Why do I do it?

I am a woman mainly attracted to men. Although I cannot say, if I was given an opportunity of having sex with a women, if I would refuse it. I think, I would try it. In my fantasies I have always been a man having sex with a woman. Its always been that way, ever since I remember. Until recently, as something changed. To my great suprise I started watching gay oriented movies and gay porn. I do not watch porn in general. I find hetero porn not interesting on the edge of being repulsive. In my opinion its downgrading to women. Lesbian porn doesnt turn me on either. I found out, I absolutely adore to watch men relationships. That includes them having great time as buddies, kissing, cuddling and having sex. I find the sex scenes very arousing, much more than porn. Where I am in this all? I imagine myself being one of those guys. In life, I am in relationship with a man. My fantasies never bothered me too much. I just thought to myself: " Oh, well, I have fantasies about being a man with a woman. Its still hetero, so its fine." Why am I so interested in men to men relationships. And now it bugs me, why am I always a man in all those dreams all my life? I do not have a clue why. I found this website very informative and helpful. I do not want to appear as some weird woman who doesnt know what she wants. I am awfully sorry, if that sounds like it. I just need some answers and feedback from you guys on this website. You might have come across something similar in your experience.

 

I forgot to mention in my above post, I had a crush on a woman few years ago. I even went through the effort and befriended her. I wouldnt normally do that, as I am quite introvert. She used to come to the place I worked for some advice. I really liked, meaning fancied her and thought she might be lesbian. But after a while, it turned out she wasn't. At least that's what I assumed. I lost contact with her. She moved out of town. Few times I even considered attempts to meet a woman from this group, but my town is small. I didn't even know where and how to start. So I burried it for another few years. And that's where I am. Don't know if it matters, I have an identical twin sister. We have been close emotionally whole our lives. She has the same fantasies as I do. We create our own worlds between ourselves in the form of RPG. Its more of a theater of improvisation. Talking only. Nothing else. I do prefer to be the male characters, although we share them. We have homo and hetero relationships in that RPGs. Its easy to do it with her, as we know each other better than anybody else ever would. She is my whole world and I am hers. Nobody else knows about it. I would be absolutely ashamed to share it with anyone.

---------- Post added 15th Oct 2015 at 10:35 PM ----------

My questions are, why do we do all those things? Is it normal behaviour?

 

Hi there,
I am so grateful for your response. I actually had to read it twice to gather what you meant. It makes perfect sense to me: -). I googled genderqueer. It seems to be an umbrella term for different kinds: bigender, teigender, pangender, gender free. Personally, I do not think any label is needed to be stuck on people to identify their gender or sexual preference, but human beings as we all are, like to categorise things around us. So let it be. As to my gender identity, I still think its male, as to sexual orientation, its both. But what's the most important to me is the assertion of my behaviour being not wrong. It gives me peace of mind. Once again, thank you for your helpful post. What I decide to do with my gender is perhaps a matter for the future. I know, I need to understand myself better.

 

QBear and CapColors thank you both for your replies. I am really glad to come across this website. Its all very new to me. I feel a bit like shame and burying myself in the sand whenever I log in here to see responses. I always kind of lived in my fantasy worlds rather than real, being a lot happier there than in real one. A bit sad, true. I felt very uncomfortable with my fantasies, regarding them as wrong, something I can never reveal to anybody, except my twin sister. In fact, when we were a lot younger (highschool), she used to dress as a man. I never had the courage. As to relations in reality, I have never slept with a woman, but I do know I did have this serious crush on one mentioned above. Otherwise, I can only tell by looking at women or men. I do like very feminine women, as to men - to look and act feminine. I am not attracted to masculine men at all.
Starting to watch m/m romance movies was like a breaking point that something is not quite right with me. If only the world could be understanding and acceptive of all these differences and variations from what's perceived " normal", it would certainly be a better world. Thanks to this website, you people, and addressing the issue, I can feel a bit better about myself.