Hi, although I've been quesioning my sexuality for a while now, I'm still confused as to whether I'm gay or bisexual. I say this because some days I'm really into women and not men and other days I'm really into men and not women. Other days I'm into both or occasionally I don't have much of a sex drive at all lol. I've made a couple of posts talking about how I'm gay, etc but maybe it's internalised biphobia which is forcing me to 'pick' straight or gay? P. S. Today I was really into guys. Could be different tomorrow haha I'd appreciate any advice
Hum.. based on what you're saying, you sound more bisexual than gay. When you think about either gender, do you think about them sexually, or do you only have sexual attractions to one gender?
Hi stevefs and emerry, thanks for the feedback In response to your question stevefs, the sexual attraction I feel towards men for example, does in fact seem to be very similar to the type of attraction I feel towards women, and vice versa. Although I don't necessarily feel attracted to both genders at the same time all the time, generally I feel as if I'm sexually attracted to both, so I guess I just answered both our questions haha.
You seem like you're bisexual to me I believe that sexuality is a fluid thing, and it isn't always black or white. Some like both black or white; some like black but can like white from time to time; some like black much more on some days and white much more on some days.
Hi BeckiWoopx, that definitely cleared up the confusion I was having. Sometimes I feel exactly like that haha Thanks for the advice.
I thought you were gay based on the description and discussion in the following thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/195607-gay-but-cant-f-accept.html. What has changed in the past few days? Do we need an intervention
Hi SiennaFire, to be perfectly honest, so did I. I don't really know what to think anymore. Basically I feel like maybe I'm trying to call myself bi in order to 'soften the blow' of being gay, if you know what I mean. It's like I can't fully accept I'm gay, so sometimes I try and convince myself I'm bi or something, so that there's a 'possibility' I'm straight. I do have feelings for women, but they are never as strong as the feelings I have for men. I like women, but just as friends. But I guess I'm just playing on that to try and pretend I'm anything but gay?? Without a doubt my thread history is a convoluted series of contradictory questions, but I guess it probably all comes down to the fact that I'm really struggling not to feel ashamed of being gay and denying that I am. Thanks for your concern SiennaFire
You need to think about where your thoughts on this lie outside of sexual fantasies. In other words, if that's true that you find yourself mostly feeling an attraction to other men I'd say that it's probably true what your saying that your primarily gay. Don't try to force yourself to like someone that you don't. If you feel that you just like women as friends, I'd say you aren't really interested in them. Sexual fantasies can often become very convoluted (for me at least), because they simply jump from one thing to another with little to no predictability. However, who you are in terms of where your attractions lie tends to stay constant throughout one's life (at least that's been the case with me).
Given the contradictory information in the threads, I'm going to throw 2 things out there for you to consider. First, have you taken Chip's masturbation challenge? This may help to bring clarity about your sexual orientation. Second, why do you feel ashamed about being gay? Where did you learn this lesson? I wrote up some of the things that helped me get over my own shame in a blog post http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/11706-healing-shame-being-bisexual-gay.html HTH
Thank you A25 and SiennaFire for your responses In regards to what you said A25 about attraction and sexual fantasies, etc, I can definitely relate to that. Although every now and then I do have random thoughts about a particular woman, etc, deep down I seem to be, like you suggested, primarily attracted to guys and I guess that does stay the same throughout life. Hi SiennaFire. No I haven't taken Chip's masturbation challenge, but it does seem a really useful way of getting a clearer picture of where my attraction lies. I'll give it a go. Personally, I think the biggest reason for why I feel so ashamed about being gay, is because I have to hide who I am from my family, friends and co-workers (plus general public) 24/7, and maintaining the facade of being a straight 19-year old male is not only mentally exhausting but it is confidence-destroying because I know deep down that the person I'm displaying to the world is not the real me :icon_sad: I like the thought of being with a guy and having sex with a guy, but simultaneously I feel a lot of shame due to the fact that I hide my real self so extensively. I think I learnt this lesson from childhood. Not from my family necessarily, because they've never been 'overtly' homophobic, but more from being at school as a kid, hearing words like 'fag', 'batty boy', 'queer', etc get thrown around to describe people like me as if we were pieces of shit and also how being different (in anyway to be honest, let alone gay), was a sure-fire way to be ostracised. Obviously I'm 19 now, but those childhood 'memories' have definitely shaped the way I see myself and my sexuality. That's why I want to start changing that perspective and view myself more positively I've had a brief look at your blog post and I will definitely spend more time having a good read through it, but unfortunately I'm a little pressed for time at the minute as I only really have this time of day to get on EC, so I'll have a proper look tomorrow Thanks again guys, I really appreciate your help :icon_wink
Hi mrbuddha123, In reading your reply, is it fair to assume that you are gay but need to work through the shame? Or do you think you're bisexual? If the former The Velvet Rage is as must read. It really helped me understand myself as a gay man in and out of the closet. TTYL
Check out http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2846524-post24.html. It seems you and Theshreks are facing similar issues with shame and internalized homophobia.
Hi SiennaFire, I would definitely say it's fair to assume that I need to work through the shame associated with my homosexual feelings, because whenever I do see a guy I like, I have this paradoxical feeling of attraction and guilt. It's confusing, because depending on the day, I'll either feel 'more gay' or 'more straight', etc and as a result, it seems like I try to desperately grasp at those experiences and apply a black-and-white label to them, hence the reason why in some posts I've said I'm gay and in others I've said I'm bi. I think that's probably the root of the confusion to be honest; the fact that I'm reluctant to accept I like guys, paired with the fact that I like girls to some degree. So to answer your question, I guess if I had to categorise myself, I'd say I'm 'bisexual', as I have strong feelings for guys, but also feelings for girls which can be just as strong as well. After reading over the previous threads and posts, I've came to that conclusion for now. I think in the meantime I need to do Chip's challenge and see where it goes from there. P.S. It definitely does seem that me and Theshreks are in the same boat. Thanks for your help SiennaFire
A lot of bisexuals do go through that period of indecisiveness, but for me it levelled off after awhile. I think the best way to sort this all out is to date people. You'll know who you like and if you find "the one", that will make finding your identity much easier.
I can relate to the Internalized homophobia and desire to be straight. I grew up in a conservative area in the previous generation with no positive gay role models. I learned that being gay was wrong and had a very strong desire to be "normal". I'm not entirely sure where these messages came from, nor does it really matter at this point. As a Kinsey 5, I had just enough opposite-sex attraction to convince myself that I was straight once I found a compatible woman. Once I accepted the transitional (at least for me) label "bisexual" I also experienced a period of flip-flopping sexuality where I embraced my gay side one minute and then vehemently denied it the next. The desire to be normal is a tough enemy to be sure. It may be better for you to get advice from people of your generation on how to accept yourself. My forcing function was a midlife crisis, and I'd hate for you to have to wait that long
mrbuddha123 We lost some of the exchange because of the EC data loss. Please remember the key takeaway - you can avoid a midlife crisis by working on accepting your sexuality today (&&&)
Haha I wondered why bits were missing :lol: Thanks very much SiennaFire, you've helped me tremendously
