This has been a really long and painful year for me so far. For the past few months I've really been questioning my sexuality. When I was younger I was attracted to men's faces (I'm a girl), but never really interested in anything else. When I got slightly older I liked some boys and was even attracted to them, I only ever thought about boys, had a few boyfriends. I also, according to my diaries, was interested in sex and used to imagine myself as Bella from Twilight, doing that kind of thing with Edward (embarrassing but relevant). However, I still always questioned myself because all my female friends were interested in mens bodies and I just honestly didnt care about that. When I got older (I'm 19 now) I majorly fancied male celebrities, and I got with my serious boyfriend, who I'm still with. I was attracted to this boy literally from first sight, and experienced being, what I'd define as 'turned on' for the first time when we were kissing. I've been sexually active with him now for a long time, and although I find him attractive and I love looking at him and feeling him, I never desire sex with him or anyone else, but I enjoy sex when we have it. Recently though, a female youtuber I looked up to came out as gay, and it sent me spinning and I dont know why. Possibly because I am never really interested in any men when I go out, even when I wasnt with my boyfriend, and dont desire sex from them, even though I am definitely interested in having emotional romantic relationships with men and desire to kiss them and rarely am attracted to some of their bodies (hence my boyfriend) but I NEVER EVER desire sex and could never have a one night stand. I do sometimes, however, experience feelings when I see naked women on social media. I dont even know whether these are sexual, and I do not desire sex and definitely can never see me having a romantic relationship with a woman. Furthermore, I have never been attracted to a woman in real life, ever, where I have been with men. But even with all of this, I am still not highly sexual with men or women, and since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, the sexual appetite I had with my boyfriend has almost completely gone, and although I love being physically intimate with him, sex is rarely something I actively seek (although I have with him). I never want to be pursued by men, only rarely when I wasnt in a relationship. I am very much in love with my boyfriend and committed, I'm just confused right now and wondering why I'm suddenly experiencing strange feelings towards women exclusively on social media sometimes stronger than what I've experienced for men in real life, although I've never been attracted to a woman in real life and wouldnt want a romantic relationship with a woman. Basically I dont know if im bi, bi-curious, grey or ace, but it's kind of tearing me apart and I dont know why. I just can't stop thinking about it, and my anxiety is just making my mind spin out of control and I do not want this to ruin my relationship. I've been open with my boyfriend about this, I just feel like I need to speak to someone who has been though times when they've questioned their sexuality too.
Since you say you have never ever desired sex, you sound asexual to me. For romantic orientation, you say you wouldn't want a romantic relationship with a woman, that sounds like heteroromantic. So, heteroromantic asexual. That's what it sounds like to me.
Thank you, YinYang. I think maybe that I am asexual, as I've never really been attracted to people's bodies. I just don't understand my feelings for women right now. I see women online and I'm not sure if I feel attracted to them, but I can fantasise about both men and women, however, I am only attracted to men in real-life situations, and to even think about sex it has to include feelings, as it does with my boyfriend. I keep thinking that I might be gay but I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman; every encounter with women in real-life situations has been purely platonic. However, I saw something called the 'beach test' and I guess I look at men less, I can admire women's curves but I wouldn't feel like pursuing it, ever. I think personality comes into it because if I'm attracted to celebrities in a way that I know I'd want to pursue them, if it were viable, it's also because of what they do and who they are, and this level of fantasising only occurs with (very few) male celebrities. But I can see pictures of women and sometimes feel... something, down there, but I don't even know what it is. A lot of the time I just think it'd be nice to look at, not do anything with, even though lately I've had some random dreams and fantasies. Also, a lot of the time, when I see these female celebrities on instagram, even if I do feel a confusing sensation it usually ends in me thinking 'I wish I looked like that' rather than 'I'd like to fuck her'. I'd never pursue a woman in real life, as I've said; I've never had the desire to. the few times I've felt genuinely and truly attracted to a person in a real-life situation, it's been boys. I think a lot of this may come from the fact that I can't reach climax from penetration (TMI but I'm evaluating everything at this point) and can only reach it if my boyfriend uses his hands or oral on my actual clitoris. Penetration feels good for a while and if my boyfriend even kisses me or touches me in some way I crave it. Just recently I feel so unfulfilled, and I feel like a lot of this comes down to the fact that, most of the time, I see sex as more of a hassle than anything else, and though I enjoy the intimacy and sensations. I just don't understand and my depression and anxiety are making it so much worse. I feel so isolated and sad, like I'm in a bubble. This is all so sudden and confusing and no label seems to fit and I just want to be happy with my boyfriend and be able to sleep at night not wanting to cry about this, as well as feeling pressured to be attracted to EVERY male even aesthetically over a woman, not even sexually, even though I know 99% of the time I wouldn't feel anything anyway, even if I wasn't questioning my sexuality. I just want to be the assured me that I was a few months ago who was crazy about her boyfriend. I still love him, but sexually, I don't know who I am anymore and I'm losing my mind.
Honestly we are similar in a lot of ways. I suffer from anxiety and just started recently questioning my sexual orientation. In have never been sexually attracted to women, but for some reason now I asked myself " are you checking out women because You are admiring or bc you want to sleep with them?" ... My feelings tell me I'm just looking at them cause I i"' I'm admiring in that I wished I looked like you but my thoughts tell me something else. I think a part of this stems from my expectations of sex. Like you I have never experience an O with penetrative sex only through oral and fingers. My sex drive is very low. When I was a Virgin I had very big expectations of sex maybe from watching too much porn lol so when i did have it it was such a dud!!! I mean it did get better, and I do enjoy when I'm having it, but I don't ever really seek it and it's not a big deal too me like to other people. So sometimes I've wonder if sex with a women would finally give me that porn like sex I always imagined but I still have no interest in actually wanting to persue a woman. I think you can find women much more appealing to stare at than men. Honestly I just think we are the sexier sex... I don't think that necessarily makes you gay. I can only tell you that it is a daily struggle, overthinkig, so right now just trying to shut my brain out and let myself feel.. That's all I can tell you isnto feel but not overanalyze those feelings. That is what gives us the anxiety.
