As the title says, I'm having trouble figuring out my sexuality. In a previous thread, I had came to the conclusion that I was gay; now I'm reassessing myself again because I'm not sure if that statement was accurate. Generally, I have these phases where at one end, I feel fully comfortable accepting the label of "gay" and at the other end, I'm still convinced that I'm lying to myself, and that I really just "conditioned" myself to feel gay (as in, having almost completely homoerotic thoughts and desires for the last few years has led me to believe that I am gay). It's hard for me to tell which side is the truth, likely due to my biases and other complex ideals. It probably doesn't help being a porn addict, but I prefer watching males. I also find that my interest in women seems to be primarily aesthetic (as in "I really love how her face looks"), while my fantasies with guys seem to be much stronger and more intense in comparison. I feel as if I'm turning myself off to women on purpose to single out guys and that in itself is repression, although truthfully I never cared about or paid attention to attractions for the majority of my childhood. So I'm not sure where to go from here. I consider that it may be possible to be bisexual in case some girl comes along and makes me rethink my current state of mind. I obsess thinking about my attractions daily and now I feel bad for looking at guys in that way, especially those who I consider good friends (could I just be forcing myself to do this because I think I am gay and really just haven't found the right woman?). And of course I dislike showing vulnerability to other people so I keep all these thoughts to myself and disperse them on the Internet which is why they seem jumbled. I'm just loaded with so much internal conflict right now and I don't know what to do.
First off, there is nothing wrong with either orientation. I had an idea of what it meant to be gay, but didn't think it applied to me because I just didn't fit the stereotype. I'm out as gay, but more specifically Kinsey 5. You just need to stop thinking about this and take it a day at a time. Although, this is much easier said than done. Back when I kept questioning, I wanted all the questioning to end, kind of like waking up from a bad dream. Stop reassessing yourself; whatever you're doing, STOP. Don't think about it, just acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, and refrain from labelling as this only confused yourself even more. You don't have to do anything right now, probably best not to do anything actually. What are your hobbies? Goals in life? Career? You are no different than the person you walk by down the street; that person is not defined by their orientation. I will say this, though. Aesthetic attraction is what many gay men can agree on, and fantasies wise consists of men. I think, truth be told (and this applies to me), if you've never found pleasure in masturbating to women, chances are you are not straight or bisexual.
You sound like me a year ago aha. I now call myself gay but also identify as bisexual on nights out. Im fairly misogynistic so I don't get along with women. Even If fantasy they just end up making a mess of the situation. but when I go out I chase women at bars. I like to make them laugh and have a good time. but tbh, i know what I'd prefer
I was in your shoes several years ago, very confused as the result of a lifetime of repression and "wanting to fit in," for lack of a better explanation. From everything you've written above, it sounds like you're gay. It seems like you don't have any real sexual attraction to women. There are a lot of gay guys, myself included, who have just enough of an attraction toward women to be able to date them, perhaps even have sex. But something always seems to be lacking. You force yourself into an attraction that isn't really there. In my case, looking back on it now, I realized I never really initiated sex with women. Nor did I ever really think about my girlfriends for long periods of time. They didn't dominate my fantasies, I didn't lust after them. But I didn't realize this until I finally started kissing/other things with guys. That cognitive dissonance wasn't there. There wasn't this feeling of something always feeling "off." It didn't feel wrong. After I broke up with my first boyfriend, I was still closeted to virtually everyone and my friend begged me to go to a strip club with him. That was the moment that forever made me realize I wasn't bi. He offered to buy me a lap-dance and I hesitantly accepted. I hated every second of it. That same feeling came rushing back to me of "THIS. FEELS. WRONG." but because I now knew how right it felt being with guys, it hit me ten-fold. I still think women are beautiful, I can get a little-bit turned on by them at certain times, but truthfully I don't have any real sexual attraction toward them the way my straight or bi friends do. I realize now that I'm gay. And I always have been.
Wow, the data loss really brought this up to the front. :icon_redf Hey. I remembered what you posted a few days ago and replied that I should really just forgo the labeling idea, and it's definitely challenging to try to "accept" my thoughts and feelings sometimes. The thing is, sometimes I don't know if what I'm feeling is either a real attraction to someone or just some obsession I'm forcing myself to think. I'll just give an example: I joined my college's cricket team a few months ago. Being a new member, I've had to practice and get advice from the other members. During practice, when I'm getting special attention from a team captain or another teammate, I can't help but feel a little lightheaded when they're telling me how to bowl or bat. It's like I'm listening to what they're saying, but also I'm thinking about them; how they're holding my hands/arms when they're showing me the motions, their closeness in proximity to me, and heck, on rare occasions, even their breath! But this isn't me. Rather, this is some juvenile kid who doesn't know how to pay attention and focus on getting better. And then it's a domino effect; I keep sizing up most of the men I see on a daily basis. Honestly, I don't know if this is how straight guys feel when they think about chicks, but this is still alarming for me as I've managed to avoid thinking about people for most of my childhood. I wouldn't say I've never found pleasure when masturbating to women. When I first discovered porn (roughly around puberty), women were the main gender (although I guess I did have some fantasies about male/male before then). Then, it slowly devolved into almost purely gay porn and me having same sex fantasies 95% of the time for the last few years. You're definitely right when you say that I should be focusing on other things, it's just that I often can't stop thinking about these idealizations, even when doing other things! This is what I would've expected. But I can't admit or come to terms with it though (if I really am gay). I can admit, however, that females (and the idea of being with one in the future) just pale in comparison for the most part. Interesting, because I definitely can relate to much of what you said, especially your realization towards the end. In my thoughts the idea of being with a guy is much more satisfying. It just feels more...normal? I'm just worried that maybe I'm hyping myself up for nothing. As in, what if having sex for the first time isn't that great? Or just a general relationship? Would I ever be comfortable in my attractions to do anything, or would I just choose to become and remain celibate? Maybe I'm not as interested in mean as I believe I am? I see multiple roads in front of me, but each of them leads to conflict at some point. Of course, I'm still thinking about the disadvantage being a POC as well as having at least half my family members be anti-gay. I don't know. I feel as though I lost my chance to become part of any "community," and not having most of my family with me on this path I might as well just live my life alone (not that that's particularly a bad thing, I grew up like this anyway).
To a large extent I feel you are suffering from guilt and repression! It's OK to condition yourself to be gay if it comes to that! Because your mind is conditioning yourself to be gay coz you are gay! Now the more you over think this the harder its going to be for you to 'decide'. if not completely accept that you are gay, just think you are homoflexible and if I right girl comes along then things could change, and leave it at that ! Remember it's OK to be gay or bi or choosing to be anything as long as you are having a good time ! You don't have to conform to labels! After all, what Is the theme of LGBT? Accepting the diversity and variety in humans!
Sounds similar to my experience. I think there's definitely a big element of overthinking too much about what to call myself. Maybe this is happening with you too. Don't put to much pressure with a label. What really matters is going with what feels right to you.
