trouble accepting myself

I can relate to this a lot. Being gay doesn't make you a horrible person. As I was told, these are your natural feelings. It can be hard to accept, but being gay is a part of who you are and one of the things that make you a unique individual. I wish the best for you. (*hug*)

 

Hi Ruby, I am having problems with my eyes and the computer, so I have not read your post, just the title. I'm struggling even to check over what I've written here. Just wanted to say you are not alone. I should have known back in my younger days that I'm bisexual, but the guy attraction I always put down to some kind of 'aberration', some kind of novelty thing that meant nothing. A year ago I found this site, got much support and began to open my mind to the notion that 'it's ok for me to like guys (in that way) as well'. And after much progress, lately I've had this resistance come up inside me. I was really getting off on the thought of this guy, so much it almost killed me (in a nice way), and all of a sudden I realized, "this is a male. I am getting off on his maleness..." I can't explain it rationally but something came up, a doubt, this feeling that it somehow wasn't right...damn. Not again! But I asked myself the same question I have asked often: does it do any harm to anyone, for two consenting adults of the same gender to engage in sex? And truly it does not...only certain religions frown on it, whereas reason clearly says it's fine. So sorry to be so graphic but I sort of rebelled and got even more into it. Against my own doubts, against that negative thought. I'm sick of being made to feel bad about how I feel, even if it's by my own mind. Rationally, I really can't see anything 'wrong' with same sex attraction, so I suspect any lingering internalized homophobia is due to past social conditioning. I wish you well on the journey to self-acceptance.

 

Welcome to EC! (&&&)

It is quite a common theme I've seen here for us to feel very accepting of others but not so of ourselves. Stick around and keep posting - there are awesome and friendly people here and I promise, it helps!! (*hug*)

 

Hiya. First things first, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like that. It's abominable that, because of the way that the rest of the world is structured and ordered, you should feel self-hatred and have trouble accepting yourself. I think that's despicable.

I hope you know you are not alone in having felt things like that. I'd like to share my experience with you, because I'm quite familiar with these sorts of feelings.

I had a very difficult and very confusing time accepting myself in my adolescence (I knew I was not straight, and I came out as gay but that was not it either, but I also did not feel bisexual, I was something else entirely. I felt like there was no up or down, no night and day, only confusion.) [I now identify as Queer, and that feels so much better. I'm "different", even from others who are "different". I feel like myself, a WEIRDO, a STRANGER, an ALIEN. Being an outsider, even to other outsiders, has become a fundamental part of my identity. ]

When I was questioning my sexuality many other distressing things were happening in my life and I fell into a very deep depression. I had suicidal feelings pretty much every day and half-heartedly attempted once [that is something I still can't talk to my family about. I can nowadays talk to them about pretty much anything (it wasn't always like that, it's been a journey, a very difficult one), but that one incident I can't bring myself to make them aware of].

It was a horrifying time. I absolutely loathed myself and wanted to punish myself for being so different from everyone else. The strange thing is, I held no prejudice or hatred for anyone else. At school, my friends would've described me as the one who always voiced his disapproval when someone said something homophobic. Strange, then, that away from them I couldn't bear to be myself.

I had violent fantasies about myself, avoided looking in the mirror every morning, spent the days alone in my head with my unending inner dialogue of abuse and self-hatred. Things were desperate for a time, but my family and (some of) my friends helped me through them. Nowadays I hold absolutely no self hatred. I am OK with who I am. I can't imagine myself any other way; if I wasn't queer, I would not be me.

That would be a different person. Not me.

I am still depressed, but that's not due to my orientation, I am just a person who thinks [OVERTHINKS] very long and very hard about things and who is very idealistic and is therefore constantly let down by a very flawed, very imperfect world. On the bad days I feel lost, confused, empty, hopeless even. I would be lying if I said I did not feel suicidal every now and then. But that is a passionless, cold, numb feeling, clinical, not personal, compared to the frantic, crazed impulses i felt before. And I know how to cope with those feelings now, and how to ride the wave until it crests and passes.

I don't feel like I want to punish myself anymore. On the good days I feel very proud to be myself. I am someone different. And I have survived.

In time, you will see that you will feel the same. Time passes and changes everything. I never thought, back then in that hellhole, that I'd ever reach a day where I was glad to be me. But I have. It's not every day, but I'm working on it. I suspect I'll be working on it for a long time to come. But things really do get better. I hope that those days come to you soon and that you realize how much you matter, exactly the way you are. Remember, if you weren't the way you are, another person entirely would be here. Someone else would inhabit your name and your life, but it wouldn't be you. We're here for an instant, and then we're gone.

That cements to me how unique, how incredibly special we are, that we should be exactly ourselves when we could have turned out any other way.