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Being sexually confused, accepting being bisexual and other questions related.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Glgab, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. Glgab

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Ok, I really don't know how to start this, sorry in advance for my English, but I'm writing this just to vent it somewhere.
    All my life I felt different from the rest, not only for because of questionable sexuality lately but also because of shyness, probably being introvert and coping with constant sadness (Other topic).

    Currently I'm 21 but around since I was 19 I really started to question my sexuality. It just hit me one day, in that time I was in a long term relationship with my ex-boyfriend for 3,4 years. I remember waking up one morning and without any thinking of that kind before I just said to myself that there might be possibility of me not being straight.

    So my question is how could I not see that for such a long time and if it is possible to me to suddenly ''turn gay''? At that time I also left my boyfriend after being few months obsessed with thought of being attracted to both males and females, especially one girl and couldn't cope with situation and resume lying to him and be intimate anymore, and of course I didn't tell him the right reason, I just needed some time to sort things out with myself.

    But after all this time and constant thinking (1 year since breakup) I still don't know what to call myself (probably bisexual) I don't know how I couldn't see such a big part of myself for so long? For example every time there were discussions about lesbians, gay rights or something related I wouldn't feel called out. Seeing a lesbian couple would put me at unease and would get a little bit homophobic.

    Also through this time I realized there were some signs of me being gay.
    Growing up since kindergarten and primary school I remember being intrigued with few young and beautiful teachers, singers, actresses but I would justify that with the fact that all other girls would talk of how beautiful they were or watch them as role models. I also remember that until I was around 8 I dressed as a boy and wanted to impress girls I probably liked, but had also liked some boys. After picking up that norms don't allow that kind of behavior and looks and having feelings of guilt involved I became girly. Later through middle school and high school I became fixated on guys (I felt sexual attraction towards them) but there were always some girls that caught my attention but I didn't want any more problems that I already had at that at that time (not going to school regularly and falling behind with studies, depression, agoraphobia, not being able to keep friendships), so I just told myself to really avoid that thoughts.

    Is it possible to internalize all my feelings so deep down for such a long time, that I didn't allow myself to think in those terms? I'm also not sure how I couldn't feel sexual attraction towards women all this time (only slightly, until year ago, then I allowed myself to think about them in that way?) because I don't think other gay, bi people had to allow themselves to think about the same sex in that way, it just comes to them naturally? (Sorry if this is too much info but I don't know how to describe it differently) Firstly, attraction was only slight but with time it grew stronger, but the one towards men stays always strong, on the same level, but I don't think I like men romantically anymore or at least till I finally understand all this mess.

    All this caused me so much anxiety, I know people really struggle when admitting to themselves they might be, and accepting they' re gay. On some days I wake up and suddenly feel scared, angry and sad and on the other days I just feel happy to finally admit it and accept it as a normal thing. I've also read about HOCD (Not sure if this might be my case, because a 1,5 years ago when I though about even kissing a girl I would feel uncomfortable and slightly disgusted, even more when thinking about having a girlfriend or showing affection and care to the same sex). But now I suddenly want a girlfriend. I'm not sure if that is the result of me going crazy and persuading myself I'm gay (for some strange reason), or, actually doing research on homosexuals, causes of it, reasons for and against, watching lesbian couples on Youtube... (I'm from a small country and a town, where few people are out, mainly manly lesbians).

    I know this is getting toooo long but I'm in a constant cycle of thoughts of me being gay or bi, I don't think I need any more time to think it through because the more I think, on some days I just tell myself Oh shut up, you're straight :confused:
    I just want to come out to my mum and small part of friends as bisexual and am planning on moving into bigger city or country but in the end I'm mostly scared that if I get with a girl I'll change my mind, because I know I have stronger sexual attraction towards men and can feel romantic connection, that is want concerns me the most, but the girls are NOW (especially if I get really drink and shut barriers) the ones that I notice first, feel somehow powerfully driven to, and make me feel more alive. But then again...

    I just wanted to know if others felt at least a bit of something that I RAMBLED about, and if not I'm feeling a little bit relieved after writing a part of it down. Also, if this is the definition of being bisexual why it has to be so confusing and so hard, and how people manage to cope with it, I'm not even sure if I can be in a relationship with a man again if I keep noticing so much details about girls, especially the one I secretly like. I'm scared of thought and potentiality that if I really fall hard for someone I will always feel like something is missing, and really wish to be a complete lesbian or a straight girl.

    TL;DR: Why I didn't question sexuality before, have others felt connected and affected by other gay and bi people before they knew they were gay themselves or felt sexual attraction towards same sex only later in life, accepting being gay, repress yeah!, HOCD? How to be and live as bisexual?
     
  2. Kai Liam

    Kai Liam Guest

    Lets be honest right now...hormones are stupid. I am a bisexual and I identified really early. For some people it comes at 10 other it comes at 25 you never really know it just happens. It is possible to like men more then women but still be attracted to women it still counts as being bisexual (literally meaning liking 2 sexes). You might find that you're liking towards girls increases up to the same spot as men over time, or you might find after a one timer with a girl...it just didn't feel right. It honestly takes some time, and acceptance. Don't force the thought of men away in fear of you loving women and vice versa. Bisexual isn't something you have to tell the world about, my friends didn't know I was bi until I had a girlfriend. Find a willing participent for your girl problem. Literally if you find a bi girl she will probably totally understand and not take too much offence (or any) to you asking to "try dating". Experimenting is all part of becomeing who you are...how do you know you like guys if you've never dated one and vice versa.

    Okay that was a lot and really kinda mushed...I don't know if that helps but..yea hope it does a little bit atleast.
     
  3. Glgab

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thank you, it helps, that was said really good. Yeah, I would like to, but I think I'll have to wait until moving before trying any experimenting because this is really small town and if I change my mind everything could go wrong.
     
    #3 Glgab, Nov 17, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2015