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Questioning like crazy

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by rhoze, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. rhoze

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2015
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    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am a 22 year old woman, and for all my life, I have been confused about my sexuality.

    The past year and a half has sort of been a rebirth for me. I've recovered from mental illness, I've been building my self-esteem, and I've gotten rid of a lot in my life that has caused stress in the past. I'm trying more and more everyday to figure out who I am. I've come to the conclusion that I am not straight, though I don't know what I am.


    Here are several things which make me question my sexuality:

    The other day I remembered that my first sexual encounter was with a female friend at around age 9 or 10. It was so exhilarating. It happened on numerous occasions until one day when she tried to kiss me in front of other people. I distanced myself from her and out of shame and embarrassment told people that she was always coming on to me... I don't know if that excitement was there because it was my first sexual experience, or because I was in to girls.

    Last summer I was involved in a drunken threesome with a male friend and his female friend. I was open to sharing him, but had an extreme feeling of cognitive dissonance when it came to interaction with her. I believe she sensed it and kept her distance.

    A few months later, a friend I had come out to as questioning introduced me to a couple of her lesbian friends at a club. We made out the whole night and its a memory that remains in my mind to this day. I tried to connect with one of the ladies afterward, but I think she became disinterested with my nervously charged text conversations with her.

    I began chatting with another woman on ****** several months ago, and I had genuine interest in her, I was just too scared to take the plunge. She has a girlfriend now.

    I only remember having had 2 crushes throughout all of grade school. The first was in the 5th grade, and although I wouldn't say I remember finding him hot, I had a very child-like infatuation with him. His gestures, his kindness. He didn't act like the other guys. The second, in the 8th grade, I think I only had a crush on, because I had heard he had a crush on me. It felt surreal for someone to admire me since I was shy and had a very low self esteem back then.

    In middle school, my friends questioned my sexuality either based on the fact that I didn't have crushes, or possibly, catching on to something I couldn't see myself?

    In high school, I didn't date. I then lost my virginity at 18 to a guy I met at a club. I didn't have any sexual attraction to him at all. I just wanted to get rid of the virgin label. By now, I can say that I have slept with a number of men. Never in relationships. I've found myself zoning out a lot during sex, it feels like something is missing.

    I can get off to straight porn, I sometimes desire straight sex, but I don't think I can make the same emotional connections with men that I could with women. I don't believe in marriage, though could never imagine myself ever marrying a man. I've wrestled with the term bisexual, but I don't like the word, and have opted for fluid in the past. I don't feel like I could be taken seriously identifying as bisexual, particularly with lesbians. Maybe I'm lesbian? A pansexual? Maybe not? Maybe it's not a question I have to answer? It just feels like a pressing question in my mind that I don't know how to solve

    I come from an extremely Christian family. I told my mother several months ago that I did not share her views, and it has been very rough for her to come to terms with. She still will not accept it. I don't think she ever will. She wants to save me from "eternity in hell". That experience was like coming out. Though I think telling her I'm anything but straight will exacerbate the awkward home life tenfold. If I were to figure out my orientation, I would never be able to share this part of my life with family. I've heard coming out stories where people say they are surprised by how open minded their parents actually are, but in this case, I know they are not. I will just have to rely on the support of the few friends I have told.