I've been with my husband for 10 years now - married for over a year and I've been really starting to question my sexuality. I've only ever been with one person - my husband. I've always been attracted to men, but I've also always been sexually attracted to women. Specifically, I've always preferred lesbian porn to straight porn. I've never been attracted to any woman I've known personally (normally I just find girls pretty or whatever) and I've never really had sexual fantasies about women I know (aside from dreams). I've never been with a woman either. Which is why I haven't questioned my sexuality until the couple years. I've come to the conclusion that I'm at least bisexual - but am I more than that? My husband and I used to have a great sex life for the first half of our relationship. But for the past few years I've been wanting to have sex less and less. I don't get turned on by him anymore and try and avoid sex whenever I can. The problem is - I love this man on an emotional level. He's helped me through my depression and is always there for me. He makes me laugh and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. And I want to be sexually attracted to him so badly! But I can't help but think that the reason I don't want to have sex is that I'm attracted to women. Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice would be great.
I think you are probably just bisexual. Lesbians tend to agree towards the fact that they NEVER ever felt attraction towards men and the few who happened to marry one seem to have had sex with them more out of duty than for their personal pleasure. If you've been attracted to men/your husband and have never been repulsed by the fact of having sex with him and actually enjoyed it, I think it's safe to say you aren't a lesbian. Many couples start having less sex or enjoying it less after a few years together, it's something that's completely normal, especially if your a bisexual. Everyone's bisexuality is different but it seems to be pretty fluid for most. My bisexuality for example translate by being attracted to both but not at the same time. I see myself focusing more on a gender or another depending of the day etc... those phases can last pretty long ( which explains that for a few years I genuinely thought I was straight and that my 'bisexuality' was just a 'phase') and suddenly swap for no reasons and without me being able to control it. Maybe you are in one of those 'phases' where you find yourself currently more attracted to women than men, it's fine, you love your husband and there is no reasons to panic. Since he appears to be your soulmate what about trying some new things in bed to spark the fire again ? Have you even considered including another woman in your sexual relationships and see if it helps ? That is definitely not for everyone but may work for some so it can't hurt to consider it. In all cases, good luck
That makes a lot of sense. I can't help but worry that down the road I might realize I've been lying to myself. The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband - he's the sweetest human being. I actually talked to him about this concern for the first time today and he said that we'll work it out no matter what happens. A part of me regrets not experimenting or being with other people before getting married so I could figure this stuff out and be satisfied with being monogamous with a man. I think fantasizing about being with a woman in bed could work. I think I'll suggest is sometime - I'm sure he certainly would t mind. . Thanks for the advice. It really did help quiet my mind and make me feel a bit more secure in my sexuality. Although I find the weird thing about being bi that you're never really secure and never really sure if you're just using it as an excuse. Maybe it's because society portrays bisexuality that way a lot as well.. That's it's not "real" and that its just a way to ignore your real sexuality.
Society portrays it like that because people who are monosexual (whether gay or straight) can't really understand the fact that someone could like more than one gender, their brain can't process it so it can't be real. In a way I get it because I can't really understand how my straight (female) friends manage not to find other women extremely attractive lol but I guess I'll never understand it. I know though that NOT everyone is bi so it's definitely possible. ( I would actually love finding out what it's like to only like one for a day. ) Personally I find bisexuality very confusing, because I'll never know whom I'll be attracted to tomorrow and especially if it will ever be possible for me to be fully fulfilled in a relationship without my bisexuality 'playing tricks' on me. ( I do think it would be possible with another woman, not so sure about another men though awkwardly.) Anyway, I guess I'll find out, but it's nice to see your husband being supportive and so on, hope everything works out for you.
This is not neccesarily true. Even here on EC there are a lot of women who identify as lesbians and who have actually been somewhat attracted to men at one point or another. Some people can be romantically attracted to the opposite gender when their still not completely accepting of the fact that they are gay. Also there is the role of social programming, if you are in deep denial of your sexuality, and you see the message everywhere that your chance to be in a loving relationship is only with the opposite sex, any amount of attraction you feel towards the opposite sex is enough to "convince you" that you are straight. And definitely not every lesbian is repulsed by sex with men, they just prefer having sex with women because it is more natural to them, while having sex with men is not. That doesn't make a person bisexual. ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2015 at 02:37 AM ---------- But in the OP's case, this sounds more like bi. If you used to have great sex life then it's possible to get it back, there are several books about this subject. I used to search a lot about this "reviving your sex life" topic, but abandoned the project when I realized that the only condition for reviving it is that at the beginning of the relationship you actually had a great sex life. Which in my case it's a no.
Why does everybody have to fall on one side of the spectrum? That's what I hear a lot which is very strange to me. It seems like if you are a lesbian who is attracted to men that would just make you bisexual, but with a preference for women. To me sexuality can be fluid, and it's very confusing when people insist that you're one or the other. Not saying that's what anyone here is doing. I find it's very difficult to identify as bisexual because so many people question that.
You are not wrong but there is a bit more to it. Many people in the LGBT community don't like labels as they don't necessarily fit individual attractions and preferences. Someone who identifies one way who has gone through the painful coming out process is not going to be in a rush to go through it again because of some mild bi tendency.
Hey, Meercat, my previous comment might have come across a bit aggressive, sorry about that! As someone said "Labels are for clothes", so if we are trying to fit ourselves perfectly into a label we are faced with an impossible and frustrating task. This is what I have been trying to do for so long. But, maybe also based on the same metaphor, I am interested about what the clothes are actually for, what they contain, that's why I'm reading the label. It's an indication, I think, for where we are at. That's why, I for example am struggling with labeling myself because I've only had relationships with the opposite sex, but after admitting finally to myself that I am attracted to women, and after also admitting that all these experiences with men were less than satisfying, now I'm at a place where I'm not interested in having more experiences with men, but I'm very interested in having them with women. Now, if I would label myself bi, that would not be the accurate information I would like others to get about me at this point in my life. Men would think I am interested in them but I am not. In the same time not having yet any real life experience with women I can say that I am still in a way unsure, so that's why I don't feel so confident calling myself a lesbian yet (and some amount of internal resistance/ homophobia which I still might have). So yeah, labeling should be about how YOU see yourself and what message/ information would you like others to receive about you. At least this is how I see it. I know that there is a lot of "baggage" involved with every label, and I'm struggling with that too.
