Help! I'm 20 and confused

Hi guys ,
It's a long story but I'll try to summarise it in short .
I'm 20 this year , and I've asked myself many times , perhaps I might be gay or I'm just a straight guy seeking love from men in a non sexual way.
Other than being confused , I have a past that I do not share it , even with my closest friends as I find it rather humiliating and they might simply believe that I'm saying it for attention.

I'm a victim of sexual abuse , at a young age I've been sexually abused by my own father , yes by sexual abuse I mean having his penis inside me when I was around 4-5 , and for as many times as I could remember , I also had to swallow his spit and give him a blowjob. ( I know this is gross and disgusting).Not only that but he very often physically abuses me by having the fridge locked with chains , I had to survive with tap water and newspapers.
Whipped with his belt and having salt rubbed on my wounds .
As for his attempts to kill me , it would be having myself drowned and rescued by someone else , it really made me extremely scared considering it all happened around 4-10 years old .
I also remember him pointing a real gun at me where my mom sat next to me and just watched.

As a teenager , I've always loved girls and want a women's love , but I can't help to notice other men and their bulges , it has always fascinated me in some way that I couldn't resist , but I myself would know that it's simply wrong to be gay ( sorry I'm just being honest to you guys ) especially the fact that I've been abused both sexually and physically by my dad. It disgusts me to a whole new level , I could jack off to gay porn and feel all excited about it , but as soon as I cum , a very bad feeling passes through all over my body and I'm not sure if that's normal . I very often question myself , am I gay ? Bi ? Or straight ? . I couldn't be straight and jack off to gay porn , that's not possible ! . I cannot be gay if I like women and want to be loved in some way by them . I couldn't be bisexual because , a vagina is not as fascinating as a dick to me .

Right now , I'm in college and I have guy friends that are pretty close to me , he touches my hand and acts all close and friendly to me , I can't help but have feelings for him because I feel loved , but I want advices and opinions. If I am gay because of my experiences , I will choose to stay away from him because it would mean that I'm obly interested because I want to experience what I've experienced in the past ( im sorry I just couldn't find a better way to explain this , and English is not my first language )plus I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings .
However , if it's because I'm truly in love regardless of my past I would definitely tell him how much I love him and it makes me feel warmth that he cares for me and everything that he has done ( which I haven't mentioned much here ) for me meant so much to me .
As for my life at the moment , my parents have left me and I am all alone and on my own financially so , comming out to them wouldn't be an issue anymore ( I consider that a good thing)