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Confused and anxious about sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Investigating, Oct 27, 2015.

  1. Investigating

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    Sorry the long post, but if you could read carefully and have some mindful thoughts on this, I'd really appreciate.

    What's happening to me is that I've been having some confusion about my sexual tastes. Once, there was no confusion at all, I could only think of women, actually I'm driven by them. Finding the one, the soul mate and all that, is all I can ever wish.

    As I grew up and started to know my body, I realized that I enjoy almost any kind of sexual action, but given society behavior, I never really let myself explore the homosexual side of the story. And as I said, I don't really want, I want girls and not guys. Sex is sex and has nothing to do about who we love and want to be with.

    Today I'm 22 and only after some events during the last year or so that I'm allowing myself to talk about this. Alright, so what's the problem? I've been having some strong anxiety about my sexual tastes, I don't feel ok when people joke or even just talk about homosexuality with me (I don't see that it's their problem, it's really about me, people see my discomfort and my face blushing and that's what bothers me :icon_redf).

    I'm dating a beautiful and smart girl, she made out with girls before, but she says she would never have sex with one, but she gives huge support to LGBT communities and she knows about some of my feelings. In a conversation we had about fetishes and stuff, I told her that I liked many weird things, even using my finger. I let her use her finger in me once, but it was weird and I came to realize I only enjoy it by myself (not sure if I didn't allow me to enjoy it fully). She asked me if I had ever liked any guy, and I honestly answered no, never liked any guy, I only loved girls before. Now, honestly saying, my penis doesn't care about what it's touching, and that disturbs me, because the thought of touching my penis in another man's penis already turned me on. I can't say that I would not have sex with men, because actually I could, I don't do cause I don't want me to be in this situation, but I can.

    About the girl, we love each other and I feel terribly afraid of losing her in the future, because she made so good to my life, but now I had to travel to another country (I think we can make it, it's been 4 months already and there's 8 more to come :confused:). Our sexual life was just great, just thinking of her turns me on :eusa_danc, as I said my penis is crazy! We forgive a lot of things between us that could destroy our relationship (like the distance), that's why I'm faithful about us and one of the reasons I love her so much. I don't feel any need of another person, neither she does, we are very loyal to each other. I have no problem at all with her. But the thing that makes me most afraid is being awkwardly anxious, blushing or w/e, when I'm with her in front of her family or other people because of gay things, which, by experience, can definitely happen and people just get confused about me.

    Given the distance, my sexual pleasure has been masturbation. I watched gay porn without depriving me of enjoying it for the first time during this travel, but I still don't think I'm gay cause of this. I love this girl, I've loved tons of other girls in the past, never really liked any guy...

    My question is why do I get so anxious about it?? I hate when people doubt on my sexuality, even though I try to fit in, I get scared by this society that requires us to be completely heterosexual, otherwise you are a clown with a red nose.

    Any experience, thoughts or advices to share?
     
  2. Mihael

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    I've been there. I totally get you.

    I'm the same in this aspect. In my opinion this is the essence and definition of bisexuality, being into both genders - being attracted to both genders and not bothering with genital cofiguration and so on.

    Your sexual and romantic orientations can differ. Romantic orientation is falling with love, and sexual is having sex. It may well be you're bisexual but heteroromantic.

    Yeah. So, I have had the sme experience. I chilled out only as I moved away from home and went to college. I got anxious about gay-talks because I wasn't comfortable with my own same-sex feelings. College has been a bit of a change, and the atmosphere is far more accepting than in high school or at home. Another source of my anxiety was that everyone assumed that everyone in the circle of people talking is not attracted to the same sex at all, and made it seem abnormal and perverted and laughed at it.

    There were also many situations where my female friends assumed I don't feel sexual about e.g. hugging them, sitting one on another or fixing their bra. Just, ya know, girls and lots of physical contact :thumbsup: I felt very uncomfortable with it.

    I can't remember anything for sure, but throughout history norms about sexuality and intimacy between people changed a lot. There were many cultures in which people were assumed to be bisexual and e.g. went through sexual initiation with the same sex instead of the other. Or some cultures supported same-sex love, like Sparta supported it between their warriors, beacuase they believed that if two warriors were in love, they would fight for each other with more motivation. In ancient rome homosexuality was also acceptable, at least to some degree or something, I can't really remember. Heck, even many animals are bi. Like majority of bonobo chimpanzees. There's nothing unnatural about it. If you try googling about the subject, there is plenty of material on it in the web.

    And what about advice... I'm feeling wierd, because you're older. Maybe: take time to accept your sexuality, find people who don't joke about gays and don't criticise homosexuality strongly. It takes time, unfortuantely.
     
    #2 Mihael, Oct 28, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2015
  3. Chip

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    There's no basis in any credible science, research, nor any recognition of the idea by the majoity of clinicians that there's any separation between romantic and sexual orientation. So generally speaking, thinking about that is usually just a waste of time as it won't help with understanding what's really going on.

    What we see pretty commonly is that some people who are bi or gay don't come to awareness of it until their 20s, 30s, sometimes even later. Repression and denial can be incredibly powerful, and the effect can make us completely, blissfully unaware until one day something "flips the switch." And during the "unaware" period, men can have girlfriends, love them, have sex with them, and even get some enjoyment out of the sex. The difference is, for the men that are actually gay and repressed... once they actively start thinking about/acting on their homoerotic fantasies, they usually discover those are way more intense and exciting.

    So one of the most reliable indicators tends to be masturbatory fantasies without porn use, because those fantasies tend to be fueled by our unconscious.

    Experimenting with consciously thinking about men in one session, then women in the next, then letting your mind wander and just take you where it takes you often gives you a clearer picture. The thing you do have to watch for here is what your conscious mind is doing... the fact that you get anxiety or discomfort when people question or make comments probably indicates there's some sort of resistance to the idea of being gay or bi... which is why the masturbation testing is often effective, *if* you can look objectively at what's happening when you do that.

    That's probably the first step. Then, depending on what happens with that, you can interpret and think more about what it means for you.
     
  4. Investigating

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    That's a nice answer, thank you! :thumbsup: I liked your definition of bisexual, but heteroromantic, because one of my other biggest fear that I forgot to mention is that I could be deprived of living and sharing my life with a girl because of this bullshit. The fact that the girl I talked about supports the LGBT community made me more relaxed to explore these things that are bothering me. One day I even asked, "What if I'm not that straight, what if I'm bissexual, would you still be with me?", her answer was a big and comforting "of course!!". Why would I care about my sexuality when I have a person like her?
    All I can hope right now is that things keep working for us and that one day I can talk about these things without getting nervous :icon_wink

    ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2015 at 04:28 PM ----------

    That seems an interesting thing to do. Yes, I definitely have resistance to the idea of being gay. I don't care about being bi, because I do want a girl to be with me. And I enjoy sex with them a lot. But I'm pretty sure there are buried fears about liking man, this has been like a shadow following me. I'll try what you suggested, I'm becoming less fearful to explore all this. Thank you!!
     
  5. hiathaexpress

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    You're a lucky man for having a girl still be with you, support you even though you are bi.

    I was lucky enough to be with a girl too once who put a toy in me because I wanted her to. And she was more than willing to do it for me. She was a bit unsure if it indicated anything about orientation but she never said no.
     
  6. Mihael

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    You would be gay if your girlfriend (or any other girl) didn't turn you on or you found the experience flat. But it seems like it's not the case, is it?

    If you still love your girlfriend, there's not reason why you can't be with her :slight_smile: By the way, it's cool she's so supportive of LGBT.
     
  7. SumitaSofat

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    awesome post...........