I'm in high school at the moment, finishing school soon. Anyway I'm pretty sure I am a lesbian but I am not sure. My story is long and I need advice, I apologise in advance. I'm quite femme, I remember loving pink as a child, dressing up as a fairy or princess and wearing makeup and dresses. I never liked sports much, so no particular signs I was gay. When I was about 5 I had this family friend and I remember we used to always kiss (peck on the lips) my mum and hers didn't mind/thought it was seen as cute and best friend like. Moving on, At age 11 I had this best friend and we one day admitted to each other we were attracted to one another, we would always kiss in the school bathrooms and I was always jealous when anyone else tried being her friend etc. then I entered high school and never really thought deeply about any of this. I got caught up in what everyone else was doing, dressing to impress boys and the normal straight girl things to do as a early teen. I started kissing boys, nothing serious. However I always , always watched lesbian porn from a young age and considered it normal as that's just what I thought turned me on. Then in about year 8, I began liking this girl at school, she was the class clown, very loud and tomboyish and I was so confused because I had never properly liked a girl and really really thought I was straight. My feelings grew and I was so shy around her, eventually after about close to a year all feelings went away. The following year she came out as lesbian to everyone and I assumed as soon as I had met her she was gay. I totally forgot about this crush after as if I had no idea I was possibly gay. I began getting involved with boys, and started seeing this guy I lost my virginity too, I cried for days afterwards and never knew why. It just didn't feel right, I felt strange and used and somewhat dirty... Any who I saw him for months and continued having sex. There was no real emotional connection however I was invested in the relationship and when we ended things I cried for months... But once I got over it I was fine and disgusted by him and now I think why the fuck did I go there. So later on I ended up sleeping with more boys and this is when I developed STRONG feelings for another girl at school. To distract myself I slept with boys, and everybody thought/still thinks I am straight. I mean I go to parties and hook up with guys, as I said I'm femme so it's obviously a shock if I come out I guess!! Any who boys constantly asked me out, wanted to see me etc. I was and still am never bothered, I'd forget to reply to texts or make excuses and never commit to seeing any of them besides when it would be a sexual encounter at a party or friends house other than that I'd never go out of my way to see a guy These feelings for this girl are so strong and I cannot tell if she is gay or straight She has the same persona of the previous girl I liked So I'll explain her a little bit, she's sporty, very fit body, defined/toned legs and arms, really into fitness She sits legs wide open And walks like a guy as well, she's what you'd call flamboyant. However you could say she's quite if not very femme. I can't even explain it, I don't know if anyone has liked anyone similar it's like she's butch but she's femme, some days I feel I'm going crazy trying to figure her out. She's one of my really close friends might I add, but we weren't always close, I used to be so shy around her and only recently over the past year we've become really close, we have the same humour and so on. I feel as though she is in denial though and hiding deeply in the closet. She used to always and sometimes still does somehow bring up lesbians, e.g one time I'm holding my friends hand she goes "oooh lesbians?" Or once we were on an excursion and had to colour and decorate this sheet to express ourselves and I was drawing with a purple crayon and she picks up a green one and places it on my sheet and goes "here, the lesbian colours" extremely sarcastically. At a party we went too, we spent most of the night together and we were sitting down and she asked me very sarcastically) to be her girlfriend and I laughed because this is her personality, always an idiot and makes a joke out of things She kisses guys at parties, but I mean all our friends have had sex and what not and she hasn't, sometimes i feel as if she's pretending to be interested in guys and it's not natural it's fake She's also VERY touchy, but that's in her nature she's like that with everyone I've noticed but with me she jokingly holds my hand and really often holds my inner thigh in class for a couple of seconds but makes it out to be a joke of coarse and I just laugh it off. Sometimes when we stare at each other I hold the eye contact for long and it's like I feel as though we are waiting for the day we admit our feelings and she normally breaks the eye contact though Our friends always (unfortunately) make fun of lesbians and I sit there and sort of laugh along or stay quiet but she will add homophobic remarks I feel like I'm the only one who can see it, maybe it's because I really like her or maybe it's because my star sign is a complete over thinker and is known for seeing things differently to others but no one suspects I mean of our friends that she's gay, probably because they are straight She was going out with this guy for not long at at all at one stage and my straight friend and I were talking one night about the relationship and she goes "she doesn't even really like him, she says so herself and I feel bad for him because he really likes her, I'm pretty sure it's because he's not that good looking" and when I heard that I thought to myself or maybe it's because she can't find an emotional connection with a guy? I make out I am completely straight to everyone, so I don't know if im throwing her off but I feel she can somehow tell I like her I don't know it's weird So the other night we were at this guys 18th party, and I was saying to one of my friends "oh my god that guy is so hot", I don't know why I do or say these things I just hide