Hello people, I have 25 years old and I'm a boy. Sine my teens years I found out that I started to be attracted to boys and tried to hide it...I understood right away that I wasn't straight anymore I found out this by falling in love with my friend and also gay porn which was disgusting at first and after that it just became my main soure of express my sexuality needs. One day I was with that friend alone and I felt excited when we talked about sex but the fear of doing it with him made me block and feel nothing a few moments later in that day I was 15 that time The years went by and I found no interest in any girl at all only being friends of them no arousal at all although I could get off with straight content but if I girl asked me to date her I would become right away excited but nothing more than that I could never do anything with a girl it didn't push me into it... And then, once again as the years went by I lost interest in the straight world and it was so cloying and annoying that I became so tired of the straight ditactorship to the point of feeling unconfortable close to my straight friends dating girls... So I just shut off and ignored it and in some cases just walked away from them... So more years passed by and I was 19yrs,being so sure that I was gay more and more although some times I could lose a bit of arousal for gay content but seeing straight content I only looked to the male and that aroused me and made me recover the attraction I feel for males. A few years ago, on my 22 yrs old, I had the first boyfriend... when he kissed, which was weird and it felt not so much my body became so hard it felt like I had been hit by a truck mixed with some good feelings and a great turn on I was very excited with that, but I couldn't also do sex with him because when the H hour arrived I became so nervous that I lost excitement and this relationship went wrong and also the boy was inexperient also it didn't help but it created me some frustrations and doubts, although I continued to feel gay and girls zero only friends 3 years ago I accidentaly saw some lesbian porn and I panicked and the panic made me aroused with that and a strange feeling in the belly very unconfortable like I wanted it but it felt so wrong and so bad like someone was stabbing me a knife but that arousal only lasts a few moments I could never get of with it but then I become obcessed with the fear of being straight and I went to 2 psychiatrists because I got panic for all women to the point of being aroused even by an old lady due to the fact of feeling panic of it... it was horrible the possibility of being straight and feeling this...Fortunely I could recover from it and I understood that I had some thing of bissexuality but I was gay. I mean I can never have a romantic conection with a girl and imagining them nude doesn't do anything but those fears made me block about gays a bit... I'm sorry if the text is confused but I'm feeling like in a spinning wheel... :/ As the time went by I became sure that I wanted boys for my life...being attracted to males and imagining me in a relationship with them and girls zero... Also seeing gay couples makes me feel joy and it boots my emotional need for a guy.Straight couples annoys me a bit. I mean is straight straight straight everywhere...straight this straight that... etc... A few weeks ago I met a straight guy... very beautiful and very sweet and we made click the first time I saw his profile picture I got so aroused that I couldn't control myself... and we started to chat and soon we found out that although he was straight we are in love with each other although he lives far away from me. We start to empathise and emocionally connect to each other and also virtual sex which was good (at first he sent me pictures of naked woman and I felt nothing but when the subject changed to him I would become aroused) but since I never got any sucessfull relationship until today the fears and insecurity arrived since he loves me and I think I love him, I can't stand being far away from him I need him I want to kiss him protect him, hug him and being happy with him... also I feel nervous when he is not around, it hurts me thinking of him with a girl intimately and we talk everyday, every hour and I get aroused when I flirt him by telling him beautiful and sweet things. I feel nervous, a thing in the belly and peacefull at the same time when talking to him but also some tire strange feeling. But the more I realize that this is becoming serious the more I feel fear of hurting him and myself, since he rejected me during a week from no aparent reason I felt trashed like my life was over... When we reconciled I felt so happy I was shaking and I realized that I never want to miss him again that I love him it was so sweet... but the fear of what if I'm not gay and also the girls thing arrived once again to make me miserable I don't want to be straight the problem is that this fear blocks my gay feelings a bit and makes me look at girls on real life like they interest me but they don't and also makes me doubt what If I don't like him what if all of this will fail and both will get hurt? It's a straight boy being in love with me he found joy in live because of me... I love him I think I'm scared and confused... What's happening with me? Is it my brain trying to protect me from the fears by going to the straight thing? One thing I noticed in my lifetime is that when some boy rejected me I felt like crap and the brain tried unsucessfully to be "straight" haha... If I think like "oh it's just a girl" I feel nothing but if I focus on the fears I become a mess. What can I do? What's happening with me? I feel so much was left yet to tell but I don't know...Emotionally and rationaly I know I want to be happy with him. Please help me Sorry about my english and confused text. With the best regards.
Welcome to EC. It's okay to have the feelings you are having. The person you should be with will love you no matter what. Even if there's a conflict, you'll both love each other still and work things out. (*hug*) I wish the best for you.
Hello, Thank you for your kind reply, support and understanding my text which is a bit messy... My issue is those intrusive thoughts that blocks my gay feelings and make me feel so insecure... makes me feel like maybe I don't like him... but I know I do...today he didn't speak with me yet and I'm feeling so sad about it and I miss him a lot... and I'm worried but I don't know what's happening with me... I was ok with myself and with him a few days ago before I had these intrusive stupid straight world toughts... Maybe it's the fear of hurting him? I know there isn't 100% straight or gay but these intrusive toughts are hurting me... I need him, to hear his voice which calms me down... when he is away I start to get nervous and blocked I know that porn or seeing sites of videos of nude female isn't a good indicator of anything but I used to be aroused just by seeing nude boys and so and when I feel blocked it becomes a bit hard. I'm affraid of hurting him, well I mean I know he was straight and we could use that in our benefit when we meet personally to overcome this issues but I don't know. I like him a lot and he is sick and I'm worried that he didn't say anything yet and also affraid if he got some blocking thoughts to and don't want to talk with me. Why sexuality is so toxic and complicated? What can I do to go back to my normal self which is gay and in love with him? With the best regards.
Today I spoke with beutiful girls and felt nothing...why this fear? Why do I have fear of loving him? I love him... I was so happy when he appeared and talked with me on the phone today... What can I do? I don't want to miss him neither I do want girls I just want to go back to normal and love him like it was last week and being aroused by him and happy with him. I can't live withouth him. I want to disable these fears before they destroy everything Any advice? Please help :'( Thanks With the best regards.
