Today I went to my first LGBT youth group and it was a disaster. I told myself just to be calm and smile and be friendly and walked into the room where there were about ten people sitting around a table. The whole time they just sat around and laughed and talked about stupid topics like coming out stories. And I just couldn't get used to it, I couldn't get used to being around a bunch of people who flaunt their sexuality out in the open. For example, there was this 17 year old guy in the chair next to me wearing a tight t shirt, pink pants, and spoke in an extremely irritating gay voice. He was being such a faggot, and I use that word to its full meaning. Another time when the group were introducing themselves they asked everyone which pronouns they wished to be called by. They asked me: "Do you go by him or her"? I CLEARLY am a guy for christ sake and I was dressed very manly so I'm not sure why they'd think I'm transexual or anything. To which I replied: "No, I'm just gay". Then everyone burst out laughing and just explained to me that it's a sign of respect by asking for pronouns. My car ride back from the meeting I realized one thing about myself which is really what the point of my post is. I'm a huge internalized homophobe. I always feel hatred towards people who display the slightest amount of flamboyance. I view the coming out process as stupid because it means I'm depending on someone else's love to be happy. Why does everyone need to fucking know about my sexuality? It's not their business and frankly they'll be happier off if I don't tell them. I realized I have turned into such a cynical bitch. I don't have any friends, just hundreds of people who "know" me. I can't make friends with any of those people in the LGBT meeting, in fact I never plan on going back. The whole meeting I felt so uncomfortable (mind you, this was the first time I've ever been around gay people) and as soon as the meeting disbanded I jumped up and ran out of there. Then the leader of the group called me back in and made me sign a membership form to the group which included all these questions like: 1) Have you ever killed yourself because of your sexuality? 2) Are you sexually active? 3) Whats's your out status? I looked at the paper and rudely said to the leader "id rather not sign this". He told me they just keep it in their records. I really didn't want to fill out that form but I didn't want to make a scene so I just did and lied on most of the questions. Anyways, I know my writing is all over the place but I just had to vent out my feelings. Bottom line is, I'm never going back to LGBT meetings again, they were a freaking disaster.
Maybe attending meetings like that is exactly what you need to help. Being around others on the rainbow over a period of time was an important part that definitely helped me get comfortable with myself and diminish my own internalised homophobia. So much of IH is a result of how being LGBT has been perceived based on stereotypes, messages of hate, etc; that getting to know others, and realising they are all people just like you, go a long way towards dispelling those false messages. At the same time, becoming more comfortable with yourself, realising it's OK to be gay, your no less of a person for it, also helps reduce IH. I love being gay, And that recognition puts a massive dent in IH. Learn to love whom you are, embrace it. It's a long process and part of the journey. Try and keep an open mind. You might be surprised at what you find about yourself and others.
From what I've gathered, or the best I can interpret, I feel like you might find the stereotypical idea of Gays to be irritating. Am I right, if not, feel free to call me out. But. Keep in mind, everyone is different. Just like not all straight people get along, or not all African Americans get along, or not all kids from a certain school get along, naturally, not all those in the Qcommunity will get along. Truthfully, I find the "stereotypical" gays to be a bit annoying as well. (Though I try not to judge) but basically, keep an open mind. Ask yourself, would you befriend yourself, if, hypothetically you ran into someone like you? Maybe you wouldn't, in which case, you need to deal with... Oh I don't know, self esteem? Anyways. That's my input.
