I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship exp

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Yea I'm there, not from lack of experience. Ive never had relationships with women but have been with women sexually but because I've only he'd relationships with men. Married to a man. Ive always had this internal conversation about, i cant be gay, ive only been with men, or i cant be gay cause im married. I can be bisexual, but cant say that cause im outwardly hetero living. Its been 5+yrs of this battle going on, sincethe first time i even dare write anything publicly about my questioning. I locked it away then, cant seem to now.

But im there. I feel like with being in a hetero relationship, my only long term relationship at that. Coming out as a lesbian will not be taken well or people will think im fake? Idk.but i know what you are feeling and it just adds tothe confusion of all this!

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

You're totally allowed to call yourself bi or lesbian, although I do see where you're coming from. I've only been in a serious relationship with a guy before, I've kissed a girl, haven't dated one yet. But that's because the girls that I've liked have been straight (or because I was in that other relationship) -__- But I know that's where my preference is. I would loooove to have a girlfriend. I think you can definitely know without dating someone first. You know you get butterflies and feel attraction and get crushes. Sometimes it can just take a while to accept a new label, or adjusting that part of your identity because straight is safe and what you know, even though it's not accurate.

There's no rules to being bi or gay, it's just who you're attracted to. You're completely valid (*hug*)

There are others here who have realised that they're bi or gay later on when they've been married too... It might be good checking out the 'LGBT later in life' forum and getting in touch with some people for support there :icon_bigg

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Teatree is an active part of the latet in life forum

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Legitimacy doesn't come with experience, TeaTree. What you're feeling isn't uncommon, but it's... incorrect. A lot of people come out with no experience whatsoever -- having never dated either gender. A lot of people come out after long-term relationships with the opposite gender. Realizing who you are a bit later than others doesn't mean you're wrong now, it means you were wrong before. If you're only into women, you are a lesbian.

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Ahhh, sorry!!

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Straight people know they are straight despite not having any relationship experience...why should it be any different for whatever variation of gay we are? Don't deny yourself who you know you are. We've done that quite long enough.(&&&)

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Wow perfectly said. I there too. I feel I am Hetero by default, based on my behavior and who I am married to.

We are old enough to be who we are without apologies. Not without confusion, but without apologies and or explanations to others of why we now feel we are bi or gay. It is who we are, who we have always been but Bc of so many things (differs for everyone), we ignored it, stifled it, kept it locked away.

As has been said straight people don't know they are straight by dating the opposite sex...we don't have to know we are not straight, whatever form that takes, by dating the same sex. I never have dated a woman, am married to a man, and def know I not straight and to be honest I knew this before I ever met my husband. Maybe the point now in our life is that it's not a matter of "knowing" it's a matter of allowing to be.

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Can every other teenager not call themselves straight because they've not been in a relationship with the opposite sex? No. Sexuality is what you are attracted to, not your relationship experience.

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Ha! Great comment!

Hon, you are lesbian if you feel you are a lesbian. You are not a fake, and you certainly don't need anyone else's permission. So you came to your truth a little bit later in life...so what? Nothing wrong with that. I had ten plus years of marriage before I figured it out. It happens.

And the "experience" part? That'll come. :icon_wink

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Dude, cut yourself some slack! Jeez!

I am SUPER attracted to women even though I've only kissed one girl 20 years ago. I just know it, and I know you know what you are, too.

If anyone tells you differently, fuck 'em.

(Actually, if they are gay that is not a bad plan. You can be like oh god, you're right! I guess you have to sleep with me now! )

I kid, I kid...

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Yeah TeaTree I can definitely relate. As I identify as bisexual with virtually zero same sex sexual contact it is constantly causing me to question myself. I also worry that I'm gay but that some secret switch hasn't been flipped in my head because of this lack of experience. But, when I go through my day I find myself attracted to men and women. This is ultimately what I base my sexual identity on. Still always tough to feel confident about it though.

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

Exactly.
When you know it, you just...know it deep inside. Like straight people know they're straight you can know that you like girls.

I always knew that I like girls - even without any experience - and I never questioned my interest for girls. I only questioned if I'm bi or lesbian.

You don't need any evidence or experience to call yourself a lesbian.
Some people discover their sexuality earlier and some later, that's totally fine.

 

Re: I feel like "I'm not allowed" to call myself a lesbian because of no relationship

I SO relate to this. I know it's not PC to refer to bisexuality as a "phase" but clearly it IS a _transition label_ in many (not all!) cases. Plus, if sexuality is fluid, any one temporal sample could be a "phase" in many senses of the word.

So I think it's natural a) to suspect a self-labeled bi person MIGHT change in the future and b) to think that of ONESELF, especially if you don't have much experience or are newly awakened.*

But here I am, day in and day out, just wanting to sleep with everyone lol. I guess I just have to go with that for now.

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*There's a huge difference between being aware of this aspect of bisexual labels and being an asshole about it, of course. No one should be made to feel invalid.