how I feel and like to make out I'm straight because my friends are extremely girly and what not, anyway she walks over and sort of looked at me weirdly and I said "oh shut up you don't know who I was talking about" and she seemed sort of pissed and said yeah I do She's always around the boys too, I walked over to an area at one stage and she's sitting talking to about 10 of them That night I ended up having sex with this guy, and she knows i did I mean I can somewhat enjoy sex but I haven't yet had an emotional connection with a guy With girls it's been since age 11 I've ever kissed one or been intimate and it's all I crave... To hold and kiss a girl and have sex with one But I can't read this girl!! What if she is just really touchy and flirty with everyone and sporty/outgoing and I'm reading everything too deeply?? Im WAY to scared to bring anything up as she is hardly serious anyway ever, she's just a joker and sees everything as fun. Another thing was at another party once I was kind of drunk sitting down on a chair and she comes over and sits on my lap with her legs wrapped around me and one of our friends go "kiss! Kiss kiss!" As a joke and she instantly bolted up I always bring up things I do with guys in front of her and then she tries to as well We just have a lot of fun together though and get along really well I don't know if it's friendly normal stuff and if I'm crazy When we're out sometimes at parties too mostly when it's just us two or a few friends she pulls her top down and shows me her boobs in a joking manner, and I can't tell if all these things she does is her being silly because that's her personality or whether she's trying to hint/flirt with me I feel crazy, all I do is think about her. It's been 2 years I've liked this girl, I've tried seeing guys and I always go back to her. Please give me advice or tell me what you think? Do you think she is gay or likes me? Do you have a similar experience with a closeted lesbian who's in denial? What would you suggest I do? Also I am not labelling myself as lesbian until I experiment properly, I've only been with boys and I'm young so I don't know if maybe I can get emotionally invested with one, I'm just scared that's all I try to trust my instincts and vibes and I normally have a really good gaydar but with her it's difficult She has all the signs but I constantly feel like I am insane and I can't tell whether she flirts with me or not or that's just her personality Am I crazy??
Girl, I feel you 100%. I've been trying to shove my sexuality down since I was around 11-13. I'm sorry you have to go through with all of that bullshit trying to hide who you really are. You remind me of myself so much. I'm also a high school senior and I have the total "straight girl" vibe. Also, my gaydar is beeping so hard. That girl totally is some what attracted to girls. The way you describe her tendencies and bond with her, I think you should have a serious conversation with her. I'd break out the vodka and have fun a little when discussing your feelings. I'm kidding about the vodka haha, but tell her how you feel and maybe, or for sure, she has the same feelings for you. Wish you the best xx
Thanks so much it's cool knowing people like you can relate to me and what I'm going through! I'm working on trying to develop more in the friendship emotionally and stop joking around, I'll see how I go but some days I think yeah she's 100% into me and girls and then other days I'm like shit I'm crazy and just reading way to deeply!!
Ummm... If even half of the stuff you describe is true, your friend is definitely interested in you, but also conflicted about it, and trying to hide it with sarcasm and homophobic comments. I'd suggest trying to hang out alone together, and see if you can't have a serious conversation about your feelings. She might also be scared that your not into her, because you present as straight femme (although I think she's unto you) so perhaps you may need to give her a clear sign that you'd be open to her. On the other hand, she's also so used the hiding behind sarcasm that she might not be able to have a direct conversation - so another approach, when your alone together, is to just try kissing her and see what happens. If she pulls away instantly and is weirded out, you can always play it off by saying "Sorry, I've always been curious what kissing a girl is like." Like innocent fun. But if she kisses back - even if she later pulls away and freaks out a bit about not wanting to be gay - then you'll know she's interested, and she will know that your interested. So long as you stop right away if she pulls away, there's nothing wrong with going in for a little kiss. Also, there is a name for being both kinda butch and femme at the same time: Its called soft butch or sometimes baby butch. Its a thing. And, by the way, I also want to reassure you that its totally okay to be a femme lesbian. Their is no rule that says you have to be butch - or any particular gender presentation - to be a lesbian. Each lesbian has her own unique gender presentation. Its all good. Good luck.
I noticed you seem to associate being masculine and being lesbian a lot. I wouldn't see that as such a big criteria for being gay. Of course, there are lesbians who are pretty masculine or even feel genderqueer, but there are girls who are perfectly fine with their body but still feel attracted to the other sex. That's fine, so don't see your femininity as an argument for being straight or this other girls masculinity as an argument for being gay. Anyway, I think the girl you describe sounds pretty gay. Many homosexuals in denial have homophobic tendencies. That's a fact, even if it sounds weird. Maby you should try to help this girl overcome these prejudices. In this way, she might uncloset, or if she's not gay, at least not react to badly if you should eventually come out. I guess my advice is not too effective. I find advices above about just going for it really tempting, but I know most people just don't have the guts to do things like that. I haven't. I wish you the best.
