Hello, I've been questioning my sexuality now pretty obsessively over the last few years and it's gotten to the point where I can hardly ever think of anything else. A part of me hates myself and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day for really no reason, I hate my job, I have friends but I'm not really close to anyone of them it's almost as if I put up a fake facade and they like the artificial version of me. I do things my parents expect from me without really knowing why. I suppose the suspicions over my sexuality came from when I was in high school, I mostly stayed to myself and hardly ever developed any feelings for anyone except for the random girl here and there. That is until I realized I was falling in love with my best friend I had a pretty big crush on him and he's been the only male since then I've really felt any deep feelings for and it's been at-least six years since I graduated. I've always been a pretty introverted and depressed person since I was a kid, my brother died tragically when I was 12 so I've always had the looming thoughts of death and suicide and this confusion over sexuality has only made it worse. I've never really been in any real relationship with either sex but never really felt any need to be. I've only ever been known to have myself but when I was around my old best friend I felt this urgency to be around him it wasn't sexual but I picture hugging, hand holding and maybe even kissing him a little. With women I get aroused and have sexual thoughts of them but again nothing really serious. I have a pretty big obsession with pornography of every type trans/women/male etc. but the porn usually tends to be on the femdom/BDSM side and it's actually pretty disturbing at times. I feel this fuels my dark thoughts more than usual but it's like a fix I'm always looking for. One last thing I've been having some gender confusion, I like being a male and have no desire to be the opposite sex but I've always like dressing androgynous and expressing myself in an androgynous manner but now I just feel guilty for doing this. Life's tough, it honestly is
