So I joined this site at the start of 2013 when I was going through a phase of thinking I may be gay(although I'd been having these feelings for years earlier). For years I've sort of had a cyclic pattern of feeling like a was gay then retreating back into my closet for a while before the feelings re-emerge. Lately the feelings that I may be really attracted to men have been coming more frequently, I find myself not really being interested in women at all and even just getting butterflies and feeling generally content just imagining having a guy to cuddle up to and watch movies. I think I've been struggling with my own internal homophobia for years and this feels like it may finally be a turning point where I can accept myself for who I feel I am. Guess I was just wanting to know, has anyone especially people who may of been a bit internally homophobic had the same cycle and how did you feel when you finally found self acceptance?
I'm happy for you that you have reached this point of nearing self acceptance. It's an important stage and I hope you reach a point of complete self acceptance soon. It takes real courage to work through it all and embrace yourself. I'm proud of you and I hope you keep going. Alright, so to answer your questions. I feel like, whilst I wasn't necessarily internally homophobic, I did go through a few cycles of internal denial and excuse-making. A lot of thoughts that stemmed off of me having believed from a young age (and who can blame me, honestly) that heterosexuality is the norm and default for everyone, myself included. Obviously that isn't true at all, but that mindset spun me through quite some loops during my questioning process. I'm not gay, so I'll focus just on the same-sex attractions part rather than the bisexual part, as it seems more relevant here to do so. When I had same-sex attractions, at the start what I went through were a million excuses like "this isn't real. This is just an exception. This is just a phase, ignore it, it'll pass. You're still straight, duh. This doesn't mean anything." Most of them were more unconscious, rather than deliberate thoughts. At first, they were comforting. Being in denial meant that I could like girls as I wished, but since they "don't mean anything" (they really did though), at the same time I could still cling onto the belief I was straight- somehow...for a long time that's what I did. Eventually those invalidating thoughts were less comforting. I couldn't retreat back into my own little closet anymore, couldn't hide and let my feelings hibernate. Same sex attractions began to emerge more frequently, and just daydreaming about having a girlfriend began to feel great, and something that I really desired. When I genuinely started to want to accept my same-sex attractions instead of repressing them and invalidating them, those kind of thoughts became anxiety inducing and terrible to live with. I had a lot of doubts. Quite a few cycles, where I went back and forth and back and forth between acceptance and denial and excuses and doubts. It went on for a while. You could say my same sex attractions circled; they appeared, then sort of faded into the background as I pushed them back with my doubts, then appeared and became more consistent as I began to accept them more. Eventually I accepted that I really am attracted to women, the idea of being with girls was not only exciting, but something that I want, and my attraction to them not something I can control. They were and are real- not a phase, not anything else. Just a natural part of me. Self acceptance feels great, by the way. It might be hard to get there, but ultimately when you accept yourself for who you are and be able to be open to yourself at the very least, you will feel the best in the long run.
Thanks, probably should clarify when I say internal homophobia I mean it in the literal sense of the word where I'm scared of the fact that I may be gay, not that I'm against homosexuality as a whole. That sounds similar to what I'm feeling where instead of doubting the feelings when they come I'm finding them comforting now. Good to know it's not unusual and that the shortening cycle can mean slowly finding self-acceptance.
