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Constant state of confusion about my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Paradoxic, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Paradoxic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Queensland
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    And I need fresh opinions. :bang:

    Ok so here's the background:
    I am female and was lucky enough to be born that way physically as well as emotionally/mentally.

    I was raised in a conservative, religious family with parents that are anti the 'gay lifestyle'.

    I deferred from the religious path about 3 and a half years ago, just a short while after my best female friend managed to coax me out of my denial about my curiosity towards girls and get me to feel like it was ok to explore that path, although that is not the reason I went agnostic.

    I didn't know what questioning or bicurious were at the time, so when I came out of the closet I came out as bisexual. And since I firmly believed in a lifestyle where I should be unapologetically myself, when I came out I just kicked that door right in and told everyone, all at once. My religious, conservative parents, who didn't stop loving me, made me feel ashamed of it and like shit about it. To this day, my mum tries to convince me that I'm straight whenever the subject is brought up and that I'm just imagining it, while my dad refuses to discuss it point blank.

    Bisexual was a label that used to feel to fit it. It used to seem clearer. But I've questioned myself again and again and probably have gotten lost along the way all because I want to be sure about it and make sure that I'm not just doing this for attention. (I used to be a big attention seeker in my teenage years, I am now 25.)

    My sex drive is irregular. It comes and goes. Sometimes I think of guys in that way, sometimes I think of girls in that way. I've checked out guys and I've checked out girls on the street too. Sometimes I prefer either one over the other. Sometimes I don't prefer anyone sexually at all. I've got about 3 crushes on girls at the moment, and one on a guy. Funny enough the girls are all straight and the guy is gay, so lol, figures. But other times in my life I've liked only guys or mostly girls. And right now I've got myself half convinced that I'm just imagining those crushes on those girls at the moment.

    On (attempts at) romantic endevours, I've had 4 boyfriends, 2 of which I didn't really care about in that sense. I've also had two girls I've been deeply interested in, both of which never got to happen, both of which were best friends at some point. One of which was that best friend I was talking about earlier who helped me come out, we spent time together, flirted, kissed, I got butterflies when we kissed, and I even grew to love love her. But it fell through because she preferred someone else. Actually, the way things went down with my jealousy (it was the first time I felt that way) and her missing the details of how I felt, it ended up in a arguement in which she rejected me so badly I mentally and emotionally sealed out how it felt to love her like that. Which is another reason why, after all that, I'm confused. I can't remember what it felt like to love her. I remember feeling jealous though. I love her now, but as a sister/friend type of relationship.

    The other girl I admired for years at highschool, and I even told her once, not realising how un-straight this sounded, that if the religion thing wasn't an issue I think we'd make a great couple. She was also religious, and when I came out as bisexual and agnostic, I never really got over the look she gave me across the hall at my brother's graduation, how ashamed it made me feel, or that that look came from her. Tbh, I still haven't gotten over her.

    Typing this out you'd think I'd answer my own fears, but nope. I'm still afraid that I'm making all this shit up in some kinda freaky attempt to feel special. I'm not sure who I'm attracted to fully anymore. It's all a blur. Your opinions might help.

    Thankyou.

    P.S. I have loved two boys before too.