Hi there, Over the past summer I spent a lot of time thinking about my sexuality. Ever since middle school I knew I had some kind of interest in guys and often looked at gay porn but I never acted on my feelings and made sure to keep them deep down inside of me. I just wanted to fit in and I wasn't really sure if I was actually gay or just confused. Freshman year of college I tried meeting up with another guy my age off of Craigslist and it was nothing special (though it could have been a mix of not being that attracted to him and just being nervous). Now that I am in my 3rd year of school I feel like it is time to make up my mind. I am pretty sure I am gay but it is still really hard to admit it to myself.... On a side not, I have never had a girlfriend and only have kissed a handful of girls so that adds to another level of confusion. I think girls are attractive but guys are a whole different level. I am from a small town and the thought of being gay is very scary to me (luckily I am in college now and don't go home very often). It is honestly on my mind everyday and lately I feel like I need it to get out. After typing this all out I think I know the answer to my question, but any advice or stories of your own would be greatly appreciated. Thanks...
Hi, and welcome! YOu're definitely in the right place. I think the answer to your question lies not in what guys or girls you have or haven't been with... but where your fantasies and attractions lie. When you're out somewhere (beach, park, shopping mall), are your eyes wandering toward guys or girls? When you masturbate (without porn), are you thinking about guys, or girls? These are generally the best and most reliable indicators of where your attractions really lie. IF you're comfortable talking about that, it will make it easier to give you more meaningful responses.
Welcome to EC! I second Chip above. Sometimes people we've been with in the past isn't always the best indicator (unless you can conceretely pinpoint your feelings towards them, and if/whether something, some "spark" was missing when you were kissing girls). I do agree that maybe with the guy from Craigslist it might have been because you were nervous, or simply because he wasn't your type. That's fine. Adding onto what Chip said, besides your fantasies and attractions, (also who you check out, who you fantasize to...minus the porn, porn is rarely a good indicator), you can also think about some other questions too. As in, who would you want to date and be in a serious relationship with? And I do mean a committed one, romantically, for the long term. Who would you be comfortable and who do you want to be romantically and sexually intimate with, given the chance? In the future, who do you want settle down with, marry, spend the rest of your life with? What excites you, and what do you want? It can also help to not just think about these questions practically, and be held back by the consequences that you might be scared of facing (re: being from a small town, and being scared of being gay and the possible reactions). Think about what you would want if there were no possible negative repercussions from anyone- you have freedom to do whatever you want, and nothing bad will happen, you don't have to hide it, or worry about it. Sometimes the practical fear and thinking about external factors may cloud your judgement of what you want, and replace it to what you could be "willing" to settle down for. A resignated acceptance to being with certain people because it's more convenient, is different from an active attraction and desire to be with someone. You can also think about your feelings and attractions right now in the present. If you do feel attraction to someone, just let it happen. Observe what you feel and what you desire re: the people around you too, if that's possible. But you don't have to actively have feelings for anyone at any given time to figure out your orientation. It can be confusing for now, and that's really normal. There can be a lot of stuff to work through, but if you do have a certain sense of who you might be, just explore that a bit further. Normalize the idea of being gay to yourself first, so that you can accept that possibility- one that's normal and natural and not wrong in the least. Once you're able to be open to that possibility, you might find yourself in a clearer place and perspective. And if you do realize you're gay, it can be scary, but it's not going to be the end of the world. So many gay people lead incredibly happy lives, and even if you might face some obstacles, you can and will be happy in the end embracing who you are. Good luck.
My eyes do generally wander to guys A LOT more than to girls. Also, yeah masturbation is almost always to the thought of a guy. I think all signs point to being gay but it's still hard to admit it to myself, if that makes sense.
