Hi all I have been with my fiance for 18 months.. we are both 30.. in the beginning of our relationship things sexually were good.. one night while drunk in a hotel room he confided to me that he had had a relationship with a man and had slept with men.. i was stunned.. and tried to ask about it.. and he closed up and said multiple times.. im not gay im not ..and that was it.. he refused to talk about it anymore.. he became quite stressed and upset .. saying now i had this dirt on him and if we broke up one day i could tell everyone.. that the things he had told me he has never ever told a soul.. i assured him i wouldnt tell anyone.. on another date night a hotel.. we went out into the city.. and had dinner, drinks.. well he ended up dragging me to a gay sauna i went along because i thought well he has confided this in me..if i say no i do not want to go.. he wont trust me again.. i was the only woman there and i felt replused.. not because it was a gay sauna.. i'm not into that sex with stangers and watching people thing.. it's not who i am.. i have never ever felt so uncomfortable.. and i felt freaked out that he even knew that place existed .. i made it clear that i would never ever go there again.. which he seemed disappointed about. he also told me.. that after he and his last gf split up... he went onto craiglist and found a couple for a threesome.. a female and a male.. he has had relationships with women.. but has also had sex with men.. he has been to gay saunas.. and god knows what else.. he is very against homosexuality and spouts religious BS.. which i find laughable and confusing seeing as how he has had sex with men and his own mother.. who i utterly adore and think is one of the kindest loveliest human beings i have ever met..is a lesbian and has been with a woman for 20 years.. our sex life has gone down the toilet.. the last 6 months it has just gotten worse and worse.. we have had sex twice in 3 months.. he avoids being alone with me.. he treats me like a room mate.. he is depressed, moody grouchy and bites my head off all the time.. there is zero affection .. i said to him yesterday I want to go to a hotel this weekend.. he said no.. lets do something else. i said wtf is wrong with you why are you so frigid.. he snapped back.. maybe i don't want sex.. maybe i have zero sexual desire.. and walked off.. is he gay? is that why he doesn't want to touch me, kiss me or have sex with me? i can't take being neglected anymore
It is not for anyone but your fiance to know how he identifies his sexual orientation. I think it sounds like he is confused and could benefit from gentle support. I wouldn't push him too hard about coming out as gay or anything else. People should be able to discover themselves at their own pace. However, it doesn't sound like it is a great relationship for you at the moment so I would encourage you to do what is best for you. You don't deserve to have your head bitten off and snapped at for wanting the relationship you started with.
i don't what to do i miss him so much.. he isnt the same person anymore and i truly with all my heart love him.. but i am so unhappy.. and i feel so neglected and ignored and it's hurting me so deeply.. i'm crying all the time and i can feel myself starting withdraw and shut down.. i'm worried that he is gay and i will waste my life.. that things are never going to change.. but i'm at a loss as to how to change things with someone who has just shut me out completely.. i dont know what to do...
In my honest opinion, I do think he is gay. Though, I also think he loves you. Just because he is gay doesn't change the fact that he confides in you and cares about you. I think he is struggling with his desires. Do I think he desires you? Maybe. He could possibly be attracted to men, and is stressing out so much about it that he has distanced himself from you. This is a touchy subject, but I know that if I were you, I would want an honest answer, even if it hurts. Maybe you should take a break from him for a bit. People really don't know what they've got till it's gone. It will also give you two a chance to think and clear your heads.
It sounds like this relationship is hurting you. I'm not saying break up with him, because I know how hard that can be after you have invested so much time and emotion into a relationship, but maybe take a break. Clear your head, think about things objectively, and then maybe see if you want to give it another try. To me, it sounds like he is gay and neck-deep in denial, which means it's something for him to work out on his own and not really anything you can help him with except to give him space to figure out what he wants.
Im not sure, but life is about being happy and if you aint happy with him and dont seem to able to work with him to fix any problems, then i wouldnt see the point in carrying on. Communication and truthfulness is key and he needs to be open about it. I wish i could give some practical advice to help with this. He sounds gay to me based from what you have written. Esepecially got that from the "no sexual desire" thing :/. But then only he knows and its easily possible for him to have other issues going on in his head. You need to talk with him or at least someone in your life about these worries of spending your life with someone whos gay etc.
It seems clear that you love each other but that something is in need of attention in your relationship. Joe Kort ( a qualified psychologist) has written a book called "Is My Husband Gay?" and he also has a website called straightguise - about men who have sex with men. There are many reasons why straight men have sex with other men. Of course he may be gay or bi or mostly heterosexual. He could also be dealing with some pain through childhood abuse (whether he remembers it or not). What matters is that he is someone you love and you could help him better understand himself. AND it also matters that you need to love yourself and look after yourself. Nobody likes or deserves to be treated the way you describe. It is your choice. Whatever you do it won't be easy or painless but talking through stuff openly can be an enormous relief and a way to move forward. Keep getting support - plenty of people here will listen. All the best.
It seems clear that you love each other but that something is in need of attention in your relationship. Joe Kort ( a qualified psychologist) has written a book called "Is My Husband Gay?" and he also has a website called straightguise - about men who have sex with men. There are many reasons why straight men have sex with other men. Of course he may be gay or bi or mostly heterosexual. He could also be dealing with some pain through childhood abuse (whether he remembers it or not). What matters is that he is someone you love and you could help him better understand himself. AND it also matters that you need to love yourself and look after yourself. Nobody likes or deserves to be treated the way you describe. It is your choice. Whatever you do it won't be easy or painless but talking through stuff openly can be an enormous relief and a way to move forward. Keep getting support - plenty of people here will listen. All the best.
