I apologize in advance, because I feel this might be long. I've had a few experiences with women, although it wasn't ideal and unpleasant. I've been in only a few relationships with men and all except one of them were really horrible. Basically it was men trying to make me do sex related things I wasn't ready to give or really wanted to for that matter. The worst one was the first relationship I was in. He was ten years older than me and emotionally and to some extend physically abused me for two years. This has been a few years ago now, but I only recently started talking to my psychologist about it. However I don't think I will be able to tell her about the problem that I am facing now. I don't find talking about sexual matters very easy and I don't really want to get into that with her. I feel really violated by men in general and thinking about being intimate with a man makes me uncomfortable and angry. I thought this was just about the abuse, however mild it was. Yet a while ago I became friends with a woman online. We live in different countries but grew very fond of each other very quickly. We spend hours on Skype with each other and I just think she is a wonderful person. The problem here is I started developing a crush on her. At least I think I did. I think about her all the time and I even imagine myself taking her out on dates and doing nice things for her. I don't think she knows. She is a lesbian, by the way. Last night I felt so depressed when I received a message from her. I want to tell her how I feel but I also know that would be pointless and possibly ruin a good friendship. I feel so hopeless about this whole situation. The distance is not something I could overcome and even if I could, my family would never accept it if I fell in love with a woman. I'm a Christian and that's been weighing me down as well. I don't want to go to hell. I know not everyone believes in God, but I ask that others please respect that I do just as I respect others who do not. I feel so drained and something that was supposed to be a good thing turned into this horrible longing to someone I can't ever have and what's worse, I am not even sure it is real. Maybe this is just because of the way men always treated me. All I know is I've never felt so love sick over a woman before. It is a very new and scary thing for me.
Hi NoHope, sorry that you're hurting right now on top of being confused about your sexuality. Being raised as a Christian myself I know how difficult it is trying to sort this out with that background. Just remember that people are the ones who have magnified the "sin" of homosexuality not God. There are other sound interpretations of what the bible says on this issue which you may not have been exposed to in your church. You are not going to hell even if it is a sin. Everyone else is imperfect and continues to sin and they aren't going to hell so why would you just for falling in love with a woman? While you are trying to sort out the question of your sexuality I encourage you not to come from a place of negativity, i.e. horrible failed relationships with men, with the expectation that it will be all good times all the time with a woman. There will be bad relationships wherever you go. You definitely have expressed what seems like a more than straight attraction for a lesbian so it is good to question. If you are bisexual or lesbian this isn't a disaster. There are many happy and successful lesbians out there who have gone through just what you are now. You are in a scary and confusing spot right now but keep coming here, reading what others are saying and ask your questions. It will help.
Hi Zen, thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate it. It makes sense that no relationship will be perfect, although I don't really think it will be. There are some aspects I don't see myself being worried about tho, should I be with a woman. I guess what is making it difficult for me is I don't know for sure what's going to happen to gay people. I'm by no means perfect and I have a ton of sins as is, although most of those won't get me rejected by of my family. It's also kind of a dead end street, seeing as there's no way I could be with her.
Sometimes relationships still work out despite distance at first. Keep in contact and tell her how you feel if you're comfortable doing so. Many people would appreciate the honesty. Even if you never date, you can still be good friends.
