I know for some people, being gay feels like an obvious, absolute thing. No interest in opposite sex, overwhelming interest in the same sex. Simple. But sometimes it really feels like more of a relative thing. People have straight relationships, get married, and realise later on it just isn't them. With these situations, people always say that something was missing - and what's interesting me is how variable this missing thing is. While some of us fall in love with people of the opposite sex but could never muster any desire or interest in them sexually, others have perfectly good, even great sex with their o/s partners, yet can't develop any deep feelings for them. I guess this is where divisions like "homoromantic bisexual" or "biromantic homosexual" emerge, yet these labels usually offer up the same general conclusion. For people who feel like they "round up" to gay, having had experiences with the opposite sex in the past, what was missing for you? What more do you feel like you've gained by identifying as gay/queer?
I identify as part of the homoflexible, Kinsey 5 set and the label homoromantic bisexual captures my sexuality in a way that Kinsey 5 alone does not. I round up to gay to keep it simple I've been in a heterosexual marriage for many years. Heterosexual sex has been enjoyable for me, which made it possible for me to suppress my gay feelings for so many years. While many men in my situation of being in a heterosexual marriage report their wife is their best friend, this is not the case for me. In retrospect true romantic feelings and emotional intimacy for my wife were not there. It's not entirely clear if this was a poor choice of an opposite-sex partner or because I'm homoromantic; however, this is the answer to the question what was missing for me.
Romantic feelings and true sexual attraction. I could have sex with a guy but it was "means to an end" I.e orgasm. Even with my ex hubby. With women it's more intimate and more about the process than the end result.
It's interesting to see both of you found the sexual part of heterosexual relationships satisfying (to a degree) but other things incomplete. I've gone through kind of the same thing. Once I found I could in fact fantasize about guys, I immediately took this as evidence that I wasn't totally gay, even though I still couldn't truly imagine myself in a relationship with one or experience genuine sexual or romantic attraction towards them. The trouble is I immersed myself so much in these fantasies (particularly with one guy) that I still feel a physical/sexual pull towards them which feels real and unavoidable but at the same time completely insignificant compared to the sexual attraction I very occasionally feel towards certain women. All of this is confusing because it's very contrary to the stories you read about closeted gay people in the media, whose realisations seem to almost always stem from a lack of desire for sex during their relationship. I'm also interested to see where/how people draw the line between genuine fluidity in their orientation and the effects of heteronormativity/internalised homophobia. I still feel like with me any discrepancies are more down to the latter than the former, but it's still difficult to completely draw a line under them.
Interesting thread! I'm feeling a sense of deja vu, because Dr. Lisa Diamond noted this variability in what was missing in cross orientation relationships in a paper back in the early 2000s, called "what does sexual orientation orient?" It led her to hypothesize that romantic and sexual attraction may be separate things. Keep discussing and asking good questions!
I came out because I could not meet my homoromantic needs in the closet. I want more than to scratch the itch through sexual encounters with guys. I want a BF/partner and all that comes with it and that's very hard to pull off in the closet. While there was fluidity in my accepted orientation straight -> bisexual -> gay, the fluidity was around my acceptance of and not my orientation itself, viz., the heteronormativity/internalised homophobia factors melted over time leaving only my true self and orientation.
