I don't want to be gay. I really, really don't. I struggle with massive social anxiety and ADHD. I am weird and nervous all the time. I have enough to worry about. I don't also want to be gay. That's about it. And I try so hard, I tell people I am bisexual and have an open relationship with my boyfriend. I can have sex with men after drinking a lot, so I drink a lot. And I keep trying to enjoy one night stands. I feel so empty and unfulfilled. Now I am nearly 21, which means I have wasted 5 years of my life knowing but denying my true sexuality. I hate myself. I am currently studying abroad, which gives me the opportunity to analyze my life somewhat detached from it. I notice that I see women I like everywhere. I would never come up to one because I feel so predatory and disgusting. In order to feel wanted I go home with men. I thought I was doing okay but I am really not okay. I feel stuck and empty. Most of my friends are lgbtqa+ or allies, and everyone accepts me as a bisexual, but somewhere I have the idea that because I am such an anxious, weird person, being a lesbian is out of the question. I know it is flawed logic but I cannot handle the truth and I don't know why. My boyfriend knows I am way more into women than into men, I told him I am most likely 100% a lesbian, but he keeps holding on to me because he is as anxious about being alone as I am. He makes me feel guilty. I have tried breaking up with him two times, and wanted to do so even more but it never is the time, especially now that I am away. And I also greatly fear being alone, since I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I can't handle the unknown. I think I feel vulnerable when I would truly come out because then I could truly get hurt. I don't mind at all when people would call me a slut, but being called a disgusting dyke (which has happened, by a girl I liked, many years ago) hits so close to home. The only thing that keeps me going is that I have the vague idea that I will marry an amazing woman in the end. And we will adopt a lot of cats. And travel lots. It wouldn't matter that we are called lesbians. We would be happy. Writing about it is a relief. Gays, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals and transgender people who are out and accept themselves are heroes to me. I am still on my way. I hope to get there some day.
I understand you're plight... mostly. I've known I was gay since I was about 10 years old, the thought of being with a man disgusts me, but the thought of being with a woman... It's something that just makes my heart flutter with excitement. Both my parents are long dead, and I have no family to speak of. My only friends are online, and I can't even talk to people without wanting to throw up. I would never be able to ask someone out, so I often find myself wishing I was straight, because it seems so much easier to have guys hitting on you, than have to be the one to flirt. I am 23 now, and for the first time in my life, I am in a relationship. We've kissed, we've gone on dates, and I can actually see myself being happy. When I was your age (21) I honestly believed that things would never get any better. I cried myself to sleep every night, desperate to have someone, but too afraid to even talk to anyone. Life does get better, and things do sort themselves out eventually. Don't hate yourself, just take it one day at a time knowing that one day, all of your hardships will be rewarded!
What you describe is exactly what I meant. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, I needed to read that
In my experience, being out of the closet was SO much easier than being in it. Being out meant I got a bit of crap from people at school, but being closeted meant I was constantly catastrophising about how bad it would be if I came out. Working on accepting yourself and getting ready to come out is working on taking over control of that anxiety.
Hm you're right, I have general anxiety. I also need to watch my words every single moment of the day in order to not accidentally come out as gay (since I am in a relationship with a man). Being able to no longer having to think before I answer (and know I would lie) would help me so much. It's the same as what you're saying, being in the closet means constantly thinking about how horrible it would be once I come out. I have a lot of shared friends with my boyfriend, and I cannot predict how it is going to be once I come out. Breaking up, coming out and not having the emotional support I need from friends, I don't know how that will be. That is why I am postponing it so much. My boyfriend will visit me in a few days here in the other side of Europe. I will see how it will go.
