Confused over Sexual Orientation

Alright, so I have been questioning my sexual orientation for a while. On and off because a lot of different factors make me confused. So I'll try to organize my thoughts and situation to the best that I can, so this is going to be a bit long.

First, throughout middle school I did not really crush on girls nor guys but started masturbating at this time. I masturbate two different ways, the generic way and this other way that has to do with my penis but will take too long to explain. The second way allows me to get off and even cum without having to fantasize nor think of anything at all. Well anyways, around this time I started watching some porn, so around seventh grade but I was masturbating the strange way since I was in fifth grade. My first real experience was in eighth grade with my friend, we both started jacking off and he jacked me off a couple pumps and I was willing to give him head but he didn't want to so we stopped. After that I watched straight porn and occasional videos of people my age body building, I guess I like muscular guys lol.

Moving into high school I had my first experience with a girl, she was a nice friend who I somewhat crushed on and she wanted to try giving head. Because my strange masturbation method makes it harder for me to get off traditionally the head she gave was meh. I was hard but she wasnt good and used too much teeth :lol: so I didn't cum. Moving forward I was always too shy to talk to girls but had some crushes. I never paid attention to guys nor did I ever crush on them. At the early points of high school I began to dabble into different types of porn (I developed a smokers fetish.. and gay porn). The gay porn is generally just of a guy around my age jacking off and I truly only like a huge cock lol. Like I don't want to see the face or the person. Moving forward I was still shy and all and as I noticed that the only fantasies that I would have were when I would see a cock in an online chatroom or online, basically the thoughts of I want to suck that or even get it up the ass, although I later tried anal play and did not feel aroused by it at all (do not do anal play nor desire it now, but still when seeing a big cock I get those thoughts.) But in real life I was looking at girls mostly, not fantasizing about them but just checking them out. Furthermore, without watching the dick on porn or the video chatroom I don't really fantasize about anything or anyone in particular. Then I eventually tried my fantasies of giving head and I met a guy from online and he was a lot older. Im 18 and hes in his 30s. I thought giving head was meh and I couldn't get hard receiving it. I think it was because I was nervous but idk, I wasn't nervous when I started giving head and it was meh. I have actually never fantasized about a particular person in my life. Moving through high school I never had success in talking to my crushes which were girls.

Now I am a freshman in college. I have become more brave with girls and have gained experiences. Early on I had no stresses or concerns and when I made out with one girl I became aroused and we almost had sex, I'm a virgin, but her roommate walked in lolol. Moving forward, I met this girl that I like and we're basically dating now. Ive slept with her but no sex, because she doesn't want to yet, and have enjoyed it, I think.. I enjoy kissing her, being physically intimate, and fingering her, all makes me hard. Most of the time I was drinking but there have been plenty of times where I have been sober and enjoyed it and became aroused nonetheless. But recently I'm having immense doubts because I'm terrified of leading her on and not enjoying it. Like I have never fantasized to the woman's body nor does a vagina, visually, turn me on. But I do get aroused every time I'm with her. But again I've read stuff about guys being the same way and then figuring out much later that they truly want to be with men. And I've accepted not being straight but idk if I'm gay, bi or what. Idk if its just me in denial or bargaining not to be gay or that my few sexual fantasies show just that, that I don't really fantasize much so its not accurate. Like I'm more than willing to try being with men at this point. I just find it strange that I don't check out men in real life nor have I ever crushed on one. With woman the arousal is all in the moment. Like I get aroused sitting next to this girl I like, or just holding hands with her. Idk how to proceed. I feel like I should just go after men, but I'm not sure thats what I really want especially since I really like this girl and I can't just be like let me go try this and if I don't like it let me come back. What do I do?? What am I???

 

Thanks Kai, I think I am this. My biggest issue is that I have never had a person in my fantasies. Like its always related to the porn I'm watching but I've never had a real life person appear. And I'm afraid of trying straight sex because I fear I won't like it or I will fakely like it and I can never fantasize about a specific person of my same sex. Like I get horny to the thought of it but idk if I'd be able to perform once I actually got there.

 

I've read more and its lead to more confusion. I talked to a friend of mine and she said just live in the moment which I'm trying to do. It just stressed me out that I get aroused by woman in bed but my few sexual fantasies are of men and I don't really get hard to women unless I'm somewhat trying but at the same time I've never crushed on a man although I'm open to it. Also my fantasies have never been of a descript person and the fantasies arise when I'm watching gay porn and its only about the dick, nothing else. Like body type is eh, face is not something I look at and I don't even imagine kissing them if I tried, its just meh no feeling. But a huge dick turns me on otherwise nothing else really does. Am I just sexually weird and should ignore my fantasies and go person by person and whoever I like at that moment be with them and if I can come and enjoy the sexual and physical intimacy just continue doing it?