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Help? :( Bi/pan WWYD:(

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by clcls, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. clcls

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Michigan
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm sorry for the novel but I'm in extremely desperate need of help and have basically no one to go to.. So here it is.

    Summary of my past:
    •been bi as long as I can remember & used to be a big part of my identity. At first I was terrified and went back and forth but I think that's mostly due to how I was raised.
    •had a horrible relationship with a girl when I was 15. I was absolutely in love with her but she used me to get attention. She was straight.
    •I haven't been with a girl since. Had plenty of crappy straight relationships since then & lost my virginity.
    •realized at 17 that I'm pan
    •im now 20 and have been with my current boyfriend for about a year. We just got a place and a cat. We love each other and have discussed marriage and kids.

    The problem: the past 6ish months we've barely had sex (my preference). We basically only have sex every couple of weeks because I feel bad that he's going without and when we do, I get so uncomfortable I cry. I've basically lost all my sexual attraction towards males & can't get girls out of my mind. At first I thought I was just losing my interest in sex but that's not the case. & I've always been sexually attracted to both sexes but lately it's like 100% switched over to girls. But I still love my boyfriend. I think.

    I don't know if I'm afraid of throwing everything my boyfriend and I have away, or if I'm afraid of the lesbian side of me because it's been so long & the past disappointments, or if I'm afraid my sexuality will eventually change again.. I hate hurting people & hate wasting their time. I've never only specifically liked one gender until now.

    I don't know what to do. I don't think I ever told my boyfriend I wasn't straight because it never really got brought up and I hadn't been with a girl in 4 years when we met. The other night I asked him if I "was gay because I don't like penis" because I cried during sex again. He kind of brushed it off but brought it back up today and I don't know what to say.

    Also sex isn't a make or break or anything - I couldn't care less about sex. It's just that I can tell I've changed/am changing and we agreed that it doesn't make sense to stay together if I don't like dudes.

    What would you do/what should I do?
    Please and thank you in advance for any advice/input/support!! :help:
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My first impulse would be to ask what happened 6 months ago that you started feeling differently than you currently do. For such a drastic change - to suddenly not be attracted to a person that you were previously in a sexually active and fulfilling relationship with (I mean sexually fulfilling - not implying that the relationship isn't otherwise meaningful even now, because obviously it is) - for this to happen, I'd imagine that something changed, even if slight or internal, that changed your feelings on the matter. If that's the case, any idea what that might have been?

    Otherwise, it sounds like you have some very open communication with this guy, and that he's being very patient and understanding with you, which certainly helps. Keep being open and honest - forcing yourself to have sex to the point where you're in tears isn't going to help you get to a place where you can feel good about the relationship, including any sex, again. In the meantime, if this is causing you to feel stressed, it might be worthwhile pursuing a counselor (perhaps just for yourself for now, not necessarily as a couple, unless they think it would be worthwhile).