Hi everybody, I'm a new member and I'll apologize in advance for the long post. I'm sure you see posts questioning OCD and sexuality a lot, and I hope this isn't repetitive. In late spring of this year I was a senior in high school, and I started my first relationship with a wonderful girl who I'd had a crush on for a long time (I'm 18 years old and male). We hit it off incredibly well; there were no issues and the first month was the textbook definition of falling in love. I can honestly say this was the happiest month of my life. However, after that month things went downhill fast. First, we experimented sexually for the first time (nothing too serious) and while I was aroused, I couldn't finish and this was disappointing. After thinking about it I realized I had a very low libido- I couldn't remember the last time I pleasured myself and I had no desire to do so. Afterwards she questioned me about the future of our relationship because I would be going off to college at the end of the summer, and I told her I had every intention of keeping the relationship alive (which I did). However, since this time I have not been able to stop questioning and doubting myself. The next day, my mom (my parents are divorced) moved out of our hometown where my girlfriend lives to a place 2 hours away. Also in that day I had an incredible amount of stress from my job as well as financial obligations and several other major issues. I remember going home and suddenly feeling that I had lost interest in my girlfriend, and the first thing I did was send her a text saying that hoping she would cheer me up. Bad idea. The thought about losing interest gave me great anxiety, and when I was disturbed enough to ask my mom she told me it was probably anxiety disorder (both sides of my family have extensive history of anxiety disorder and depression). This was a bit of relief, but before long I was going on google and searching things such as "falling out of love" and "how do you know if you love someone" etc. I still cannot decide if I love her or not. Since then I have spent hours each day on the internet trying to figure out why I was so disturbed, and for the most part it has done nothing to help me but instead make me feel worse. I feared and doubted almost everything about our relationship, and I spent a countless amount of time over the summer just thinking about it. As the summer progressed, we enjoyed time together and did fun things, but my doubts only grew stronger. At the end of the summer, I went off to college (only 1 hour away from home so not really a long distance relationship) and at the same time became depressed. I lost my appetite, couldn't sleep, and had no motivation. Soon after at my parents' request I began seeing a therapist, who diagnosed me with OCD very quickly- she said I had been suffering from obsessive thinking, which I agree with. Many days I would wake up and the first thing in my mind was "You don't love her." which would make me very anxious and I'd spend time trying to reason with myself. Since I started therapy, these thoughts don't bother as me as much, and I have had a few clear days where I feel like I really am in love with her, and those days are amazing. But at the same time my doubts get progressively worse, which very recently has made me think that I am gay. Being gay would explain why I had such a hard time feeling love and why I have been doubting myself so much. Also, we recently started having sex, even though I did not have much of a desire for it. For the most part I think it is enjoyable but I do not crave it and this annoys me to no end. I have no trouble getting aroused by my girlfriend, and thinking about her has the same effect. However I don't have much of a desire and I have trouble finishing in sex. I have questioned my sexuality before in life (mostly in 6th grade after someone called me gay for not being cool) and I understand that it's normal. However I am fairly convinced that I am gay now and I really don't get it. I have no attraction to men, have no history of it, and I want to pursue a relationship with this girl. Since I "realized" that I was gay a few days ago, I can't walk around outside without thinking that every single person I walk by is cute- I don't even have to see their faces sometimes. Just two weeks before this, I was concerned that I was falling in love with a few attractive girls who I regularly see in school and this scared me.As far as history goes, I've had crushes on girls since I was 5 or 6 and when puberty hit I developed sexual attraction and desire like what I think is normal. This desire all seemed to fall away around last winter, and I do not know why. I used to fantasize about girls and watch porn (not gay) as well but that has also mostly stopped. When I would watch porn I could only watch soft core, anything with a guy in it would irritate me. Also, according to my therapist I have a history of OCD that started in my childhood because of a fear of throwing up and being sick. I get that's a normal fear for kids, but to me it evolved into a serious issue where I was constantly doing compulsions because of my fear. This is mostly gone now except some of the compulsions linger ( I don't even notice that I do them most of the time). I'd greatly appreciate any opinions you all have, because I am very very confused at the time and would like some help. Thank you.
I am literally no expert at all, but to me it does sound OCD. Do you really need to label yourself though? Just love who you feel attracted to. If you like a girl you like a girl, if you like a guy you like a guy. You seem to have liked only girls. Why do you think you are gay? I thinks it's just OCD. Good luck .
I would agree with the above, I don't think you are gay but it just may be OCD. Or perhaps your bisexual? Exactly the above user's point, you don't need to think of labels - if you don't find anything attractive in the gay arena, then you don't, or you do . It's all about putting things in perspective and just playing things slowly! Perhaps you are just over-analyzing this? All these answers will come to you naturally in time.
From everything you have told us, it seems unlikely that you are gay. If you are not attracted to men and you don't want to be physically intimate with another man it almost definitely rules out the idea. It would be a stretch to even think that you are bisexual if you have no feelings for men. Anxiety and depression can (and does) kill your libido and if you have had problems with your sexual performance it will only exacerbate the stress that you are under. It really would be better for you to concentrate on dealing with the emotional issues, rather than worrying about your sexual orientation. Searching around on the internet for reasons and explanations will do you no good at all I'm afraid. The internet is awash with bullshit from people who want to offer an opinions that have no basis in fact or reality.
... and before somebody comes in and suggests it, it's highly unlikely you're asexeual, or on the (completely unrecognized by anyone credible) "asexual spectrum", because what you're describing doesn't match the criteria, if we're using the definition widely-used and accepted by everyone. The problem here is the anxieity. OCD is essentially in the same spectrum of mental issues as anxiety, and anxiety impacts sexual arousal and connection. So once you start to get the OCD under control, it will be much easier to get clear understanding of what you're feeling. I'd suggest getting a copy of the book "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz. Dr. Schwartz has been studying OCD for decades and has developed a practical strategy that is very helpful in getting the symptoms under control. In the meantime, I agree with Patrick that it doesn't sound like there's any indication you're attracted to guys. One of the ways you can help to clarify is to look at your masturbation fantasies (without porn.) If, when you're masturbating, you find yourself thinking about your girlfriend, about girls, and about being with girls... and you don't find yourself getting aroused while thinking about guys... then you're pretty clearly straight.
Thanks for the replies everybody! I think the main reason that I am confused is that my background is similar to someone with OCD and someone who is gay, I'm just trying to sort it out. The main reason I am suspecting that I'm gay is because of the lack of feelings in my relationship, but I don't know if that is OCD or related or just because of who I am. I might add that at the start of my relationship the idea of being in a relationship and then finding out your true sexuality was very scary to me, so I don't know if this is just playing off of that or if it's fear coming true. The person who I am with is wonderful; she makes me very happy and is everything I could ask for, and the idea of not being with her any more is not very pleasant, however I would hate to stay for a long time only to find out it was a lie all along. Edit: as far as masturbation fantasies go, I have had difficulty masturbating for a long time now. Usually I can only get off with my g/f around, on my own it is almost impossible. Straight porn does not do much to turn me on nor does gay porn.
