Every time I think I got it, I doubt myself again

Hello,

Maybe you're trying too hard? Perhaps stop 'looking' and just let it come to you.

This is the advice people give when someone's looking for a relationship, so it might work for sexuality too.

 

First of all, no problem. There is never a requirement to have kissed anyone or dated anyone to be able to be sure somewhere down the line of your sexuality.

This is really normal in the questioning process too. If you're discovering and figuring out your sexuality it may suddenly open up what were possibly repressed or subdued attractions or feelings towards guys, and those might be very strong and overwhelming, and henceforth maybe even anxiety inducing at first- all those emotions may or may not overpower what you feel or don't feel for girls even if you do feel something for them (and I don't know if you do). This can make whatever you feel or don't feel towards girls at the moment very confusing, and trying to figure out whether they're genuine or not is something I did (well, something I did towards guys. I found out they were genuine, but maybe you'll find something different). You might be bisexual, or you might be gay. I don't know your full story and I can't say for you, but this is something that will become more clear to you over time. My personal advice is, explore your feelings for guys first, and see where your feelings towards girls may go after that. It was easier for me to explore how I felt for guys after I knew for sure that I was attracted to and interested in women; once I was confident in that, it was easier to explore everything else- though that's just my personal story.

I don't think it's unusual that you couldn't really picture yourself with a guy until your sudden realization. We're raised in a society that doesn't typically normalize same-sex attractions or same-sex relationships as even a possibility or something to desire- well, in some areas/environments, depending on where you are and how you grew up-so picturing yourself with a guy might not have felt easy at first. But you did realize something recently, and maybe that's why it's easier to explore your feelings for guys now- sometimes we just reach a certain point where things we've hidden or didn't know about ourselves sort of reveal themselves. Take your time exploring your feelings/attractions towards men, and don't worry about how hard or easy it was for you to see yourself with a guy before. Just think about yourself with a guy now, or in the future- who you are attracted to, who you want to be with romantically and sexually. I'd suggest that looking at pictures of people- while that might be useful- may not be the best way to go about it. Sometimes our anxiety gets in the way, so if that works, sure, but I'll also suggest you think about who you want to be with, and explore it from different perspectives if you want.

I highly doubt you're faking it, though that was a major doubt I had too when I was questioning (clearly, that doubt was false, as I am far from being straight). You may or may not have a lot of doubts during the process; it's pretty normal from what I've seen. My mind fought back a lot during my questioning process despite me really hating that it did that. Just know that doubts like that are rarely significant- just accept that they're there, that you will have some worries during this, but move on. You do need time to get comfortable with all this, as it's probably a big step for your mind in figuring out this part of your identity, and with significance comes anxiety and second guessing sometimes. But the more tiring parts of all this won't last forever. Explore what makes you happy and comfortable, rather than trying to force something this way or that, or worrying that you're forcing something or blocking something out. Let yourself relax and give yourself time and space if and when you need it. A lot of worries will clear by themselves as time goes on. If you like guys, you like them. Sometimes there's no deeper explanation for that. If it makes you happy, explore it and go for it.

When I first started questioning everything felt forced. Although I liked girls and I liked thinking about them, even fantasizing about having a girlfriend felt like I was deliberately forcing something, even though I wasn't. I just really liked doing so, especially since I had never let myself do that before. I desperately wanted to accept my attraction towards women, and since it was just beginning to be clear to me that I liked them, everything was so overwhelming and I dove into it headfirst so quickly I did feel like I was forcing everything. But I wasn't. It was just that it was hard for me to accept at first, and my mind wasn't used to it, and I had this constant tug of war with my doubts that felt like I was forcing things a certain way when I was just trying to validate them. Whether or not my experience is your experience, check out guys when you want to, but you don't have to check them out 100% of the time, and you don't have to not look at girls either. Let go of the idea that there are certain things you need to do or certain ways you need to act that "qualify" you for being gay, or bisexual, or anything. You do you, labels fall into place after that. I don't check out girls that often. I don't check out guys that often either, but I know I'm bisexual and attracted to girls and guys and really all genders. I just don't need to do anything to show myself that because I already know that. If you're newly questioning it may be hard for anything to feel natural because there's a tendency to try to prove this thing and that thing, try and disprove this doubt and that doubt, and trying to fit into a label- and even if that label is right for you, pushing yourself into imposed limits at first may not be helpful. All of that is so normal but can also cause a whole lot of anxiety, which may be why it's hard to feel natural right now.

