Never in my entire life would I imagine I'd be posting on a forum like this. I'm a 20 year old man and this last week has been the most stressful/anxious week of my life. My entire life I never questioned my sexuality. I've been attracted to girls, or atleast I think I've been, for as long as I can remember. I've been intimate with girls in the past and I've enjoyed it, I think, but never had sex. My earliest sexual experiences included nothing homosexual. Straight porn, straight fantasies, straight dreams, etc. About 2 weeks ago I attended a very serious seminar about protecting young children from abuse and suddenly after the seminar I had a complete panic,anxiety attack that I was somehow a pedophile. Disgusting I know. This absolutely disgusted me and ruined my life for a good week I was unable to concentrate on anything or function normally. Then a week later a new obsession entered my brain. I suddenly freaked out over the fact I was gay. I fit no gay stereotypes although I don't believe much in them as I know many gays who don't either. I've spent literally everyday this last week researching the Internet to help me figure out if I'm gay or not. I'm now very familiar with HOCD and I think this may be what I am suffering from. Howvever, I've lost almost all attraction to girls I thought I once had. I just can't remember what it felt like to think a girl is hot. I'm pretty sure I've had my heart broken by a girl I was in love with in high school but I just don't remember the feeling. The really confusing part is that now I think I am finding guys attractive. I Can't even look at a guy without having a homsexual thought. I've always watched straight porn but I tried watching gay porn for the first time and I was aroused and able to jerk off to it. This made my anxiety worse. After I did I felt disgusted with myself though and wrong. Suddenly I'm very anxious around other men and I'm constantly worried that I find them attractive. I'm beginning to feel really weird around some other dudes and its freaking me out does this mean I'm attracted to them. Definite groinal reactions. THIS WHOLE SITUATION HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE. Is it possible I've been surpressing my gayness for all these years and I'm just realizing now. Why am I no longer attracted to girls. I just don't think I'm gay. Or maybe I am I just cant accept it. I always wanted to marry a girl have a family etc.. My sister just came out this year and it didn't change the way I look at her at all. I've never been homophobic at all. I've always been in support of civil rights for LGBT despite my conservative values on most other subjects. I haven't told anyone about this but I'm very close to asking my parents if I can see a therapist but I'm afraid it just may be confirmed I'm gay. When I picture myself doing stuff with another guy I'm not totally disgusted although I'm pretty sure in the past I was. Is it possible I'm changing. I have nothing against gays but I really just don't want to be gay myself. If anyone has been through this also and can offer some advice. Or if anyone has opinions I'd greatly appreciate it. I have much respect for everyone on this forum with the courage to post about their own personal situations and struggles. Thanks
Don't panic! It's important to remember that our sexualities are fluid and change, even on a day to day basis. It might be the case that you were attracted to women when you were younger, but now you are feeling more attracted to men, or you might just be overreacting to a very strong stimulus (the paedophilia seminar). There is nothing wrong with that - we all become aroused at strange times and by peculiar things. I would recommend you speak to a good LGBT-affirming therapist, a good therapist shouldn't tell you what you're orientation is, they should help you to discover your sexuality for yourself by asking questions of you and challenging your preconceptions. Remember that even if you do have these feelings towards paedophilia (which I personally doubt) then they can be controlled. Find a good therapist and don't be afraid to find a second opinion if they start telling you what you are
Just go with the flow. If you understand there's nothing wrong with it just do what makes you happy. There isn't a fast way to learn your sexual preference. It took me about 4 years before I clicked after my first initial gay thought. Just live in the moment. If you want to watch gay porn, go for it. If you wan to watch straight porn, go for it. You don't need to categorise yourself, especially when you're so unsure. Just see what happens. If you meet someone, concentrate on them as a person, not their gender. At the end of the day it REALLY isn't important. Just try and carry on with your life and see what happens and how you feel
