am I right?
When I was younger, I also realized that I have what could be called stereotypically feminine feelings and desires (including sometimes the desire to be penetrated). It confused the heck out of me. Through a lot of conversation and research, I came to several realizations that helped me to come to accept, understand, and assimilate my feelings. Perhaps they will be of use to you as well. 1) First, I came to understand that many (but not all) traits we tend to see as "masculine" or "feminine" are actually cultural constructs, and not intrinsically biologically related to sex. We know because scholars who have studied of gender expectations across differing cultures have found considerable variations from culture to culture in what are thought to be masculine or feminine traits. For example, farming and caring for young post-infant children (and character traits typically associated with these activities) can be either "women's work" or "men's work", depending on the culture (Wood and Eagly 2002). In another example, groundbreaking research by IBM scientist Geert Hofstede between 1967 to 1973 characterized the national cultures of 64 countries across the world by four independent dimensions (Power Distance, Individualism, Masculinity, and Uncertainty Avoidance), found considerable variation in the masculinity dimension, which reflected in part the degree of expected emotional and social role differentiation among the genders. In Nordic countries such as Sweden and Norway, it is acceptable for both women and men to cry and expected that they both be generally empathetic, while in Japan, it is almost never acceptable for men to cry, men are always expected to fight back, women are expected never to fight back, fathers are expected to deal exclusively with facts, and mothers are expected to deal exclusively with feelings. 2) Second, even when there is some sex-related biological basis for gender-related traits, there is typically considerable variation for those traits within individuals of those sexes (and across ethnicities). Take, for example, body hair, which is typically related to both testosterone levels and genetics. On average, men typically have more body hair than women, but some women definitely have more body hair than some men. For example, some Arab women - who tend to have significant amounts of body hair - have more body hair than some Finnish men, who tend to have very little body hair. And moreover, due to natural genetic variation, a few Finnish women will have more body hairy than a few Finnish men. But the hairy Arab and Finnish women are still biologically women, and the hairless Finnish men are still biologically men. Put simply, what we tend to view as intrinsically "masculine" or "feminine" traits are actually statistical tendencies, not absolute categories. And what that tells us is that we need not allow ourselves to be limited by strict conceptions of gender. We can be free to be who we are because our expression of gender is just another unique instance of the wonderful diversity inherent in the natural world. Both of these realizations freed me from the idea that feeling certain feelings and having certain desires somehow invalidated either my masculinity or my humanity. But another, even more profound realization came to me later, and I'll post more on that later. I hope this helps.
What a great response. I truly appreciate you spending your time responding and it's great to hear from someone who can relate. To say I had some pent-up sexual energy is quite an understatement. It was more like an internal raging fire and there was no water to be found. Culture can really chop people up and limit the range of our self-understanding. I respect those humans who have completely rejected culture and have gone their own way in self-expression and actualization. I do hope to truly embrace whatever forces are found within my psyche and I want to learn to have great kindness for whatever arises. A great quote by John Mayer is "Here is a line that you won't understand. I'm half of a boy but I'm twice the man." There are definitely people who have successfully integrated both the male and female within themselves and are better off for it.
PD, you seem to be completely open minded to possibilities. Your hesitant to try actual male on male penatrive sex if I am reading your posts right, but it would seem like the right thing to do is experiment with and see for yourself how it feels and how it makes you feel. You found the joys of prostate orgasms, but you might find the overall experience doing so with a man even that more intense and spiritually awakening. When I experienced my first anal orgasm with a guy, it was the most incredible sexual reaction I have ever experienced. And since then, I have never looked back!
Thanks for the response Highway I'll continue to remain open minded with my experience and do my best to adapt to the situation
