Posted in the wrong forum my bad Lately I've been having a weird time, a few months ago a friend of mine came out as gay, when he told me why he felt he was gay I noticed striking similarities between his situation and mine. To clarify, I didn't identify with him saying "I'm attracted to my own gender" I identified with him, saying that never had crushes on girls unless they were celebrities, he went with girls because he felt he had to, he looked at guys a lot and always told himself it was because he liked their bodies. He had really close friendships with men and didn't like when they dated other. Now, while I've experienced those things I never considered for a moment that they made me gay or that were construed in a desire for women. I never had an attraction to either gender until well into collage, in fact I hated the idea of dating altogether, regardless of gender. I just found friendships more rewarding and had no sex drive. I liked celebrities because I found no one in my school attractive or engaging. And was nervous interacting with guys romantically because I was 18 and never dated and feared if I had sex or kissed a guy I would do I wrong and be laughed at. (I also went to an art institute and majored in gaming, everyone attractive and fun to be around was married, everyone else fulfilled every stereotype you can think of, really just not a healthy dating pool) I forced myself to go with guys not because I felt an attraction towards girls, but to cover up a lack of attraction to anything. In truth I didn't want to date anyone, I didn't have special feelings toward anyone. But I felt that was weird being 18 I looked at girls because I hated my body and literally every time I looked at girls I thought "that girls ass is fabulous i wish mine looked like that" And I had strong friendships with women because I was rejected all the time as child for friends and was scared of losing them. I also just felt weak and dissatisfied with my self, things were bad at home, my grades were terrible I had nothing to be proud of so I idolized girls I wanted to be like. But ever since that day my friend came out to me, I have this feeling that I am gay, but its weird, because It's like my brain is telling me I'm gay but I simultaneously don't feel I am. And the feelings of being gay don't bring a sense of realization or clarity they bring a sense of panic, I mean severe debilitating panic attacks where I can't breath and it feels like I'm dying. At one point it got so severe I ended cutting my self to relieve the anxiety. I had to stop watching orange is the new black, and basically any show with homosexuality because seeing all the lesbians on that show gave me panic attacks, I now cross the street when i see a girl because if i see her I think "oh thats a nice skirt, wait am I looking at her skirt or her butt, oh god i must have looked at the skirt so i could see her butt!!!!!" and then a panic attack ensues. So I can't walk down the street enjoy tv shows or talk to a girl without getting really anxious. And see, when I fantasize sexually by choice it's with men, and I always enjoyed it. When I imagined a relationship it was with men, marriage and a family? Always a guy in the picture, and every time I had those thoughts it felt good and right. I never met a girl and thought I'd like to kiss or touch or date her. In fact I'm more comfertable around girls because I always had the thought "you don't sleep with women, so there is no romantic expectation by talking with them, you don't have to worry if your making a fool out of yourself or saying the wrong thing and ruining a potential romance." But these homosexual thoughts creep in now during those times and it doesn't make me happy or feel good, it starts a panic attack or makes me feel sick in my stomach. When I think about the possibility of being gay I think, "oh god, I have to be with a woman I can't flirt with the guy on the street, I can't imagine myself in the strong but tender arms of Norman Reedus, I have to imagine, like, Jennifer Lawrence or something now." And the thing is. I don't have a problem with homosexuals, I hope I haven't offended people with my adversion to it, because I don't think there is anything wrong with who you love unless it's a kid or an animal. I've always thought of homosexuality as, "that's nice, none for me thanks", and I was raised by a very liberal family, they always preached openness and tolerance to all people regardless of race, gender, or sexuality. I have absolutely no fear that if I was gay my family do anything but welcome me with open arms and love and support. I live in a very liberal city and feel no fear that if I was walking down the street with a girl or something that I would get harassed. So I don't know what this is, I've looked on anxiety forums but thought i would get the thoughts of the community here. Honestly it's caused me a lot of stress like 24hour panic attack stress. I really don't know what this is, I just want my life to go back to the way it was when I was happy. Sorry for the long note! And one more thing. My friends only fear of being gay was because he is from kansas and feared losing his family, who are very outspoken against homosexuals
