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I.. Really don't know.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Omni, Oct 31, 2015.

  1. Omni

    Regular Member

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    Hey, I.. made this account who knows how long ago. I had been having feelings of doubt that.. I wasn't well.. "normal." I don't really know how else to put it.

    A long while ago I had experienced feelings here and there that.. scared me, to say the least. Confused me. They would go away here and there and never were really.. serious.. but, here I find myself right back where I once started because I don't know who else to talk to.. and I really need to talk to someone..

    Today I had a party, a halloween party. It was amazing, of course, it was really just a few of my friends from that friend group I don't really talk to that much. Not many of us, just a few. I'm going to just make up a few names instead of using real ones. Firstly, there was Alice. She is bisexual, and really nice.. but.. also really.. erm.. sexual. Then there was her boyfriend Ryan. Lastly, there was this guy Jonny, who is gay. They are all amazing, nice people.

    Alice.. has some.. um.. fetishes.. and she is EXTREMELY open about them all, and, I am a very very shy person, and get embarrassed easily. She likes to joke around and have fun and tease others a lot. Though, being how I have had.. issues.. with questioning things and being deathly afraid of saying anything, she made those feelings come back again. She was acting very.. oddly, towards me. Jumping in my lap, calling me baby, whispering things in my ear. She was doing it all out of good fun and I would always just laugh (awkwardly) and go "Ryan control your woman" and we'd all laugh.

    But deep down it scared me so badly because it gave me weird feelings that just made me want to scream and cry because of how.. confused.. I am. The only thing that scared me worse is when Jonny gave me a look. LIke.. the kind of look that basically said "Are you.. I know that look" and it freaked me out.

    He's a sweet heart and if I wanted to, I could tell him anything. He joked around a lot because we were cuddling cause Alice and Ryan were on the other couch during a movie. And he was joking going "The gay guy and the lesbian cuddling. True love" and then would laugh and go "At least its true for the gay guy part" and give me a look.

    I don't know. I don't even know what to say about any of this but I am actually extremely terrified. I don't know how else to explain the feeling other than that. I don't know why I would feel so scared, but I do. I feel scared, confused, and lost and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to feel this way and I just want someone to make it all stop…
     
  2. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Hey there, honey. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling confused and frightened right now. *hug*
    So if I'm hearing you correctly, you're unsure about your sexuality, and by extension who you are, and that makes you scared? I can understand that. It's a scary place, questioning yourself.
    Could you maybe try to explain what you are feeling, as in what your thoughts regarding your sexuality are? Have you had any moments of same gender attraction in the past, for example, or anything else that might indicate what sexual orientation you have?

    I hope that helps! Hang in there, sweetie! It's going to be okay. :slight_smile:
    If you're looking for something to help calm you down, maybe this would help. It does for me! calm.com

    <3
     
  3. Omni

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    It's okay, it's not like it is your fault. It just.. it does scare me. And really, it just make me feel upset to the point that it gets my stomach all in knots thinking about it. Yes.. you understand that all right. I don't get it. I don't know if I particularly want to get it because I don't know how well I am going to like the answer.

    I don't know how to explain the feels really. It makes me feel scared and anxious, and all of her actions at the party just embarrassed me, though I played it off with my natural shyness. Part of me though, I fear kind of enjoyed that attention, and enjoyed her playing around like that and made me want to just joke around as well. But is just make my stomach get all up in knots, and I found it hard to.. keep a level head about it all. I've felt like I may have had brief moments of.. finding the same gender attractive on occasions, but.. got it was terribly so at this party and that scared me a lot..

    But.. thank you.. *hugs back* and, I think that little site was nice.. Nature sounds are a bit relaxing.
     
  4. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    They are, right? ^_^
    It is hard to keep a level head sometimes. You've been questioning for some time then, seeing as you made this account in the summer of 2014?
     
  5. Omni

    Regular Member

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    Yeah.. I mean.. I made this account.. forever ago.. because I went through.. kinda this time where I was confused.. but.. those feelings came and went.. they never really were that significant.. but.. lately its becoming more and more often.. and its scaring me and I obviously have no one to talk to about it.. and.. I remembered about this site.. and.. figured that it was probably the best place to even think about talking to someone..
     
  6. Invidia

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    That sounds like a good decision. :slight_smile: If there's anything on your mind, you're very welcome to talk about it here.

    ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2015 at 05:30 AM ----------

    If you want advice, I can give some advice, of course, though I wouldn't be sure if it would be helpful. ^^