This is all new, and a little confusing...

I apologize for how long this is going to be, I have a lot to get through, for you all to properly understand. It's just how my brain works, so bare with me. ^_^;

So, I'm 29 years old. I've considered myself to be heterosexual my entire life. However, I've also considered myself to be panromantic for the same time period, though, I didn't know what to call it, until about a year ago. Ever since I learned, as a kid, that it was possible to fall in love with any gender, I've always said that I don't care about looks, or background, or gender, if the personality is there, I don't see why I can't fall in love with a person. Upon reaching sexual maturity, however, there was a caveat added, that sex was going to be another kettle of fish. I liked girls, plain and simple. I had several crushes throughout my school years, up through high school, all girls, at least, physically. I never got up the courage to ask any of them out, so I don't know anything other than that.

About a year ago, I fell in love for the first time. It was with a woman, or so I thought. I found out that she is gender fluid, but prefers the female pronouns because they match her biological sex. It's been a year, now, since I fell in love with her, and I've not only grown accustomed to her being male, female, both, neither, or any amount in between, but I find that I still love her, regardless what gender she is. I even helped her pick out her binder and packer size, for particularly male days, and I find that she looks very good with those, which was my first clue, in retrospect.

Over the last week or so, I've been noticing something that, frankly, has been developing over this past year, a fondness for the male figure. Of course, my love has not varied, on any day, but now my arousal and lust are also starting to convert to this fluidic gender. It sounds bad when I put it like that, but it's the only way I know how to describe it.

Most recently, I was reading a story that she had written. She loves to write, and I enjoy reading what she writes, and offering feedback. This story, however, was erotica, and featured two men. When I say erotica, I don't mean a romance story with some sex in it. This was porn with the barest amount of plot required to get to the next sex scene. She said I didn't have to read it, but I wanted to. I was curious, more so than I realized, at the time. As I read the story, I was aroused by these characters in these situations. At first, I had the woman I love placed into the roles, to help me through the chapters, but that slowly faded out, as my brain realized that I don't need to do that, that I was enjoying the story, as is, without a female body in the mix. I was genuinely being aroused by men having sex, in the dirtiest ways imaginable while giving consent. I also found myself thinking about new things that the men could do, in the story, and helping her write it.

When I voiced these findings with her, she said that I should experiment with this new side, see how far it goes. Maybe I just loved her style of writing? I've never been bothered by male nudity, or even male on male sex. It never did anything for me or turned me away, it just was what it was. Now, I decided to search for gay male porn, to see if it was just me not caring about it, or if there was something more. I'll spare you the details, but, needless to say, they had an effect. I found myself drawn more to the effeminate males, but males, nonetheless. It wasn't a significant problem, but a preference, still.

At this point, I'm not sure if I'm bisexual, pansexual, or what. I feel like I still prefer the female body, but I also find myself wanting to try various things, like penetration. I can get aroused by the male member as well as the female form, but the women still draw me, more, and the men I prefer to better fit the typical female form, as much as possible.

On the one hand, I'm glad for this development, as I'm happy to know more about myself, and it will certainly benefit my relationship. On the other hand, this entire topic is completely new to me, and very confusing. My brain requires order and logic. Without a proper label, it can't solve the puzzle, can't define my sexuality. It's just the way my brain works. So, I'm looking for more information, particularly from people in a similar situation, if not a similar sexuality. Not having anyone in my life that can help me on this journey, I looked for a place that had people that could.

That brought me here.

So, now that you're up to speed, any opinions? Any advice? Where do I go from here? What best describes my sexuality? I'm still figuring out just how far this goes, for now. I understand that it can shift, over time, however, I feel like this has been with me, the whole time, nagging at me, and I just never put it together, until the perfect situation came up to slap my face with it. Obviously I still love the same person, and she is helping me through this, including finding this forum, for me. What I really need, I think, is to talk to people, clear my head, understand what it is that I enjoy, and get others to bounce off of while I do it.

Care to be my support group? ^_^;

 

Thanks for the opinion, and options, Leo.

The unfortunate side of this, however, is a significant lack of potential partners. I have significant social anxiety, in person, making it very difficult for me to meet anyone. It's something of a minor miracle that I was able to tell this woman that I love her, and that was done over the internet (she lives far away). The only people that I can discuss with, at all, about this stuff, are already friends, and I then have anxiety about making that friendship awkward. It's for this reason that I am going on 30 and am still a virgin. My only way to identify myself is through what things online arouse me, or what things I'd be willing to try, when the opportunity arises. For example, I have offered to buy my love a strap on, so she can experience sex from a male perspective, again, when the opportunity arises.

So, with direct sex being out of the question, for the time being, are there any other options that you, or anyone else, can suggest?

I don't think Heteroflexible quite covers it. It's not a matter of being able to have sex with men, I genuinely enjoy gay pornography, and believe that I might enjoy anal penetration. I cannot test this, as I am fairly large, thus cannot reach, and have no toys for said experimenting. Again, that will have to go to a back burner, awaiting a time when I can bring it back to the front. I'm looking at options, but have a lack of funds.

Does this forum have a link to this "Kinsey Scale"? I wouldn't mind taking a look at that.

 

I found the Kinsey Scale. I would say that a 2 pretty much describes me, yes. Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual.

Still looking for more opinions and options, if anyone else wants to chime in. If 1 is Heteroflexible and 3 is Bisexual, is there a proper name for 2? Or am I Bisexual, but not really? =\

 

I'm not exactly worried about it, just wanting the clear answer. It's looking more and more likely that there isn't one, but I still want to get as close as I can. The way my mind works, it's happy when there are no loose ends, no missing pieces. The better I can define something, the happier my brain is. I'm not worried about my sexuality, at all, just wanting to find out what it is, and to what extent.

If you have any questions that I could answer to help me find my answers, or help me figure out what steps to take to learn more about myself, please feel free to ask. And thanks for the help. ^_^