Hi EC, I think it's been several months since I last properly made a post, so I decided I'd post an update. To sketch the background: I have been diagnosed with GAD, mild depression and mild ocd. Always thought I was straight (no indications of the opposite), thought I had a crush on a girl for the first time last year (although I'm still not sure what it was), and developed several other "crushes" after that. I put "crushes" bc I am not really sure. I've only felt that bolt of electricity with 2 guys, the spark so to speak, but not with girls. I thought I had a crush on this girl in my class, but each time I get to speak with her I evaluate my feelings (I'm an analytical person and probably on the asexual spectrum so I guess that explains it a bit, together with my anxiety), I come to the conclusion that she is a very pretty girl, prettier than the others (in my eyes), but it's like looking at a beautiful painting. I don't feel anything unless I hype myself up before seeing her - then I get knots in my stomach that can only be described as intense anxiety. It is also weird that I feel much less anxious when I'm feeling relatively good about myself as a person. I still compulsively overthink my attractions, but I can say that it's gotten a bit better. There's been a lot of very feminine girls that have come out as either bi or les lately, and everyone was hugely supportive (sexuality is a non-issue over here) so that makes me feel a bit better. At the moment I am just trying to be as open as possible, because I'm only 20 and still growing, learning and changing. The only thing that worries me a bit is that I've started to feel guilty when thinking about men. I worry that my attractions to either gender aren't valid some way or the other, it's really difficult to explain. It's as if I'm thinking, 'You don't even know what you are right now so you don't have the right to think about anyone!' Either way, sorry for the rant, and in conclusion: I could be anything. (!) Edit: Sometimes I also think that I'm not attracted to women as a gender, if that makes sense.
No, it doesn't go this way. There's no such abstract concept of being an orientation, orientation is only a descriptor. There's also no such thing as valid or invalid feeling. (although some feelings can be sometimes something else then they seem initially) You do what feels right and only then think what description it reassembles. Hence, if thinking about men feels right and genuine (if we put your fears aside), there's no reason why you should feel guilty about not being genuine in it. It's a bit of overthinking.