Like I said, don't worry about what you do at the moment. If you check out someone, go ahead, they look great, fine. Acknowledge that and continue on with your life- there's not always a need to analyze it or what it means for now. Once you look a bit more into what you want and who you are attracted to without putting the pressure to know for certain on yourself at this point, and take your time with that, some things will really quite normally fall into place over time as your mind works with it and accepts it. Seriously. Sometimes you don't even need to do anything. But if you do want to do something, like I said- go with what makes you comfortable, and there is no need to overanalyze every action. You don't need to know for sure right now. Pieces fall into place over time, and while seeking an answer is perfectly fine, letting those pieces reveal themselves and slide into place as the time comes is perfectly fine too. Watch some LGBT+ media, read some stories of people figuring things out, imagine what you want for yourself in the future, the happier things. The doubts, the pressure to know for sure, the "is this real" and "I need to know for sure if this means anything or not," is something so normal and something that happened to me too- but they're not going to ruin you nor are they more significant than the feelings you have and the attractions you have, and the answers that will come to you. Sometimes those kinds of doubts just drift in and out as you try and figure things out- they're not going to dictate your life or your sexuality. You take your own time with this, and let those kinds of doubts and pressure to force yourself to do this or that be as they are. They don't define you.

And I doubt there are that many people that questioned really hard and then realized it was nothing. But there are plenty who may have had those doubts. I had my questioning phase, but as it turns out, it wasn't nothing.

Good luck. Sorry for rambling, I'm super sleepy but I saw your post, had personal experience and input, and wrote all of that out in a train of thought. If you need anything cleared up let me know. Also, I really hate that this seems like self advertising but I swear it's not- I wrote a blog post that you may or may not be able to relate to. It's really about as long and tedious as this, and whether or not you read it is totally up to you. But I think it might help you and that's why I'm linking you to it. Your story is your own, but if my experiences help you or provide some comfort in any way, then all the better.

Hope all this helps though in some way.

 

No worries, I'm glad it could help...and I do have a tendency to go on and on, so I'm impressed you were able to read through it :lol: Both short and long answers have their usefulness of course.

It might take some trying and some time, but I'm sure you'll get there. Take care (*hug*)

 

Have you thought about spectrums and fluidity? I don't like thinking of sexuality in "phases" but rather that it can be a fluid thing. I learned a lot by watching some excellent informative videos from LGBT YouTubers. Maybe try searching there for things like ABCs of LGBT. Those types of videos really helped enlighten me when I knew there was more than just "gay or straight" out there but didn't really know much more about it. Not saying that you can't be just straight or gay or whatever you find yourself to be, but having more background information helped me on my journey so maybe it could help you, too.

 

I know exactly how you feel and seeing that others are going through the same thing as me is very reassuring.

When I first fell for my friend, I did a lot of telling myself "Nah! What you're feeling isn't actually attraction. You just love her platonically. Stop scaring yourself!" I have finally accepted that I really am attracted to her but now I fluctuate between being certain that I like women and telling myself that I just happen to like her but really I like men (despite the fact that I've really never had what I've identified as a crush on a man).

Like you, I feel "blushier" around the opposite sex (men) but for some reason find it very difficult to tell whether I actually have any sort of attraction towards them or if it just has to do with conditioned heteronormative expectations. And still, I haven't been able to let go of the hope/feeling that I just haven't met the right guy and that, someday, Mr. Right will come along.

 

You worded the opening post really well...

Im 21 and went throgh what sounds like a similar process to you earlier this year.

I did the "realised i had no crush so picked one" as well, then she moved down my road and I my mates kept trying to get me to talk to her but i just didnt want to for some reason

also what you posted (quoted below)

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I had also contemplated for AGES and still do slightly as I havnt had much interaction with either sex. ( been with 1 guy who i dont think was even gay - he didnt get very.... arroused is the bestof putting it)

I think what makes me still question is that Ive seen mental illness studies where people have thought all kinds of strange thing. Like they fall in love with trees and stuff. I still really like women but arrousal just says it all and im pretty much certain im just gay.. homosexuality was too obviously a big part of my life I was blocking out.

---------- Post added 10th Nov 2015 at 05:33 PM ----------

I feel different when Im around women, like I feel I should be more protective and just use nicer words and that sort of thing. Like, not even just in a polite way... when im with a girl, especially a really pretty one, I want to make her feel special so try to just use more colorful and acceptable language. i have isuses tho
<3<3

 

I can relate with this. I've put way too much pressure in defining myself, but the truth is that people are complicated. Many, many things go into what makes you, you. Don't put so much emphasis on labeling yourself, but just go with what you feel inside. The best relationships always come into my life when I'm NOT looking. Of course they do, because then you can know they occurred naturally and organically, and weren't expected to become something you engineered from ideals. Often, the things that make us the most fulfilled aren't exactly as we imagined them to be. And releasing the pressure you put on yourself will be very liberating.

Don't worry, if it's right, you'll feel it.