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Denial and shame - Part 2

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mrbuddha123, Oct 18, 2015.

  1. mrbuddha123

    mrbuddha123 Guest

    Hi there, before I start, I would just like to give you a bit of background. A month ago I made a similar post on EC in regards to my homosexuality, and how I've pretty much repressed my feelings for the same sex ever since a young age ('http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/191328-denial-shame.html'). As a result, I gained great advice, read a lot of informative posts and talked to like-minded people on EC, and this all seemed to help me make progress on accepting myself and temporarily, I felt quite content with the idea of being gay, but then it all kinda went downhill when I deleted my account on here and decided that I no longer needed it.

    Removing EC from my life pretty much sent me into a new phase of self-loathing and denial. It unwound all the effort I had made to come to terms with being gay. But it's the fact that one day I can 'accept' I'm gay and the next day I hate myself for it, which has driven me to seek help on EC... yet again. I still feel terribly ashamed of who I am. At times it makes me feel depressed and suicidal because I think things like 'What if I'm not really gay?' and 'I shouldn't be gay!'. Other times it's more along the lines of 'What will my friends or family think?', etc.

    I think that last one is the worst tbh, because it's the possibility of being shunned by the people I love the most which makes me consider disappearing from this world, and by 'disappear' I mean suicide. Deep down I would never bring myself to do it (I hope), but my emotions have been so up and down recently, I honestly can't say it won't happen one day :help: I hate to sound so depressing but these thoughts cross my mind frequently and they drive me crazy. On the outside I act happy, calm and optimistic. On the inside I'm the complete opposite. No one knows how I really feel and it's this constant facade of being a happy straight guy which wears me down and forces me into an even deeper abyss of denial and shame. I wanna start fixing this mess, but I really need some help getting on my feet first.

    I would really appreciate any advice anyone could offer that could point me in the right direction :slight_smile:

    Thanks,

    mrbuddha123 (&&&)