Hi, I am a 20 year old girl. In the recent years I have been trying to figure out my sexual orientation, and have never spoken to anyone about my thoughts, so here goes. I remember once when I was little, having a dream about liking girls, and felt very uncomfortable by it, even though I fully support the LGBTQ+ community. However, since that point, I dont think my younger self ever really thought about it as anything more than an "odd" thought. I had pretty strong crushes on multiple boys, but now that I think about them, I wonder whether it was because other girls liked them (so I was being competitive for their attention). I find myself seeing boys I pass and thinking that theyre attractive, and I find myself staring at them in class if their looks intrigue me. I have kissed boys, but when I had a more sexual relationship with one, I just didnt really feel anything (also didnt really feel anything when kissing guys). I am not sure whether it is that our personalities didnt totally match, or whether I am not sexually attracted to boys, even though I feel that I want their attention and assess their looks. In my more recent years, I have come to the realization that I think about women sometimes too. Most of my imagination involves me and a woman (although to be honest I really try to repress this a lot even though I shouldnt, because I should want to know more about my sexuality, and I do). The woman is never someone I know, and I dont think even really has a face. I dont think I felt like I've ever had a crush on a woman, but I will see pictures or pass by girls and be enthralled i guess by how they look, which I maybe have thought was because they looked like how I want to look. I kind of get a ping in my stomach when I see some girls, and I'm not sure ive had this same immediate ping with men (but my crushes on men that developed felt very real in the past). Overall, I'm confused and not sure what any of this means or if others have had similar experiences, and am a bit scared of coming to terms with myself. Any advice?
This is exactaly how I was when I was questioning I found that my attraction to guys wa more of an attention thing that I still struggle I want guys to like me but I don't really wat to avctually be in a relationship with the I just want to flirt and and have their atterning and well there verification (which ik sounds bad) I have also found that I have had one very real crush on a guy where I would lay awake every night and think about him I would dream about him and he was all that was on my mind this is the sole reason I identify with homoflexible bc I do belive that if I find tha 1 man that I would be open to being in a relationship of marring him but a majority of who I like are women
These are definitely my thoughts about questioning and coming to terms with that. I think a huge shift in identity takes time to feel comfortable, so it makes sense to start easy. Regarding being uncomfortable about the thought of being gay but supporting the LGBT community: I've felt this. I always felt like it was ok for *other people*, to be gay, but I'd kill myself if I ever was gay. Well, I haven't killed myself (if anything I've come to life), but it was painful getting here. I attribute this double standard to heteronormativity, which means that I thought "straight" was normal and if I was just trying to be a normal teenager of course I was straight. I didn't realize how other people didn't *try* to be straight: they WERE straight! I just figured if I could keep up the charade I could make myself "normal". But of course, heteronormativity doesn't mean hating gay people, so I felt like it was totally ok for other people to be gay. That's my prevailing theory as to why it might make you uncomfortable to confront your own sexuality while supporting others'. I too have had the competitive crushes: a girl will like a boy so I'll try flirting with that boy. "yeah, me too, I like that boy too." That being said I did kinda have weird crush things on boys, but I also sometimes forced myself to, probably because I knew something else was inside me. I don't know if your experience is exactly mine but there definitely seems to be some territory to be explored here. Give it a shot! Oh yeah, and I was about 9 when I first thought I might be gay and then it took me til age 24 to develop a full-blown crush on a friend that I could no longer deny. One thing that really helped me relax and figure out my attractions was mindfulness meditation. Go to calm.com or something like that and do 5-10 minutes a day for a while and see whether or not it helps you tune into your body's wants/needs.
Thanks for some confirmation. Its pretty hard to discern whether I am being competitive with boys, or if I really liked them. I also have definitely stayed awake at night thinking of guys I like, but obviously cant really shake the whole girl attraction thing either. But I dont think ive ever actually seen a girl and thought about having a relationship with her, you know?
I've been questioning for some time and I've never had a full-blown crush on a girl. However, I did start recently having some attractions to a close friend of mine who's a girl. Here's how it happened: I wondered if my crushes with guys were real or not and why I couldn't just like one and want a relationship with one like normal girls. I'd flirt to no end, but if a guy was interested it scared me off. While I don't have complete full feelings for this girl, some things started to make sense with her. Like, I know this sounds weird but I never understood why couples liked to be cuddly with each other and put their arms around one another. I thought this was something you had to learn how to do. With my friend, I finally realized it could just feel natural, and I wanted to do those things with her. And I never understood how kissing could just feel natural, but I felt that too with her and then it made sense that I could feel those feelings without thinking about it. Before I realized this, I constantly worried about why I couldn't feel these things. Why was I different? Why couldn't I just feel like everybody else does? In a sense, I thought forcing those feelings was normal. So my point is that even though there's a lot of things you may not feel today, or not understand about yourself, there's no reason that can't change in the future maybe by meeting the right person or maybe for some other reason. You may find out things about yourself you never really thought possible and things may start to make more sense and feel natural. There's a lot of feelings I feel like I couldn't have right now (like wanting a full romantic relationship with a girl) probably because I'm just not ready. But based on what's happened so far, I have faith that maybe someday that'll change and when I'm ready I'll meet a person who I do feel those things for and then it will feel natural and make sense
Bubbles123, I agree and am hoping one day I'll figure out what feels right. I have recently been reading about people who are romantically attracted to guys, and sexually attracted to girls, and I sometimes wonder if this is my case. If so, I worry that I can never have a fulfilled relationship. I think I want to be with guys (not 100% sure), but when things went further than kissing with them I still didnt really feel anything. I dont know if it was because I am not sexually attracted to guys or if I just didnt know him well enough. There was one boy I was very comfortable with and had known him and had a crush on him for a while, and we hooked up once, and I thought I may be sexually attracted to him (but I was on my period so I couldnt really explore that further than kissing, sorry for TMI), but I really dont know. I don't really know how to go about testing things out, but since I havent told anyone I feel this way, I don't know where to start, and I dont think im comfortable telling anyone yet still.
It's definitely hard to discern. I was for sure crushing on guys for a while in middle school. But, and this is just my interpretation, I feel I lost interest as boys and girls went through puberty and I just never quite regained that attraction to men as I did when we were all young and generally more androgynous, if that makes sense. It's possible to be attracted to the masculinity of a boy but not to the identity/physical characteristics of a male. Some women are attracted to masculine women. Keep yourself open to the spectrum of possibilities. It won't all make sense overnight.
