So I'm a 23 year old virgin, and all my life I thought I was straight even though the evidence that I'm attracted To men was always their but I ignored it. I've always Believed I was heterosexual I've even had feelings for Women and thought I wanted to be with them sexually But whenever the opportunity arose I would be paralyzed By fear I hated myself for it everytime. But I never allowed Myself to believe it was anything but my own insecurities. The one and only time I have attempted to have sex with Anyone was with a girl when I was 15 and I couldn't get An erection. This doesn't mean that I dint want to have sex It was on my mind all the time but I could never push myself To even ask a girl out I,ve pretty much had nothing but crushes Since I was 15. In more recent years allot of memories have started surfacing About having crushes on other boys when I was pretty young and a few fairly homo Erotic experiences but until a few months ago I just pushed these memories away. Even though I've been watching gay porn for a long time I always felt so much self hatred After I always thought that it didn't mean anything because it was just porn. About a month ago another memory surfaced from when I was about 12 me and my best friend at the time Masturbated together this didn't seem strange to me at the time and we never spoke about It. I've never really considered the fact I might be gay until now I don't notice men in the streets unless force myself too but i catch myself staring at women but when I'm masturbating I can now only think of men it has pushed all other thoughts out of My head and I'm just feeling so lost I don't know if I'm gay and repressing it or not. Anyway I think that's enough for now thank you so much for reading. Ps sorry for rambling a bit
I always enjoy the odd ramble. It's not your brain you have to worry about; it's your mind. Your brain is the one that is wired to find guys hot. It is the very reason you are gay. And that's ok. It's that crazy mind, which spins stories based on all kinds of things, from childhood messages to societal norms to parental admonitions...all kinds of sources. And it vomits out story after story after story. About how you're not gay. About how you *can't* be gay. About how you can't *afford* to be gay. How it would ruin your life if you were gay. But they are just stories. Your mind doesn't know or care whether you're gay...it just throws out shit, because that's what a mind does. Tell it to shut up (or better, just ignore it), and instead, pay attention to your brain, your body. Give yourself permission to be gay. That's not the same as "decide you are gay". Just give yourself permission. Debunk the mind's stupid stories. You might be gay. Could be, right? And it would not ruin your life...it could just make your life wonderful. Look at guys through *that* lens for a bit...if you're straight, it'll leave you cold, so no harm done. But if you're gay...who knows? It could be just what you need.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, the part you said about letting myself be gay makes so much sense too me and I'm trying to let myself just be but I feel like I'm forcing it if that makes any sense I feel like if I am gay it shouldn't be this complicated to know shouldn't it just feel natural?
Rainbowrunner, For some people, it feels natural, but many other people find they have to go through a process of working through their feelings of internalized homophobia and worries about what other people will think and so forth. In any kind of process of self discovery and growth, there will always be some work involved. Not "pushing things up hill" kind of work, but "getting over the hump, so the ball can roll freely" kind of work. It's also possible that you might be bisexual or pansexual - which can also sometimes for some people account for the "forced" feeling when one tries on a gay identity. I know it did for me. But even if you are bisexual, you will still need to give yourself permission to be attracted to and fantasize about and have sex with and have relationships with men. Good luck. ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2015 at 09:26 PM ---------- Also, on a practical level, one way to work on giving yourself permission to be attracted to whoever you are attracted to is to work on loving those parts of yourself and your history that were involved with same-sex attractions or fantasies. For example, you can try this simple visualization/mediation exercise: First, think about someone in your life who is easy to love. It could be your mom, or your niece, or your dog. Whoever. Feel that love you feel for that person or pet for a bit. Next, visualize yourself when you were younger and were first starting to watch gay porn regularly. Now, try to feel that same love your felt for that close person in your life for your younger self. Say to yourself, "It's okay to enjoy watching gay porn. I love you." And then feel that love for your younger self. It may be a little difficult at first, but with a little practice, you can usually get the hang of it. And if you keep practicing this, the self hatred and shame will diminish with time. Good luck
Thanks everyone who posted here your words have helped me nor than I thought possible and I have made progress I think
So do I! Original Poster: just be yourself, just take it easy, do not let any strange thought influence you, don't do what I did for years. If you are gay, there is nothing wrong with it! I used to look out for what I perceived ot be the ugliest guys on earth, then imagine myself doing stuff with them in order to feel repulsed and "prove" to myself I was not attracted to men!!!! Crazy what your mind will do to you! BiAnnika: wonderful post, thanks!
